Hi my name is Sam

I have been amazed at the support and clarification which Manystripes provided and has given me some food for thought.

I have done a lot(and I mean a lot of research) for the last 4 days and am going to the doctors if not for me, for my husband and children, as there is a possibility that they might need support too. I plan on going in well armed and I am currently in the process of preparing my timeline and examples of incidents ready for the appointment next week ( thats if i don't procrastinate which means it could be next year lol).

Thank you so much for your kind words of knowledge and encouragement both of you. I will let you know how it goes.

I think ManyStripes has done a brilliant job in analyzing your situation.

I would also support his suggestion that it isn't absolutely necessary to get a diagnosis. There is a huge amount of literature and there is this forum here where you can discuss things and ask for help. The health service may also not respond very promptly to your request for a diagnosis and, assuming you got a diagnosis, they won't be able to wave a magic wand and make it go away. Try not to get drawn into a battle with them but still try to get what help you need. Personally I haven't had any post diagnosis treatment but have got an awful lot from this forum and from reading books and then going out and trying things out with family friends and colleagues.

Just another tip for when you go to see the doctor. When I went I had written out a list of incidents and things that made me suspect that I had the condition. This can help to organise your thoughts and to get past the communication problems that are part and parcel of the condition.

I don't think you actually need to have your mum present for a formal assessment, but it could be helpful, depending on the diagnostic or assessment method used.  But if you're just going to see a GP next week, I would imagine it would be quite normal for your mum not to go along with you for that.

When I was assessed, it wasn't actually necessary for any such relatives to be interviewed, but it was what they normally do, and it was helpful.  Before the assessment, they did say, in writing, that some such person would be needed, and that they couldn't see me on my own.  But when I spoke to the clinical psychologist about it on the phone, she told me it wasn't strictly true, and that they could see people on their own, without anyone else involved after all.  But she explained why they normally interviewed a parent or similar person as part of the assessment process.

I think the main reason is that parents and similar people can tell the consultants about how we were when we were children, especially when we were very young.  That might seem a bit useless now that we're adults, but since autistic traits become apparent from a very early age, and since that's when ASDs are normally diagnosed, I think that's why they like to know about our childhood developments when assessing us as adults.

I don't think our parents or whoever even need to think we've got ASDs, since the questions aren't about whether or not they think we've got ASDs.  I think they're more factual, such as when did we start talking, did we make friends with other children easily, and so on.

And, as I said before, it also means the consultant has an external perspective to consider, and not just the internal perspective of the person being assessed.

And it doesn't strictly need to be a parent.  It can be someone else who knew you well enough when you were growing up to be able to provide relevant information.

I think such interviews can also be conducted by telephone, which could solve the 300 mile problem.  That was an option when I was assessed.  And I wouldn't be surprised if written information would be acceptable.  Perhaps there are diagnostic/assessment methods that involve written questionnaires for people to fill in?  Anyway, I suppose it depends on how these things are done where you are, and what assessment/diagnostic methods are used.

Anyway, I hope things go well next week when you see the doctor

Hi Thanks for the reply and the insight into ur interpretation of my life in a snippet. Not sure how it will work but I am going to see a doctor next week with the support of my husband. The problem I have is my mum lives nearly 300 miles away from where I live and won't travel all that way. maybe I am finding too many negatives. I can see how my life fits within the spectrum why won't someone else? do I need my mum to get a diagnosis? so many questions.

Hello Sam, and welcome to the forum!

I'm recently diagnosed with Asperger's, and am now 42, and male, so I'm not a woman with Asperger's.  But I think I somewhat match some of what you described about yourself.  That might be why I'm replying with such a long post!

sammyb1974 said:

However I am second guessing whether I have the condition or not as I can communicate quite effectively and I have always enjoyed meeting new people.

As I understand it, it's not unusual for people with Asperger's to be good at communicating in some ways.  I gather that being a clear speaker with good use of language, and being good at reading and writing, can give the impression that we don't have any communication problems at all, when actually the problems we often have aren't with 'communication' defined in the sort of narrow ways people might have in mind.

I think it's often more to do with the unspoken aspects of communication, such as body language, knowing and understanding social conventions involving communication, and so on.  For example, someone with Asperger's might speak very eloquently when they interject when someone else is speaking, but might not realise that their interjection is considered very inappropriate in those particular circumstances.

Also, it's not unusual for us to like the company of other people, and it's not inconsistent with having Asperger's to like meeting new people.  It's often not that we dislike spending time with other people or meeting new people, it's that we dislike things that often accompany such things.  We can dislike unfamiliar and unexpected social situations, and can dislike the problems we can have socially, which can make it seem as if we dislike spending time with other people and meeting new people.

Indeed, you go on to say:-

I can, though also feel uncomfortable in social situations and can get quite paranoid. I often say the wrong things although I have adapted my behaviour so this doen't happen so often in public ( it happens more at home).

That sounds Aspergery to me!  You don't dislike meeting new people, but you have problems with social situations and saying the wrong thing.

Another autistic tendency with Asperger's is to interpret things too literally, directly and narrowly.  This itself can interfere with our understanding of Asperger's itself, and I think that might be part of why you're unsure that you've got Asperger's.  Is it possible you're taking the stuff about communication and social difficulties too literally, directly and/or narrowly?

Also, more generally, since Austism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) such as Asperger's involve difficulties understanding other people, understanding social conventions, and so on, we're already at a disadvantage when we try to compare ourselves with those who don't have ASDs.  We don't know and understand enough about who we're trying to compare ourselves with to be able to make a proper comparison, leaving us unsure about how autistic we might actually be!

This kind of difficulty, where we lack sufficient insight into our own ASDs to be able to adequately self-assess and fully express the difficulties we have, seems to be a recognised difficulty itself.  I've been advised to get help from those who know me well when it comes to filling out forms about my Asperger's for this very reason.

When I was assessed by a clinical psychologist to see if I had Asperger's, I was initially seen on my own.  This was for an assessment method called DISCO.  At the end of the main interview, the clinical psychologist wasn't sure if I had Asperger's or if a diagnosis of Social Communication Disorder might be better.  But after interviewing one of my parents, who was able to give a different perspective, it was clear to the clinical psychologist that Asperger's was the right diagnosis.

I am also very disorganised and get very stressed when I can't find things, often blaming others for this when I know it is my fault. I am sensitive to people and often withdraw myself from situations which I can't handle.

Again, that sounds consistent with Asperger's, and is another example of the distinction between liking meeting new people and not liking difficulties you have socially.

I have real trouble with my family as my only brother has throughout his life had problems and although doesn't have a confirmed diagnosis my mum believes that he has aspergers and adhd. I don't want them thinking that I am saying this because I want the attention but I also want them to accept me for me and understand where I am coming from. I am sorry if this doesn't make sense but my head is all over that place at the moment and I don't know what to do?

What you've written makes a lot of sense!  Your anxiety and uncertainty about how your family might respond sounds consistent with Asperger's as well.  And it's not unusual for members of the same family as someone with an ASD to also have autistic traits as well, so it wouldn't be unusual for both you and your brother to have ASDs.  Other members of my family have some autistic traits, while I'm the only one with a formal diagnosis.

I can't make a diagnosis myself, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if you've got Asperger's, and I wouldn't be surprised if your family would be more accepting of your Asperger's than you anticipate.

Perhaps you could mention to your mum that austic traits are relatively common among relatives of those with ASDs such as Asperger's, and you could ask her if she's noticed you or anyone else in your family displaying any autistic traits?  If you've got Asperger's, I wouldn't be surprised if you actually find the prospect of asking that question uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing - I think I would!

In my case, my mum raised the possibility with me, without me having to raise it myself.  I already thought it was possible or likely that I had undiagnosed Asperger's, but she seemed more sure of it when she'd read more about it herself.

You could go ahead and seek a formal diagnosis anyway.  It can take a long time to actually get the diagnosis, and you might have problems actually getting referred to an appropriate consultant, but it can be worth it.  Now that I've got a formal diagnosis, I don't have to worry so much about trying to explain why my life has gone the way it's gone, the difficulties I have, and so on, since I can now state that I've got an ASD known as Asperger's, as formally diagnosed by a clinical psychologist.  It also confirms what I already suspected, and means I'm in a better position to learn more about it and to seek and take opportunities to deal with it more.

But, of course, you can learn more about Asperger's and ASDs more generally without getting a formal diagnosis.  You might find that that's sufficient for you.  But since you're already second-guessing, and second-guessing in what sounds like an Aspergery way, I do think it would be worth considering the benefits of getting other people's perspectives and a formal diagnosis.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, I hope you find this forum and the rest of the National Autistic Society website helpful.  If you browse around the forum, you'll probably find you're not alone in your kinds of experiences!