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A LOT of different feelings...

Avadhut

Just over a month ago I was referred for an autism assessment by a psychiatrist who advised me to do some research on autism and look back at my life through the lens of my findings. Following this advice, I soon began to experience something like a slow explosion of relief. My life began to make more sense to me than it ever had before. Then came a deep sadness for a really messed up childhood. Then fits of absolute rage. Then the relief again, tinged with a new excitement about getting another go at life armed with a better understanding of my needs. Then despair. I'm fifty-five years old, [recently] unemployed and pretty much alone. Does anyone have any insight or wisdom from lived experience to impart on this cavalcade of feelings that have been galloping over/through me? I'm exhausted.

Parents

  • Hi and welcome, . It's good to have you on board.

    53 here. I really only figured it out a year ago. The first six months were quite the roller coaster. I'm still hyperfocused on all things Autistic, but I think I'm feeling a lot more settled now. I still have up days and down days, but I'm mostly doing OK. You'll find it gets easier, too.

    The initial reevaluation of your early life is quite something, isn't it? All of that grief, rage, despair and a hodgepodge of other emotions should gradually recede and let you see the core truth: what happened in your childhood was not your fault. Maybe there isn't much you can do now to change anything, but you have permission not to blame yourself any more.

    What next? For me, I'm just trying to figure out who I am now, underneath the mask. Now, if I do something obviously autistic, I have a little giggle at myself and don't feel shame like I used to. I often explain to my wife what is going on in my head as it's happening, even about simple things like eye contact, or losing track of our conversation, rather than trying to style it out. I stim away to myself when I'm on my own and I'm starting to feel more a ease doing little stims where I might be caught in the act. Baby steps. I expect I'll be working things out for quite a few more years. I'm trying to cultivate patience.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome, . It's good to have you on board.

    53 here. I really only figured it out a year ago. The first six months were quite the roller coaster. I'm still hyperfocused on all things Autistic, but I think I'm feeling a lot more settled now. I still have up days and down days, but I'm mostly doing OK. You'll find it gets easier, too.

    The initial reevaluation of your early life is quite something, isn't it? All of that grief, rage, despair and a hodgepodge of other emotions should gradually recede and let you see the core truth: what happened in your childhood was not your fault. Maybe there isn't much you can do now to change anything, but you have permission not to blame yourself any more.

    What next? For me, I'm just trying to figure out who I am now, underneath the mask. Now, if I do something obviously autistic, I have a little giggle at myself and don't feel shame like I used to. I often explain to my wife what is going on in my head as it's happening, even about simple things like eye contact, or losing track of our conversation, rather than trying to style it out. I stim away to myself when I'm on my own and I'm starting to feel more a ease doing little stims where I might be caught in the act. Baby steps. I expect I'll be working things out for quite a few more years. I'm trying to cultivate patience.

Children