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Woman undiagnosed

Orange

Hi, I decided to come on here because I have nobody who relates to my experiences. I find I am “too much” for the people around me. 

I am undiagnosed waiting for assessment but I’m pretty sure I have both adhd and autism. I also have had some traumatic experiences in my opinion due to being undiagnosed. 

A few years ago I was in a terrible relationship with an older man, I was very young at this time. It was abusive emotionally, physically and sexually. He then went on to do the same to two more women and was in the end put into prison after we all spoke to the police. I feel my autism made me vulnerable and slower to understand relationships and how they work. This is a problem I still struggle with years later, I don’t understand people, I don’t understand when someone has crossed a line. I try to guess but I end up cutting people off and then feeling guilty that I lose people who do care. I’ve had and lost so many friends and still in the end I feel alone.

I have a partner right now who I feel is a good guy but I don’t think he can cope with me, I am too much for him. I want to start our life together I want children, I want a happy life.. I just don’t know how I will ever be able to cope with that. I just wish I didn’t have these problems, or I wish I was supported as a child to understand myself and the world around me. 

Does it get easier as you get older? Am I going to feel this way forever? 

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I'm am also not officially diagnosed, I'm self discovered. You are not alone in your experiences.

    Orange said:
    I don’t think he can cope with me, I am too much for him.

    What makes you think this? I suggest you try talking to him about your fears - if you're not "too much" he can reassure you, and if there are some things he finds it difficult to cope with you can discuss together how to manage that.

    Here is a link to some articles in the advice and guidance section of this website - it includes one for partners of autistic people, which may be of interest to your partner.

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships

    I hope that's helpful and that you find support and a sense of belonging here.

  • Hi! Welcome to the community! I hope you find this place good for you. I relate a lot to what you described and I understand. I was terribly abused in my both childhood and youth and it left scars for me for ever. Exactly this- not understanding,  when someone crossed the line, not seeing someone's bad intentions,  not catching on cues and in result being naive makes us very vulnerable. I'm also not diagnosed,  suspected autistic. 

  • Hello Orange and welcome to the community.

    Orange said:
    I feel my autism made me vulnerable and slower to understand relationships and how they work.

    I think you are correct. Many autists end up exploited for this reason so it is uncomfortably common. It is good you were able to put a stop to it.

    Orange said:
    I have a partner right now who I feel is a good guy but I don’t think he can cope with me,

    I can only speculate as to your situation here so this is only an educated guess. I think what has happened is you have post traumatic stress disorder from your previous traumas (this is incredibly common amongst autists) and you have developed your own coping mechanisms subconciously which are causing some of your present issues.

    We often become very averse to things associated with past trauma so when things like emotional vulnerability, commitment and physical intimacy are involved than these can cause us to act in ways that cause issues. Fear, shame, anger etc - these all come as part of the package.

    If it is this which you are experiencing then I would strongly recommend using a professional to help as this is beyond our abilities to self heal. A licensed psychotherapist with experience helping other female autists will be your best ally to deal with the trauma and develop healthier coping mechanisms. They can help with loads of other autism related issues too.

    They are not cheap at £50+ per hour and you will need probably upwards of a dozen sessions, but when spaced weeks apart they can be much more managable.

    Orange said:
    Does it get easier as you get older?

    It is the opposite I would say. For a while your coping mechanisms protect you but the combined stress and damage start to add up and by your 40s typically they can start to become overwhelming and make life so much harder. If you read other peoples life experiences here you will see this is a common theme and is why only around 20-30% of autists actually work.

    There is hope. Therapy is not very easy, especially in the early days as you work on your past traumas but once you have "unpacked" these then the healing begins and things do start to get a lot better fast for most people. Not everyone can open up enough to do this however, I think it is good to understand that it is not a surefire solution.

    Of course this is all just in the opinion of some random person off the internet - please do your own research before considering acting on any of this.