Help looking for some advice - school avoidance

Sometimes if I'm really anxious about something, my brain almost shuts off to it. I think it's my brains way of trying to protect me. It might be like that for her. Could also be that she finds it very difficult to talk about or thinks that if she talks about it, you'll make her go.

Yes, that sounds about right… The longer it takes the more anxiety is being build around this concept of school. I‘m very sorry! That does sound quite rough.

She doesn’t want to go when other pupils or teachers are around. She wants to only go at a very specific time which school cannot accommodate as she wants to meet a specific person to take her in. School have suggested a shorter week and not even to think about lessons, just to try and get her in the building but do far that hasn’t worked. I feel the longer she avoids it the worse it is going to become.

thanks. I’ve tried asking her to rate her anxiety but she just tells me to go away or closes up and doesn’t want to talk. It’s like she doesn’t want to address it which is really hard to deal with.

Thank you for your advice I am going to try your suggestions of not mentioning getting up or going to school but to use other language instead. It definitely does start with getting up…or not getting up more to the point…and I am willing to try anything. I will have to be more mindful of the language I use though I do find this difficult as seem to easily say the ‘wrong thing’ which then completely backfires on me. 

She goes to mainstream school and they are not able to provide a one to one person to meet her at a time she has suggested and she doesn’t want to change schools so we are in stalemate at the minute. The person at school can however meet her before school starts when not as many people around, but she doesn’t want this.

It feels like my daughter is literally stuck on what she thinks is the answer but the school cannot provide this, and she will not compromise. I get really frustrated at times too as we have tried so many different things to help her but it just isn’t working. 

I really appreciate your help and advice. I’m going to start tomorrow morning and see how it goes.  Thank you

I've just seen a reply you made to another person. If she doesn't know what is causing the anxiety it could help to break down the day and rate it on an anxiety scale. So looking at everything from the journey to school, arriving, going to form, going to lesson 1, moving between lessons, break, lunch etc. It could be 1-10 or if she struggles with number scales (I do) it could just be not at all anxious to very anxious. This way she might be able to pin point parts of the day that are causing the anxiety.

Would she able to to give a running commentary on whats going through her head and body on a dummy journey too school? That might give you some insight into what exactly is going on for her, maybe you could record it? That way you'd be able to replay it to her school and key worker, between you all you might be able to find a way to help her cope? I wonder if the whole thing just makes her feel overwhelmed? That's a very hard thing to vocalise for anyone, it's like watching a car crash, somethings seem to slow down, but other rush past you at a frightening speed voices can sound like their coming at you from underwater and then seem incredibly loud and theres a horrible sense of invetability about it. Time and space don't feel fixed, it feels as if you are the only still point in a world that is misbehaving. I know thats not a very good explaination and other's may experience it differently. Let her read this reply and see if it resonates with her?

Part of it is trying to find out what aspect of school is causing the high anxiety and then you can come up with a plan specifically.

For PDA language regarding going to school it depends on the child. If it starts with getting out of bed you can try giving a choice for breakfast and not even mention getting up so "would you like toast or cereal". If she chooses then you likely don't need to tell her to get out of bed. If choices are difficult for her then you can try "your uniform is on the end of the bed, I'll be downstairs sorting breakfast". Leads her to the things she needs to do once out of bed but without telling her to do anything.

You can then continue this through the stages of going to school "are you putting your coat on now or in the car" or "your coat is on the end of the stairs, I'll be waiting in the car". Obviously you would change these to however your routine works.

If her autism needs are greater and less like PDA, you may want to go down the route of morning schedule (for a teenager it doesn't have to be a big deal with pictures etc if she'd hate that, just a list that works for her).

I don't know what adjustments she has in place at school but it may be that it's overwhelming to walk through the yard full of people first and could do with going straight into school. Or she'd benefit from doing the same thing every time she gets to school so the day is a little more predictable. Could be a certain staff member it'd help her to go to each morning. There's many small things that can lead up to these massive feelings.

Good luck. Hope it improves for you both.

Thank you I will have a look at this and appreciate your response 

Thank you for your advice it’s really helpful. Getting it from someone who has lived through it and experienced it first hand and hearing that it hasn’t stopped you later in life is really reassuring. We have had extensive conversations with my daughter and school have been heavily involved. She doesn’t seem to know why and I think that itself makes it more difficult for her and for us to help her. We have just had another meeting with school and are going to try something else starting next week where she can go in about bit earlier and meet her key worker without anyone else being there and she can do a reduced week too. I am just hoping this works and gets her in more, not necessarily for the education but more for her socialisation and coping skills to set her up for later life. 

This seems to be a very difficult situation for the both of you. Does she know what exactly makes her this anxious? If there are certain issues (I’m finding myself being overwhelmed sensory wise and bullying, verbally, socially and physically, was also a big issue at one point) you might want to sit down with her and the school authorities to work on a solution. It might also be of great value for her to have a less stressful schedule in the beginning of reintroducing her to school (e.g. going everyday but for less lessons or going full time but only thre days a week).

Maybe there's a difference between wanting an education and wanting to go to school? I don't have any advice except for listening to her and talking with the school and between you trying to find out why her anxiety spikes at the thought of school?

 I was a school refuser and missed most of my secondary education, some of it was due to undiagnosed ASC and learning difficulties some was due to bullying. But I always hated school, right from my first day in reception class. THe idea of school still gives me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach nearly 50 years later, but I went to uni as an adult, got a good degree in a proper acamdemic subject and loved it.

Maybe your daughter needs a different learning environment than school? Schools seem to exist to bash square pegs into round holes and some of us are more resistant to being bashed than others, we remain square pegs, even if we're bruised and bloodied.

You might find the advice here helpful:

NAS - What can I do if my child won’t go to school