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New here stuck in "relationship " want to escape.

Metoo19_.

Im 53 was married to him but divorced after I had a breakdown. 

Short version been with him since 1998 he masked everything for first 8yrs only when son born things started to change. My son was diagnosed adhd, add, asd, odd age 10 after a huge fight for him.  His dad got assessed and diagnosed too. 

When we separated I was in bliss, felt free, feminine and happy.  His parents started emotionally blackmail me constant calls and visits "to discuss things " his dad asd too. Pressure was too much to take him back i couldn't cope with the constant questions, after I explained everything to them too when we separated,  nope not a reason.   Apparently "failiue isn't an option,  and I signed up to it"  it wouldn't stop so I broke and took him back.

The worst decision. I'm utterly alone, he and my son don't speak at all, go upstairs every night I'm left alone. I have no friends,  no social life, no holidays,  no escape.  I live in a silent world I'm now so conditioned I have given up. I no longer care about anything I get up to clean then go to bed. I'm ignored, not told anything.  I don't work due to health problems and I'm never helped or support.  He sits on ipad and phone, has started drinking over past 8mth a bottle of wine every day out of the bottle too. I'm left alone. I'm going into myself to cope. I talk to myself,  stare at the floor. There is no joy in my existence. I have nothing,  I go nowhere I have no reason to be here anymore.  I clean clean clean just to keep my brain active. 

He is secretive, snidey, petty, selfish beyond words, rude, ill mannered. He gaslights me, has narcissist traits and behaviour.  I put up with ut all the abuse mental , emotional.  He is controlling and vile. I do not create as my son is here too. I will not make the situation worse for his sake. 

I have nowhere to go, I'm scared of his dad and terrified to make another break. I will break I'm not strong enough anymore.  I don't know where to turn. I have no accommodation or friends I can turn too. My family think he's marvellous and such a lovely bloke. I tried telling them too but was made to feel like I was the bad guy. I give up. I'm lost, broken, alone and beyond depressed. I hate my existence.  I deserve better , I do everything even down to unblocked toilet with hands because they block it constantly.  I don't nag ,berate, he takes no responsibility for his behaviour,  blames everything on me. I'm not longer a woman,  person, individual I'm a robot. I have no money, no savings i don't drive I have nothing to show for my life. I have chronic health issues but im expected to carry the weight of every responsibility without complaint. Iear to feel slightly better as I don't drink or smoke . I just sit rotting away daily, pretending all is well and knowing I'm a failure worthless useless and pointless.  

  • It's a horrible situation, I know (virtual hugs your way).

    I understand because I'm going through something similar - not quite the same. I'm going through a divorce situation but still living at home.

    I'm always told I need a hobby, an outlet away from the house. It would give me as well as my wife breathing space. But i am stubborn, I admit.

    I think your husband is stubborn too (among other things). He needs to learn to help himself. If he clogs the toilet, he ought to unclog it. That must be really demoralising for you. Give him space to realise he needs to fend for himself once in a while and not be wet nursed constantly. In the meantime, you need space to find yourself, feel more grounded and just be happy for once.

    These little separations are only temporary, but if they give you both time to evaluate, it might help. If, after a while, the situation does not change, you can't carry like this. Leave him for good and block his parents number. If they want contact with their grandson, they can speak to him directly without you getting it in the neck.

    But try these little breaks apart first. Hope this is of some small help. I do hope so.

    PS: I have had the long dark night or the soul and come to the realisation that I am exactly like your husband. So, my new, honest advice is to get him out of your life as soon as possible. It could be that he has been masking for so long that he is incapable of unmasking. He needs proper help and you cannot facilitate it. You have to come first for once

    So, forget what I said earlier. No little breaks or tiny steps. You need a clean break from him and his parents and leave the door open for your son, should he wish to engage. Give your son time to evaluate and come to you when the time comes.

    This is far better advice than anything I said prior. Very big, very sincere hugs coming your way Heart️

  • I’m really sorry to hear of your situation, I’m an older married autistic male and do sometimes have problems communicating with my wife. Your partners behaviour isn’t acceptable, autism isn’t an excuse for his behaviour. If his parents think so much of him then they should perhaps have him back. I would suggest it to them and don’t let them gaslight you.

    You are entitled to a life, perhaps chat to The Citizens Advice Bureau, it’s free and often has solicitors who work pro bono. It at least could be a starting point, how did you get him to leave last time?

  • I can only echo what others have said, and send my empathy here.  I have experienced & seen many character traits that you describe in this individual and I would not wish to live with someone like that again.  I hope there is a pathway out of this existence for you. 

    Shelter offer some advice on relationship breakdowns, perhaps there is something here that may be of use

    https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown

    Behaviour such as coercive control, and gaslighting is now a criminal offence, so there is potential to go down a route there.  You may wish to speak to the citizens advice bureau to see if they can offer some legal recourse. 

    https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

    I truly wish you well.  

  • I was very shocked and saddened to read your post and not really sure what to say. You really need to find some way out as soon as possible, hopefully the posts already written here can provide some assistance. Wishing you all the very best.

  • I’m really sorry to hear of your situation and I hope you are able to find some support at the very least.

    I can’t offer any advice I’m afraid as I have problems within my marriage also. I do understand though how living through difficulties like that every day can affect us in a major way.

    I do wish you all the best and hope you find the answers you need 

  • What a horrible way to have to live, could you see a solicitor about a divorce and a restraining order against his parents? Other than that, I can only echo what AnnaMod has said.

    I doubt very much is you are useless and failure or pointless, I think these are feelings that don't belong to you, I think you've been given these feelings to look after by other people, such as your husband and father in law, you don't have to look after these feelings, you can start giving them back to those people they really belong too. It sounds like you've been emotionally battered into accepting this situation and I know it feels like to heavy a burden to lift yourself out from under, but stop accepting, give a little back each day, do small things like seeking medical and legal advice then hopefully some lights will appear at the end of the tunnel.

    If your son dosen't talk to his father, is he happy with him being around? Maybe talk to him, you may find an unexpected allie?

  • Dear Metoo19_,

    Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are really sorry to hear the difficulties you are experiencing.

    If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support

    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help

    If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In in England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: www.nhs.uk/.../

    You may also find the following useful:

    • Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

    • Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm,

    Monday to Friday)

    • SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or

    supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)

    • Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): for men 0800 58 58 58, (5pm to

    midnight every day).

    • Shout 85258: a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone

    struggling to cope.

    To report a crime, serious incident or emergency that is happening now or about to happen: 

    • Call the police on 999 

    To report a crime that has already happened or is not an emergency. 

    Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone. Find out how to recognise the signs and where to get help from the NHS Domestic Abuse Helplines: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ 

    The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) provides support for women experiencing domestic abuse. Open 24 hours per day, every day.  

    • Telephone: 0808 2000 247 

    You can find your local Victim Support service by searching online for ‘[geographical area/local police force] + ‘victim support’.   

    We hope this is helpful to you.

    Best wishes, 

    Anna Mod