11 year old daughter

What sort of plaits does you daughter have? Are they simple ones or are they more complicated fish tail ones? I'm a hairdresser and plaits and up do's defeat me, I'm not that neat handed.

Hi Astar678,

The behaviours that you describe are bona fide neurodiverse symptomology. Change is a significant hurdle for the autistic community members. It is nothing new or to be concerned about, although I appreciate the difficulties it causes for your family. Unfortunately, there is no 'quick fix' and as others have alluded, it is about forming a consistent routine. Try not to be too hard on yourselves, there are parents of autistic children who have to plan journeys weeks, if not months, in advance.

On a more positive note (sort of), now that your daughter has an official diagnosis, these behaviours must be taken into consideration by institutions. So if, for example, it is the school that is asking for an alternative hairstyle, you are well within your rights to ask that reasonable adjustments are made to be more accommodating or an extension on timings so morning isn't such a flash point. I can only surmise what will work best for you all.

The NAS website has masses of information on EVERYTHING related to Autism, or you can Google The Equality Act 2010 to get the ball rolling on this particular issue. It will also serve you to be fully educated moving forward. 

No doubt this period will be disconcerting for all concerned.

I genuinely wish you all the best for the future. 

Maybe start by teaching and helping her practicing doing her own braids / plaits on a weekend morning when there is less time pressure and stress of "got to get to school".  (The idea being that it should not feel like a "punishment or chore" associated as part of getting ready for school).

She might find it easier to practise with strands of string tied to something first.  Then maybe on a long-haired doll.  Next on her own wet hair.  Finally graduating onto doing her own hair. 

Maybe explain that if she is nervous about a particular school day e.g. school play or school photo day - you are still hoping she will let you be involved if she would like that and would love it if she could tell you by the night before that day.

If the school uniform rules permit decorated pony tail bands / ribbons  perhaps going shopping together (just Mother and Daughter) as part of the ritual celebrating her new skill would be nice for both of you.

If she is an Autistic young person really bothered by touch and textures - you can get pony tail bands with nothing on the covered elastic at all - not even the potentially scratchy little metal elastic end-joining clip.

Maybe try to acknowledge her efforts now and again - perhaps at the end of a school weak (not trying to make a new daily ritual) - "I noticed you did your own plaits really well on lots of days this week".

Depending on her preferences, and the school rules, you could try sowing the seed of an idea that one day she might like a different hair style.  (Some Autistic young women can oscillate between liking either long enough hair to braid / plait / tie back in a ponytail or bunches versus a really short hairstyle).

Depending on her hair texture, she might benefit from a wider-toothed plastic detangling comb rather than a brush.  Important to explain the basics of starting to comb / brush from the bottom of the hair strands and then work your way up towards your head - to detangle the hair before attempting to plait / braid the hair.

If you can find a product with which she is happy (fragrance etc.); a leave-in conditioner can help to tame the hair ready for someone with her hand size to work with the hair more easily.

It sounds like you have created a ritual. A repetitive action which contains a source of connexion and deep meaning. The only way to successfully break from this is through some kind of "passing the baton" ceremony, which you'll need to prepare her for and have an event-full day with. 

"you'll be 12 soon, old enough to where you can braid your own hair. I need to begin teaching you some different ways of doing this". I might begin to help her start practice different knots while she is having her hair braided. And/Or knitting. Something involving similar actions to move the symbolic routine into. First, set a date for the hair braiding to become instructional. Next, If she has a few friends, arrange a sleepover, hire your hair stylist and have everyone enjoy braiding each others hair in different ways. If you have a little money, and she doesn't mind a small adventure, you could finalise the "ceremony" by a weekend in Sweden and find a stylist who can explore different braids. 

You could also let her know that it's not the end, but that it will change to just 2 days a week. The action is more than just 'doing hair' and in cultures throughout history, it is a tactile way of women connecting and caring for each other.