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Newbie and need to offload

Marshmallow

Hi all, 

im new to this as have had no luck elsewhere, I'm 29 and mum to 3 year old girl and 8 (9 in 2 days) boy. My boy has a statement and has been diagnosed with ADHD and aspergers. He's a very intelligent boy and above average. He struggles with his anger and will lash out at anyone or anything in his path. He has been expelled from 3 schools due to his anger. And is currently doing well at his School, well was until recently. He is on medication which he only has for school as it suppresses his appetite so the weekends I tend to feed him up. I'm struggling with him as he is becoming more angry and has said on numerous occaisions he wants to die. Me and his dad split last year and it wasnt amicable, his dad is very bitter and has told my boy things a child doesn't need to hear. So I constantly get this abuse thrown in my face. Not sure what elsee to say or do. I Don't have anyone to talk to as they don't understand and actually make me angry when they try to diagnose what's going on. just need to offload and ask for help x

  • Hi Hope,

    I get really upset too for the reasons you stated.

    I feel that being autistic has given me the privilege of having the insight to see things from perspectives other than my own. If anything I care too much and vindictive has no place in my world. 

    These are just my views too. Smile

  • Hi Marshmallow - sounds like a very difficult situation.  Can I say that I'm not anti-medication but I think it should only be used as a last resort?  By that I mean only if after everything else possible has been done for that person, such as having a suitable emotional, learning + physical environment.  I know that's all tall order, especially when others do not understand autism or behave as your ex is doing.  However hard you try, people such as those will spoil things, make matters worse instead of trying to make matters better. It's sad that he's so unhappy + has changed schools so often in only a few years.  Have you looked at autism-specific schools and/or schools with an autism unit attached to see whether they would be more suitable for him?  Small classes, good staff:pupil ratio, staff who understand autism.  Is it worth re-visiting the medication with your Dr?  If he's getting upset at home + school then maybe it's not really helping, or is he supposed to take it more than he does but you need to make sure he's eating enough?  Many people don't understand about autism but voice their opinions regardless - it can be a real pain, especially if we need some support.  Has your son a social worker who might be able to offer advice about your difficulties?  It goes without saying really that your ex should behave himself + try to be a good role model for his son.  Are you able to get legal advice about this situation which is having a very negative effect on your son?

    Sorry for all the questions.  I don't want to be another person giving advice when you're fed up of that, but at the same time you asked for help so I hope I haven't put my foot in it.  You've got so much to deal with and all any of us on here can do is reply with suggestions to try and help. Smile.

  • Or maybe the ex has a personality disorder, or maybe he is just not very nice. I don't think everything should be blamed on Asperger's, particularly if the ex has no diagnosis. Neurotypicals can also be cold, vindictive and uncaring, so maybe his inability to compromise is due to his own personality.

    I have Asperger's and actually get upset when Asperger's is blamed for uncaring and vindictive behaviour. People with AS are not usually vindictive anyway, or at least no more than Neurotypicals.

    I don't want to start an argument, these are just my views, and I don't want to cause offence by expressing them. But I just felt I had to respond with an alternative view.

  • Hi marshmallow

    Does your ex have aspergers?  Whenever I hear a parent, usually the mother,  speaking of a bitter break up that has little chance of healing because one parent becomes vindictive, I wonder if aspergers is the culprit.

    Over the years I have encountered many mothers who have found dealing with their ex's incredibly difficult because you cannot negotiate, everything is non negotiable and they become extremely angry if their needs are not met.

    With your ex telling your child things he should not, this may stem from him wishing to hurt you and he may genuinely not realise how this is hurting your son.  Aspies can have a hard time seeing things from another perspective and any attempt on your part to tell him what he is doing is wrong will be met with aggression, because he cannot take criticism.  As a mother it is a hard place to be and sadly rarely gets easier, unless he loses interest in you and your son and moves on with a new interest.

    My advice is to always take the high road and try to teach your son that everyone has their own perspective, but that doesn't make it right.  Try to keep your home a calm stress free environment.  He will thank you for it in years to come.