A LOT of different feelings...

Hello Avadhut 

Welcome to the NAS Community. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you feel well supported here and are able to connect with like-minded people. It sounds as though you have already reached out for support, but if you do need further help with your mental health you may like to have a look at our following pages on the NAS:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help

All the best,

ChloeMod

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm not formally diagnosed, but self discovered around 9 years ago when I was a similar age to you. The discovery was a big shock, but when I discovered this community I found others who were similar to me and helped me understand stuff.

Learning about what autism actually is was quite helpful, as I then understood why I had always felt different. I had always thought that other people thought like me, so I started to wonder what exactly are the differences between autistic and non autistic people, and how they come about. I found a book that was quite good at explaining this - it's called "A field guide to earthlings - an autistic/asperger view of neurotypical behaviour" by Ian Ford.

It takes time to learn about oneself and to start to sort out what is the "real you" after trying to fit in for so many years. I wish you well on your journey.

Hi Avadhut 

Welcome!!

You are not alone now, you have a community.

I think we maybe a similar age and for me that's the part that I'm struggling with the most. Although maybe it might be helping me push myself into finding a new way of living, so I have to take that as a positive. I do feel like I'm on a rollercoaster at times though (I don't like fairground rides) 

Regarding your childhood and the sadness, for me I'm realising there was a reason why I was like I was as a child and it wasn't my fault. I'm working on healing that small part now and it's helping me have more compassion towards myself.

This place is the best thing I've found so far about being autistic. I find lots of answers here to questions I didn't realise I had. 

Hope you settle in soon  

Thanks for posting this. I was diagnosed last month at 46, although things are much clearer there are lot of emotions to navigate I was not prepared for. Recieving the news was fine.

You're welcome. I do gush a bit, don't I?

I'm beginning to enjoy knowing I'm autistic. It helps to smooth out all the ups and downs.

You're a star Bunny! Thank you! I've already started reading and enjoying the 'How to be Autistic' book you recommended and I'm genuinely touched by your solidarity and kindness :)

Thank you Sho! I totally relate to what you're saying here - especially the gaslighting and manipulation at work - and yes, proud and empowered is where I'm headed....even though the path is a bit of a bumpy one right now

Thank you so much for this Damojo. Your empathy, understanding, validation and encouragement really mean a lot. I think I'm beginning to enjoy being autistic :) 

Hi and welcome, Avadhut. It's good to have you on board.

53 here. I really only figured it out a year ago. The first six months were quite the roller coaster. I'm still hyperfocused on all things Autistic, but I think I'm feeling a lot more settled now. I still have up days and down days, but I'm mostly doing OK. You'll find it gets easier, too.

The initial reevaluation of your early life is quite something, isn't it? All of that grief, rage, despair and a hodgepodge of other emotions should gradually recede and let you see the core truth: what happened in your childhood was not your fault. Maybe there isn't much you can do now to change anything, but you have permission not to blame yourself any more.

What next? For me, I'm just trying to figure out who I am now, underneath the mask. Now, if I do something obviously autistic, I have a little giggle at myself and don't feel shame like I used to. I often explain to my wife what is going on in my head as it's happening, even about simple things like eye contact, or losing track of our conversation, rather than trying to style it out. I stim away to myself when I'm on my own and I'm starting to feel more a ease doing little stims where I might be caught in the act. Baby steps. I expect I'll be working things out for quite a few more years. I'm trying to cultivate patience.

If it brings any comfort, I’m navigating similar emotions myself. I was recently diagnosed at 50, and it was eye-opening. For most of my life, I assumed everyone faced the same internal challenges—until my children were diagnosed with autism. From that moment, it was like a light switch turning on, helping me see things more clearly.

There’s a meaningful period of reflection and adjustment as we begin to reframe our past and understand how we’ve coped. While it’s not always easy, I feel proud and empowered by my diagnosis. It’s given me language and clarity for experiences that once felt confusing or isolating. Looking back, I now recognise how often I was misunderstood or mistreated—especially in the workplace, where I was vulnerable to gaslighting and manipulation. Without the context of a diagnosis, I often felt helpless. My last job left me in such despair that I chose to walk away.

Hi and welcome to the community! 

If it's any comfort or reassurance, you're far from alone in going through those feelings. 

Whether it comes after we've realised that we are likely autistic and/or after our diagnosis, it can be common for us - especially as late-realised / late-diagnosed adults - to experience a lot of emotional dysregulation.

Besides perhaps feeling some relief about now having an explanation for our past difficulties, this can often also include working through a phase where we experience confusion, uncertainty, and/or (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving and more. So please don't worry - it's normal! 

As for many others here, my diagnosis turned out to be much more of the start of a new journey, rather than a conclusion full of instant solutions for my ASD-related difficulties.

You might find the advice here helpful - it includes insights from other autistics on the subject :

NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis

As you progress through the process, you might also find the other advice in the NAS's diagnosis hub helpful:

NAS - Diagnosis

This article, in particular, might be helpful at this stage:

NAS - What can I do while waiting for an autism assessment?

Finally, I'll just mention a couple of books that some of us have found useful in the early stages of our journeys:

Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask!

How to Be Autistic (free download currently available via this page)