• Replies 10 replies
  • Subscribers 73 subscribers
  • Views 1287 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Some Context (yes I’m in the UK)

Anna87

I’m 37, coming up 38, live alone (have for the best part of 20 years now) housing association. My family are toxic and enabling of abuse, and my mum threw me out at 18. I’ve never had a job in my life, but have done collage courses here and there because I chose to do so. 

Over the years I’ve had many boyfriends, but no-one who was really consistent in their approach or emotionally available. In fact, many of them have either been unhealthy or extremely abusive. I’ve also played apart in some of this abuse. The most recent one ended 2 months ago and it lasted 7 months; he was cold, callous, completely without empathy or any real compassion. Whilst the emotional side was absent, he attempted to make me co-dependent by buying me things and spending quite a lot of money in order to keep me in his grip. It didn’t work because as nice as that was, I’m really not that shallow. Although I do have a habit of letting a male become overly chivalrous at times. I believe that this is partly due to abuse that I suffered at a young age: grooming, child sexual abuse, psychological abuse all between the ages of 11-16, going into adulthood. My mother enabling all of it. I don’t really have a good example of what a “normal relationship” looks like. 

I’m diagnosed with several things: Anxiety, depression, Mixed Personality Disorder, Complex PTSD, Autism Spectrum Disorder level 1, ADHD (inattentive type,) Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (the worst of them all,) Functional Neurological Disorder. 

There’s so many activities and things I want to do, but my anxiety and lack of understanding with certain things prevent me from doing them. I have a passport for example, which I’ve had for 8 years (never used it.) The last time I went on holiday was coming up 17 years ago. I want to go on holiday, but categorically won’t go alone. I wouldn’t know the first thing about how to approach this. I use my passport for ID purposes because I don’t have anyone to go places with, and when I do meet someone, it’s always off some shallow online dating app because I don’t go out, and I always make them come to meet me. I put myself at risk by getting in their car or occasionally meeting in a local park for example due to my overwhelming anxiety. Nothing bad has happened thus far; we’ll just go on a date, but then it feels as I use them just to get out of the house. Truth is, what I really want and need are friends, not a relationship. I pretend that I want a relationship with people in order to have some kind of a life; just to reiterate, it’s usually short lived because friendship is the ultimate goal, but men can never just be friends with me and women don’t seem to like me and are very impatient with me. Men are more forgiving I find, but only because they usually have an ulterior motive, sadly. 

Parents

  • Hello, it's good you have taken the time to think about your situation and write it down.
    You seem quite clear, but I don't know how long it has taken you to write this or how hard it was.

    It's good that you want to change things for the better and recognise the issues. This means you have not given up.

    Knowing what to do and what is normal is not easy if you don't have role models.

    I don't know if you have considered the double empathy problem and whether all these people may really be insincere, but it's quite possible they are and/or that your profile is attracting the wrong people. I'm not sure that dating apps are necessarily filled with the best people, or people who are really single, so they won't commit or offer emotional support.

    Understanding certain things is solvable. People can help you with that. Take it one step at a time and try to break it down into small bite-size pieces.
    Activities will depend on what they are and whether you can build up in steps from some something simple to build confidence, and start to view going out as something where good things will happen, rather than fearing the bad things. Although I don't know if you live in an area where you feel safe to go out.

    What interests do you have? You have done some college courses.
    I assume this shows you have the ability to get to college and back and to meet people (assuming it was not all online).
    Is there more you could do? Is there something that might help with a job, is there something you could do part time or some voluntary stuff?

    Going on holiday alone is not easy, I haven't been any where for 10 years (something I need to change), but you could try a night or two away in the UK first. A break does not have to involve a plane and a passport, just a change of scenery, a bed and a meal, a bath and a movie or book.
    I don't how constrained you are by money or transport.

    If there are things you want to do, is there a way to do these via a club or group, that way you would not be alone but do not have to have a boyfriend? E.g. an art group might organise a trip to a gallery. 

    Talking online is not as good as in person, but it is a way to start in an unpressured environment and to get some ideas.

    You said your quality of life is abysmal
    Be careful not to catastrophise and generalize, e.g. is everything really terrible, when some things may be OK, perhaps you have a nice garden, perhaps you have a nice view, maybe at least 1 neighbour is not too terrible, maybe it is quiet at night so you can sleep, maybe you bake the odd cake and the cooker is good, maybe the bathroom is nice or your building is secure. Being secure and safe is worth a lot.

    What do you think is most holding you back at the moment?

Reply

  • Hello, it's good you have taken the time to think about your situation and write it down.
    You seem quite clear, but I don't know how long it has taken you to write this or how hard it was.

    It's good that you want to change things for the better and recognise the issues. This means you have not given up.

    Knowing what to do and what is normal is not easy if you don't have role models.

    I don't know if you have considered the double empathy problem and whether all these people may really be insincere, but it's quite possible they are and/or that your profile is attracting the wrong people. I'm not sure that dating apps are necessarily filled with the best people, or people who are really single, so they won't commit or offer emotional support.

    Understanding certain things is solvable. People can help you with that. Take it one step at a time and try to break it down into small bite-size pieces.
    Activities will depend on what they are and whether you can build up in steps from some something simple to build confidence, and start to view going out as something where good things will happen, rather than fearing the bad things. Although I don't know if you live in an area where you feel safe to go out.

    What interests do you have? You have done some college courses.
    I assume this shows you have the ability to get to college and back and to meet people (assuming it was not all online).
    Is there more you could do? Is there something that might help with a job, is there something you could do part time or some voluntary stuff?

    Going on holiday alone is not easy, I haven't been any where for 10 years (something I need to change), but you could try a night or two away in the UK first. A break does not have to involve a plane and a passport, just a change of scenery, a bed and a meal, a bath and a movie or book.
    I don't how constrained you are by money or transport.

    If there are things you want to do, is there a way to do these via a club or group, that way you would not be alone but do not have to have a boyfriend? E.g. an art group might organise a trip to a gallery. 

    Talking online is not as good as in person, but it is a way to start in an unpressured environment and to get some ideas.

    You said your quality of life is abysmal
    Be careful not to catastrophise and generalize, e.g. is everything really terrible, when some things may be OK, perhaps you have a nice garden, perhaps you have a nice view, maybe at least 1 neighbour is not too terrible, maybe it is quiet at night so you can sleep, maybe you bake the odd cake and the cooker is good, maybe the bathroom is nice or your building is secure. Being secure and safe is worth a lot.

    What do you think is most holding you back at the moment?

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    I’ll answer more at some point, but for example, I don’t drive at all, I won’t get on a train alone; I won’t even go into a shop for food unless it’s all self service. I mostly get shopping online. When I describe things as “abysmal” I mean it’s extremely ostracising, lonely and isolating. For instance, let’s take Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I’m at basic needs and no higher; even at my age.

    The last person I was seeing lives around the corner from me, knows I’m without family and extremely lonely etc, he claimed to care about me but as soon as I said I couldn’t take his abuse anymore and I’d rather try to be friends because he and I have our own issues, he discarded of me. He is 39 and lives with his sister and is extremely dependent on his family although he has a good job etc. Anyone I meet just doesn’t fully comprehend or care about my situation. It’s also lonely because my circumstances are quite unorthodox compared to most people’s. It’s very difficult trying to make people understand; they just judge me or presume things. 

    As for courses, they have been once a week when I have completed them; I hardly get talking to anyone, people keep their distance even when I’ve attempted to make an effort. It’s not enough to be physically in the presence of people; when there’s no real connection, I may as well be banging my head against a brick wall. I’m actually really articulate and pretty intelligent (not in a vastly academic way, but I can be engaging, knowledgeable about some things and funny.) I’m not completely unfortunate, nor am I hideous to look at. 

    Examples of stuff I’m interested in doing with a friend or partner: Ice skating, Salsa dancing, Bouldering, Museum/Art gallery visits, Meals out, Cinema, Theatre, Zoo visits, Holidays together, Nice walks, Concerts, Making meals together, Watching films together on the sofa, Beach visits…I absolutely love concerts and have been to quite a few, but only when I had someone to go with. I wanted to see NIN this year and my last ex got tickets, but then refused to go with me even as friends when we split up. He’s an a**hole.