New here stuck in "relationship " want to escape.

Im 53 was married to him but divorced after I had a breakdown.

Short version been with him since 1998 he masked everything for first 8yrs only when son born things started to change. My son was diagnosed adhd, add, asd, odd age 10 after a huge fight for him. His dad got assessed and diagnosed too.

When we separated I was in bliss, felt free, feminine and happy. His parents started emotionally blackmail me constant calls and visits "to discuss things " his dad asd too. Pressure was too much to take him back i couldn't cope with the constant questions, after I explained everything to them too when we separated, nope not a reason. Apparently "failiue isn't an option, and I signed up to it" it wouldn't stop so I broke and took him back.

The worst decision. I'm utterly alone, he and my son don't speak at all, go upstairs every night I'm left alone. I have no friends, no social life, no holidays, no escape. I live in a silent world I'm now so conditioned I have given up. I no longer care about anything I get up to clean then go to bed. I'm ignored, not told anything. I don't work due to health problems and I'm never helped or support. He sits on ipad and phone, has started drinking over past 8mth a bottle of wine every day out of the bottle too. I'm left alone. I'm going into myself to cope. I talk to myself, stare at the floor. There is no joy in my existence. I have nothing, I go nowhere I have no reason to be here anymore. I clean clean clean just to keep my brain active.

He is secretive, snidey, petty, selfish beyond words, rude, ill mannered. He gaslights me, has narcissist traits and behaviour. I put up with ut all the abuse mental , emotional. He is controlling and vile. I do not create as my son is here too. I will not make the situation worse for his sake.

I have nowhere to go, I'm scared of his dad and terrified to make another break. I will break I'm not strong enough anymore. I don't know where to turn. I have no accommodation or friends I can turn too. My family think he's marvellous and such a lovely bloke. I tried telling them too but was made to feel like I was the bad guy. I give up. I'm lost, broken, alone and beyond depressed. I hate my existence. I deserve better , I do everything even down to unblocked toilet with hands because they block it constantly. I don't nag ,berate, he takes no responsibility for his behaviour, blames everything on me. I'm not longer a woman, person, individual I'm a robot. I have no money, no savings i don't drive I have nothing to show for my life. I have chronic health issues but im expected to carry the weight of every responsibility without complaint. Iear to feel slightly better as I don't drink or smoke . I just sit rotting away daily, pretending all is well and knowing I'm a failure worthless useless and pointless.

Parents

Gordon-not-Ramsay 1 month ago

It's a horrible situation, I know (virtual hugs your way).

I understand because I'm going through something similar - not quite the same. I'm going through a divorce situation but still living at home.

I'm always told I need a hobby, an outlet away from the house. It would give me as well as my wife breathing space. But i am stubborn, I admit.

I think your husband is stubborn too (among other things). He needs to learn to help himself. If he clogs the toilet, he ought to unclog it. That must be really demoralising for you. Give him space to realise he needs to fend for himself once in a while and not be wet nursed constantly. In the meantime, you need space to find yourself, feel more grounded and just be happy for once.

These little separations are only temporary, but if they give you both time to evaluate, it might help. If, after a while, the situation does not change, you can't carry like this. Leave him for good and block his parents number. If they want contact with their grandson, they can speak to him directly without you getting it in the neck.

But try these little breaks apart first. Hope this is of some small help. I do hope so.

PS: I have had the long dark night or the soul and come to the realisation that I am exactly like your husband. So, my new, honest advice is to get him out of your life as soon as possible. It could be that he has been masking for so long that he is incapable of unmasking. He needs proper help and you cannot facilitate it. You have to come first for once

So, forget what I said earlier. No little breaks or tiny steps. You need a clean break from him and his parents and leave the door open for your son, should he wish to engage. Give your son time to evaluate and come to you when the time comes.

This is far better advice than anything I said prior. Very big, very sincere hugs coming your way ️

Reply

Gordon-not-Ramsay 1 month ago

It's a horrible situation, I know (virtual hugs your way).

I understand because I'm going through something similar - not quite the same. I'm going through a divorce situation but still living at home.

I'm always told I need a hobby, an outlet away from the house. It would give me as well as my wife breathing space. But i am stubborn, I admit.

I think your husband is stubborn too (among other things). He needs to learn to help himself. If he clogs the toilet, he ought to unclog it. That must be really demoralising for you. Give him space to realise he needs to fend for himself once in a while and not be wet nursed constantly. In the meantime, you need space to find yourself, feel more grounded and just be happy for once.

These little separations are only temporary, but if they give you both time to evaluate, it might help. If, after a while, the situation does not change, you can't carry like this. Leave him for good and block his parents number. If they want contact with their grandson, they can speak to him directly without you getting it in the neck.

But try these little breaks apart first. Hope this is of some small help. I do hope so.

PS: I have had the long dark night or the soul and come to the realisation that I am exactly like your husband. So, my new, honest advice is to get him out of your life as soon as possible. It could be that he has been masking for so long that he is incapable of unmasking. He needs proper help and you cannot facilitate it. You have to come first for once

So, forget what I said earlier. No little breaks or tiny steps. You need a clean break from him and his parents and leave the door open for your son, should he wish to engage. Give your son time to evaluate and come to you when the time comes.

This is far better advice than anything I said prior. Very big, very sincere hugs coming your way ️

Children

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