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Seeking Advice on Supporting an Undiagnosed Adult with Autism/ADHD

BL7

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this group and would really appreciate your advice.

We are currently facing challenges with our 27-year-old son, who may have undiagnosed autism or ADHD. Until recently, he had been trying very hard to manage things on his own, but since 2023 we’ve noticed some significant changes in his behavior, and he’s been struggling more than before.

He now finds it very difficult to work or engage with the community, and we’re concerned about how best to support him going forward. We suspect that his recent reactions and difficulties may be related to long-standing, undetected neurodivergence. He did not sleep well! 

If anyone has experience with similar situations, we’d be grateful for any guidance, resources, or next steps you could recommend, especially in terms of assessment, support services, or strategies that could help him feel more stable and included.

He refuses to accept this (autism or adhd) and bitterly deny to see the GP. 

Thank you so much for your time and support.

BL

  • in reply to Wordsmith

    I was horrified after the first test, so did loads more to prove I wasn't. Then started researching more to prove they were wrong. In the end the evidence was just too overwhelming even I couldn't really deny it. The more I looked the more it all pointed one way.

    I did try arguing with the psychologists till I thought about it a bit; did I really know more after a bit of internet searching than people who had been doing it for 20+ years? I didn't want to be that person.

    So I decided to accept it and work with it.

    I just wish I'd known 30 years ago.

    You can still do all the things you could before, but you can have a strategy to make things better and easier. You are not as confused, you understand why you do the things you do. You can make allowances and check you are not misunderstanding things, give yourself space, not take everything so damn seriously, etc.

    I can't actually think of a downside, unless you want to use it as an excuse, rather than as knowledge to empower you.

    You do still need to push, life is never easy for anyone. Things still need to get done. There's no magic wand.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    I agree! You are very strong. Keep pushing forward, you can do it! Wishing you all the best. 

  • in reply to Trev

    Thank you. He refuses to see the GP, and he was very good at making it seem like we are bad parents when he did speak to them. 

  • in reply to Wordsmith

    Well done! I’m so proud of you. Keep going - you’re strong, and everything will be okay in the end.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Oh, bless you! I think you're coping well with this. My son doesn't want to talk about it and insists that he's fine. He refuses to take the online test because he doesn't want to accept it.

  • in reply to Nuka

    Thank you for your message. This is exactly what we are going through. He has damaged my car and several others, but we don't know how to support him. His mood can change at any time, and sometimes he refuses to talk to us. 

  • If it makes you feel any better we are in the same position with our own 28 year old son he just goes from one disaster to another and refuses to engage or accept any type of support, we only recognised that he may have some neurodivergence during covid when he was isolated away from home and then as a result lost his job, he has been at home since then and myself and my husband are really struggling to know what to do for the best we are supporting him as best we can but really need some support.  

  • in reply to Trev
    Trev said:

    The NICE guidelines suggest this test:

    https://www.autismresearchcentre.com/tests/autism-spectrum-quotient-10-items-aq-10-adult/

    You'll find all these tests with online test-taking and scoring on Embrace Autism.

  • in reply to Wordsmith

    The NICE guidelines suggest this test:

    https://www.autismresearchcentre.com/tests/autism-spectrum-quotient-10-items-aq-10-adult/

    and it is what my GP used as a screening tool to check whether it would be appropriate to put me forward for a full assessment. Perhaps you could suggest it might be worth taking a look at it.

  • in reply to Wordsmith

    The problem I had nearly 40 years ago, and even recently if I'm honest, was I viewed it very negatively. I didn't want to the disabled, nor did I want to be excluded from defence jobs, although I ended up never getting into that and I went into telecoms.

    I think the issue is how to frame it. It is called a disorder which makes it hard to embrace till you have read a lot more than the average person has.

    So you struggle on, pushing too hard trying to prove to yourself you can do it, when really you need to be a bit smarter.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Agreed about the online tests. They certainly worked for me. I began to suspect I might be autistic after watching one of Chris Packham’s documentaries and I did the tests in order to prove to myself that I wasn’t. And here I am!

  • It will be hard if he does not want to engage. It is hard to see anything wrong from the inside. I did the same thing and pushed away everyone who tried to help as I thought I was being manipulated. But then it was a different time and there was less info and more stigma.

    If he masks well the GP may say there is no issue. I don't do very well with GPs.

    I have not slept well for decades, which really does not help.

    I think all you can do is maybe suggest doing the online tests and perhaps point out the struggles, in a non-critical way. You just want to sow the seed of the idea and encourage self-discovery. Not to be critical, but to allow more self compassion and to find strategies that make life a bit easier. There is no need for anyone to know, but it can help him to know himself.

    I pushed myself too hard.