Some Context (yes I’m in the UK)

Hi,

I won't reiterate what others have said - its all good advice from people who have experienced these things. I didn't claim to have had the same situations or circumstances, but I still sympathise with you and your story.

There's always this sense of belonging with autism. You need to know where you belong, feel safe, a breathing space, and a connection. Here's a great place to start. Everyone here has different experiences, but we're all linked by autism. That's the common ground.

You can discuss on here, ask questions which might seem silly or inconsequential, but there will be someone there to say, "no, I understand what you mean." It's validation.

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I want to do certain courses for example, but they’re weekly; I can’t really say to a tutor “can I opt out for half a month whilst I nurse my uterus.” I seriously may as well hang myself. 

Hi and welcome to the community. I don't think I can give you any further advice than what others have already given, I just wanted to say hi and I hope you find this forum useful.

You said at the start you were using them to get out of the house. Do you suppose that might come across somehow. Are they just holding up a mirror to you. Maybe you don't hide it as well as you think. The truth hurts the most. I don't mean to be unkind.
Maybe you are struggling to be honest with yourself, although you seem to have been able to write it down here. Are you too passionate from day 1 because that's what you think you need to do, so you are setting yourself up?

Are they stripping away your autonomy, or do you stop doing things for yourself because it is easier to wait and do things with them? You can still have your own life too, You don't have to do everything together and become dependent. It is easy to do this without realising, which is why I am drawing your attention to it.

I understand your messiness. I have been doing the same, it is why I went to seek help as I couldn't understand the hoarding, prevarication, piles of letters and untidyness. Although my kitchen is always hygienic as I had food poising 35 years ago and don't want that again. It is related to stress and executive functioning, depression and trauma. Be kind to yourself.

You can control your flat. You can choose to tidy a bit of it, it is easier on a sunny day and we have a few of them at the moment. It will make you feel better and more in control. Try to control what you can, it will help to make you more positive. It might take months, but you can get there. You feel helpless when you are not in control. Make it something nicer you are more proud of. It doesn't need to cost anything, just a bit of time and effort.

You can have a few pot plants. There is always something you can grow as long as there is a bit of light. It is something to watch and look after, although you have a cat and they may knock it over.

I sympathise with the PDD, I wonder if my ex had that. I struggled to cope with her mood swings.

Perhaps you just have to accept you are only active for 2 weeks each month. Use those 2 for doing things, and to prepare to nest and be comfortable for the other two and not make decisions then.

Try writing things down to see how your views change throughout the month. You might see you are more irrational at certain times. You can then accept that things will get better when you get down. You know that in a week or two you will feel better and the problems will be less. It may give you more of a sense of control. You may see patterns. You may see thoughts you can challenge.

My temperament is unpredictable at times, especially for 2 weeks out of a month, every month. I struggle significantly with PMDD and I will not take birth control for example because I’m extremely sensitive to it. PMDD ruins most things for me. It causes physical exhaustion and pain throughout my body (fibromyalgia type symptoms.) And the psychological/emotional side causes debilitating depression, anxiety, paranoia, suicidal ideation etc. It’s truly awful. Not many people who’ve been in my life can tolerate it. It’s led to physical outbursts and verbal abuse from me. 

What you’ve described above is what’s been happening with partners; they’ve loved stripping away my sense of autonomy, especially the last partner. If we went for a walk and there was an argument, he’d say things like “you’re just using me to go for a walk because you can’t do it yourself.” Sick, sadistic, vile and twisted subhuman he is. And it’s the same with say dates, I expect men to pay every time. It would feel weird if they didn’t. But even when I have paid for stuff, say if it’s at a Starbucks I’ll just give the other person the money. I don’t know what it is but I hate asking for a drink. I feel judged or worried that I’ll say something wrong.   

I have a flat and no garden, sadly; I actually love flowers. But I build my life inside of this flat; it’s so hoarded and messy; the kitchen is absolutely grotesque! I have no energy or motivation to do anything due to the ADHD, depression and lack of body doubling that I need. There’s loads of books, music, dvd/blu rays, clothes, you name it; it’s just stuff though and it’s suffocating me; it’s not a life, it’s to make up for the fact that I don’t have a life. Although I do have cat, and she’s indoor and I do feed and take care of her, but I can barely get out of bed most days; poor thing is depressed because of me and my misery day on day out. 

There are some good points there:
You can go out (you don't get all food online)
You can go into a shop, as long as you don't need to interact with the staff (to be honest you don't need to interact much anyway, just hello and than thanks when you pay)
You can buy stuff, so you might be able to into other stores (e.g. bookshop, which are quiet)
If you could do a quiet bookshop, you might be able to get a coffee, my Waterstones has a coffee shop upstairs
You can manage to meet new people at the courses, so it is possible, albeit in a quiet environment
You can manage to talk to them and you have made an effort.

You can do a lot of the things needed.
You are living independently, are safe and secure.

It is easy to tell yourself you can't do things (I have done this) when actually you could, you just need to be well rested and prepared, have other stresses out of the way so you are not overloaded, and screw up your courage. Doesn't make it easy though and first time is the hardest, but you can allow yourself a reward at the end.

Are the courses at the right level where you are likely to meet similar people? Are you selling yourself short?
Just because there is no-one there with the same level of interest or knowledge does not mean it is you.
You just need to meet the right people. Where I live there are few people I can really talk to as I have nothing in common with most of them.

It is where work is often the way for most people to get some intellectual stimulation and interaction. Are you sure there is nothing you could do part time?

You are clearly quite self aware and obviously articulate.
I appreciate your frustration which is why I wondered what you think the biggest thing holding you back is.
You could then challenge it and look to see how you could chip away at it.

Do you want to interact with one person, your partner, or interact more broadly? Be aware that if you end up relying on a partner to help you, they will need to push you to help you develop, else you will become dependent, which you will then resent or will be vulnerable.

The person you were seeing does not sound right for you. Why should there be any abuse, even from day 1? You don't need to take any. You need to be clear how you want to be treated. If you think you are not worth much, you will end up being treated as if you are not worth much. Have you set the bar too low?

Seems to me your position is not lost, you just need some help to build some confidence and try some new things.
Are there some small goals you could set to give you something to work towards?

I'm not going to repeat my life story here as it doesn't seem appropriate, on someone else's post.

However, I will say that I am familiar with your comments about a toxic family and how one can be part of one that would appear 'normal' to outsiders, yet was quite the opposite from within.  I lived in a situation where the narrative was created and controlled - and those not living in the immediate family unit had no reason to suspect that anything else was the case. 

Consequently, I am also familiar with quite a few of your named diagnoses and named abuses that were the causes of them. 

I am familiar with the feeling of wanting to be involved with things - and I've often described my perspective as being on the outside looking in, rather than the inside looking out.  I do think that childhood misery combined with Autism has compounded this feeling - as I see some who've suffered with abuse - and some with Autism seemingly doing far better than I feel I do - but that's just my perspective and I may have it wrong. 

I've never used a dating app because I have a thousand misgivings about them.  (I'm not advising anyone to change their habits on my say-so, this is just my feeling) and I prefer to muddle along until I meet people I like, and hopefully like me in return.   Many many people come to this forum saying they are isolated - and I really empathise - but there's no way I want to be involved with anyone on some superficial level just because I may feel lonely.  As you say - there are those with ulterior motives everywhere - and they aren't limited to one gender. 

It must have taken a great deal of courage to write your post, so well done for that.  I really wish you good fortune going forward too. 

I’ll answer more at some point, but for example, I don’t drive at all, I won’t get on a train alone; I won’t even go into a shop for food unless it’s all self service. I mostly get shopping online. When I describe things as “abysmal” I mean it’s extremely ostracising, lonely and isolating. For instance, let’s take Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I’m at basic needs and no higher; even at my age.

The last person I was seeing lives around the corner from me, knows I’m without family and extremely lonely etc, he claimed to care about me but as soon as I said I couldn’t take his abuse anymore and I’d rather try to be friends because he and I have our own issues, he discarded of me. He is 39 and lives with his sister and is extremely dependent on his family although he has a good job etc. Anyone I meet just doesn’t fully comprehend or care about my situation. It’s also lonely because my circumstances are quite unorthodox compared to most people’s. It’s very difficult trying to make people understand; they just judge me or presume things. 

As for courses, they have been once a week when I have completed them; I hardly get talking to anyone, people keep their distance even when I’ve attempted to make an effort. It’s not enough to be physically in the presence of people; when there’s no real connection, I may as well be banging my head against a brick wall. I’m actually really articulate and pretty intelligent (not in a vastly academic way, but I can be engaging, knowledgeable about some things and funny.) I’m not completely unfortunate, nor am I hideous to look at. 

Examples of stuff I’m interested in doing with a friend or partner: Ice skating, Salsa dancing, Bouldering, Museum/Art gallery visits, Meals out, Cinema, Theatre, Zoo visits, Holidays together, Nice walks, Concerts, Making meals together, Watching films together on the sofa, Beach visits…I absolutely love concerts and have been to quite a few, but only when I had someone to go with. I wanted to see NIN this year and my last ex got tickets, but then refused to go with me even as friends when we split up. He’s an a**hole. 

Hello, it's good you have taken the time to think about your situation and write it down.
You seem quite clear, but I don't know how long it has taken you to write this or how hard it was.

It's good that you want to change things for the better and recognise the issues. This means you have not given up.

Knowing what to do and what is normal is not easy if you don't have role models.

I don't know if you have considered the double empathy problem and whether all these people may really be insincere, but it's quite possible they are and/or that your profile is attracting the wrong people. I'm not sure that dating apps are necessarily filled with the best people, or people who are really single, so they won't commit or offer emotional support.

Understanding certain things is solvable. People can help you with that. Take it one step at a time and try to break it down into small bite-size pieces.
Activities will depend on what they are and whether you can build up in steps from some something simple to build confidence, and start to view going out as something where good things will happen, rather than fearing the bad things. Although I don't know if you live in an area where you feel safe to go out.

What interests do you have? You have done some college courses.
I assume this shows you have the ability to get to college and back and to meet people (assuming it was not all online).
Is there more you could do? Is there something that might help with a job, is there something you could do part time or some voluntary stuff?

Going on holiday alone is not easy, I haven't been any where for 10 years (something I need to change), but you could try a night or two away in the UK first. A break does not have to involve a plane and a passport, just a change of scenery, a bed and a meal, a bath and a movie or book.
I don't how constrained you are by money or transport.

If there are things you want to do, is there a way to do these via a club or group, that way you would not be alone but do not have to have a boyfriend? E.g. an art group might organise a trip to a gallery. 

Talking online is not as good as in person, but it is a way to start in an unpressured environment and to get some ideas.

You said your quality of life is abysmal
Be careful not to catastrophise and generalize, e.g. is everything really terrible, when some things may be OK, perhaps you have a nice garden, perhaps you have a nice view, maybe at least 1 neighbour is not too terrible, maybe it is quiet at night so you can sleep, maybe you bake the odd cake and the cooker is good, maybe the bathroom is nice or your building is secure. Being secure and safe is worth a lot.

What do you think is most holding you back at the moment?

Anna87 said:

Truth is, what I really want and need are friends, not a relationship.

Hi and welcome to the community.

Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for us to struggle with socialising, which can leave us feeling lonely and isolated.

In addition to hopefully enjoying this community and making some connections here, you might also find it helpful, as a starting point, to read the advice in these articles:

NAS - Loneliness - includes links to examples of some other autistic people's experiences of loneliness and how they cope.

NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

In terms of some more specific, practical suggestions:

You could ask your GP for a referral to a social prescriber (as I've done, due to being socially isolated and lonely myself). The prescriber's / link worker's role is to work with you, potentially over several sessions, to develop a personalised care and support plan that meets your practical, social and emotional needs. This model operates throughout the UK. For example, in England: 

NHS England - Social prescribing

You might be able to find some socialising opportunities via the the NAS's directory - whether through a local NAS branch, or other types of support group or social programmes:

NAS - Autism Services Directory

NAS - Branches

Finally, you might be able to find some local groups by searching on Facebook and/or Google.

Anna, it is great to hear from you. I’ve been hoping all morning you’d give us an update since your last post.

If you need a penpal, I’m more than willing to help. I’m 33 with ASD, ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I have also dealt with suicidal ideation. My day job right now is helping people with disabilities find jobs, though I’m not sure I can be a lot of help with that because I have zero experience with the job market in UK. I have a wife and two daughters (and I’m an entire ocean away), so no worries about ulterior motives.

If you need immediate help, please refer to the resources I and several others sent you on the other post. We’re rooting for you.