Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm not sure if reciprocity is the correct term but basically I'm wondering how I can address this issue with the guy I'm seeing. He is physically responsive and often he likes to initiate physical contact with me, however I feel that he is emotionally distant. It feels almost wrong of me to say that about him because he has already introduced me to all his family and friends and wants me to visit his family with him again in the near future. He's even asked me about going on holiday with him soon. However he seems to have great difficulty with maintaining communication when we are not together. He doesn't like phone calls or video calls and he isn't reliable with texting either. It's almost like I'm not quite sure where I stand with him. It's like there are two different versions of him (the version that appears when we are together and the version that appears when we are apart). I have read on a few help sites that this can all be related to reciprocity and can be helped with an honest discussion. Does anyone have any advice or insight that could help?
Many thanks everyone x
I presume that the 'guy' is autistic? The major problem in autism is communication. Autistic communication styles and needs are different from those of allistic (non-autistic) people. Expecting an autistic person to behave and communicate in the same way as an allistic person is not really reasonable. Autistic people do not feel the need to constantly reinforce relationships in the way allistics do. Once a friendship or romantic relationship is formed we tend to view it as unchanging, so see no need to constantly reinforce it, it doesn't occur to us to do it. Many if not most autistics find phone calls difficult, we often have difficulties in face-to-face conversations, trying to maintain a conversation over the phone is even more difficult, so there is no surprise concerning your experience. We are also very focused and do not take kindly to our concentration being interrupted, by a text message for example. So there you have it, your experiences are par for the course when in a relationship with an autistic person, not any thing unusual or worrying. On the up side, autistic people tend to make very reliable and loyal partners. I have been married for 27 years to an allistic woman, we never argue and are a very solid team.
Thank you for the insight Martin. I guess my main worry was that he takes so long to respond to any messages and we did try doing phone calls or video calls instead but then those suddenly stopped. He admitted that he found them a little stressful and time consuming. The texting situation hasn't really improved even though he said he would try his best to be more responsive. For the past couple of weeks I've just waited for him to message me first instead which did seem to be better for him but of course it's the long delays in between messages that make any conversation difficult to generate or maintain. When we are together he seems very affectionate towards me and often likes to hold me hand or kiss me randomly so I know that he obviously does have feelings for me. I guess the fact that he wanted me to meet all his family and friends is a good indicator of his feelings also. I don't want to stress him out by telling him that I just feel a bit lost or sidelined sometimes
I think that managing expectations is the way to go. It is a process of mutual compromise, but if an autistic person tells you that something that you have no difficulty doing, is very difficult or stressful for them, please believe them. Whatever the length of time between meet ups or communication is, you will almost certainly find that an autistic friend or partner will just immediately pick up from where you both were before. It is the result of the 'permanence thing' about autistic relationships with others.
Thank you. I'll speak to him when I next see him. I'll tell him about my main concerns and worries and ask him how he feels. I'm assuming that he would be quite upfront about his feelings if he had any concerns. He just seems to go through these episodes of seeming close and then distant. He did mention to me before that he often likes to take things slow in order to allow all the emotions to develop naturally over time and he told me before that he was feeling a little guilty because he felt that he should be putting more time aside for me but he really likes to have enough time for his interests. I'm not sure if it makes sense to you