Hello

Hi Jakob.  Years ago as part of an academic course, I read a book called "The 7 theories of human nature".  I mention this as it shows how much individuals diverge in their opinions about what is/isn't human nature.  Nature versus nurture, free will etc, is a very common debating topic, as I'm sure you know.    Some people will say they are who they are + cannot change at all.  Others seek to change what they regard as unhelpful behaviours in themselves and others. We are all complicated so doing our best to understand ourselves is important. Non-verbal communication (body language) can be complicated. What's appropriate, what isn't + in what context, culture?  Therefore having a verbal or written explanation is very helpful, stops time being wasted and doesn't make you feel paranoid.  Take things easy tho 

Thank you for this advice.

I have been putting some of this into practice with quite a bit of communication, even if it does feel as if I am being guided around a room blindfolded.  That is to say, a lot more things need to be explained to achieve a workable result and that sounds strange but it helps a great deal.  For example, I am very conscious of how all this supposition can quickly fall into paranoia (which I avoided before by not even asking the questions) and that this can be alleviated simply by asking questions and receiving patient responses.

It is simply that I find myself in a position constituted on the basis of a false prospectus.  False but not deliberately so.  Would I be where I am now if everyone had known all the facts, but, more to the point, now that we are all here, we are all standing on ground knowing in a certain sense that some people have been "tricked" and others have made a conscious decision based on an inappropriate reasoning - one they realise is inappropiate even for them.

There is a certain tragedy about it, a revelation of the powerlessness of the characters before their own nature.

Hello Jakob.  I've been re-reading your 2 posts.  I've drawn tentative conclusions about your situation which may be correct, partly correct or wrong, so please read what I say in that context.  Apologies in advance for any errors.  I think you're under pressure to change and that pressure appears to be coming from 1 or more people who are dissatisfied with you as you are.  You now doubt your own feelings which has made you feel insecure to a large degree.  Your idea of having a 3rd party involved, such as a counsellor who absolutely understands about autism, could be a starting point to help you untangle your feelings.  However, you are autistic and always will be, something you know about much better than I do.  Everything you try and do will be done as an autistic person, you cannot change that fundamentally.  The person(s) who are asking for this change must appreciate that.  There are some aspects of ourselves which we cannot change.  For example, an NT who is an introvert can adopt a style of being an extrovert but ultimately it can be a clever "act" which can be tiring to keep up.  A person can pretend to like someone or something, but it is still a pretence, which can be emotionally draining.  There's a quote which goes something like "the gift to see ourselves as others see us", meaning that none of us see ourselves exactly as others see us.  Of course "others" see us differently from the image we have of ourselves, if only slightly because they bring their own personalities, beliefs etc into play when they meet us, get to know us etc.  Some may like what they see, others may be disinterested, others may not like us.  We can only be true to ourselves ultimately whilst bearing in mind the feelings of others, but not by losing ourselves in the demands of those others to be what they want us to be when we cannot comply.  You are a unique individual with many qualities.  I am concerned that the demands being put upon you will affect your emotional health adversely.  However much you want to oblige, please don't make yourself unwell.  Those who have our best interests at heart should understand that.  Take care of yourself and don't be bullied.

Hello everyone 

i am keen to know if anyone has experience of aspergers, alcohol and depression. My dear brother is an aspie age 39 he is has recently been diagnosed through counselling for depression and has struggled for years socially. He seems unable to take meds for depression has tried a few. He as I have been through the sudden loss of our mother in a traffic accident 4 years ago, which he has struggled greatly with. He has been having private counselling for this which has helped greatly, although he is able to show all is going very well during the sessions, in reality at home things are not quite so rosy. He seems unable to stop using alcohol as a support when he finds life stressful and is using it to reward himself. I'd love to know where to start to find help to break this cycle. he has tried AA and now will not attend. He sees nothing wrong with this cycle Any ideas ???

Thank you Crystal12.

One of the big things I am learning is that a lot of what I accepted as my choices of behaviour were actually behaviours that I could not stop which ex post I affirmed as my own.  You can see why it keeps you more sane to believe you wanted to do something and to hell with the consequences.

Now, however, when I try and control a meltdown I realise just how trapped I am.  At this point I need someone to help and say or do the right thing, but they only see a very angry and rude person.  They do not see that I am inside that angry and rude person much like you might be in a nightmare - you are trying to escape but you are so terrified it rarely occurs to you (rationally) to wake up.

It never occurs to me (rationally) to ask for help.*

I found useful the analogy with military training: the soldier is trained into an automaton because in the firefight reason flies out the window and the soldiers need to fall back onto routines that will help them survive as a coordinated unit.  I have always felt somewhere in me that I needed a rulebook to get me out of difficult situations in one piece because it shocks me (and confuses others) how unable I become.

I thank you that you say I should focus on my emotional well-being, but I am also in a situation where others are demanding that my reform produce visible results for them so that their well-being is also improved.  It is said that it is easier for me because I have no choice, while they could choose to walk away this instant and have "a normal life". 

And indeed, the place where I know I need to start to repair is quite deep down and far from other parties' starting points, or better, they want to start in the middle, in the relation, while in my world the relation goes deep inside me and I express it as a string might resonate to the sound of sympathetic singing.

*Which is why Aspies are bullied a lot.

Hi Jakob.   Your intelligence, passion, vulnerability and eloquence shines brightly in your post, so thank you for expressing yourself in this way.  I am not autistic so cannot empathise with you as another autistic person would.  Therefore this response is from a neuro-typical person, albeit one who should on occasion relate more sensitively to others and would prefer more straight-talking from others.  I think your approach of learning about emotions is the correct one to start with; your own emotions and the emotions of others.  You also need to recognise what makes you content and/or happy and incorporate that as much as possible into your life.  Your uncertainty about your own social abilities will cause much anxiety as you feel unsure about your judgement in these areas.  I think you need to understand your own emotions as much as possible as a starting point and then set yourself some goals thereafter.  The important thing is to look after your emotional well-being 1st and foremost.