Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm not sure if reciprocity is the correct term but basically I'm wondering how I can address this issue with the guy I'm seeing. He is physically responsive and often he likes to initiate physical contact with me, however I feel that he is emotionally distant. It feels almost wrong of me to say that about him because he has already introduced me to all his family and friends and wants me to visit his family with him again in the near future. He's even asked me about going on holiday with him soon. However he seems to have great difficulty with maintaining communication when we are not together. He doesn't like phone calls or video calls and he isn't reliable with texting either. It's almost like I'm not quite sure where I stand with him. It's like there are two different versions of him (the version that appears when we are together and the version that appears when we are apart). I have read on a few help sites that this can all be related to reciprocity and can be helped with an honest discussion. Does anyone have any advice or insight that could help?
Many thanks everyone x
Thank you. I'll speak to him when I next see him. I'll tell him about my main concerns and worries and ask him how he feels. I'm assuming that he would be quite upfront about his feelings if he had any concerns. He just seems to go through these episodes of seeming close and then distant. He did mention to me before that he often likes to take things slow in order to allow all the emotions to develop naturally over time and he told me before that he was feeling a little guilty because he felt that he should be putting more time aside for me but he really likes to have enough time for his interests. I'm not sure if it makes sense to you
I think that you want a level of reassurance that only one person can supply. Autists like clarity and a lack of ambiguity, we seldom play mind games or consciously try to manipulate people. Why not just tell him how you feel and ask him how he fees about you?
He has admitted to being a procrastinator and has told me that he struggles with it often (e.g. going to bed on time so he can get up early enough to get ready before work, maintaining healthier eating habits, etc). He says he does struggle with some impulse control as well where he feels like he constantly has to tell himself not to eat something that he knows is going to upset his stomach, or tell himself not to spend money on something otherwise he may not have enough left before his next pay. He's been doing these 'brain exercises' to help improve his symptoms and make his life more manageable which he feels has helped a little. He says he is determined to continue with them as he wants to improve things further. He makes hypothetical references to a future with me by asking me how I would feel about having children or how I would raise my children. He's asked me about going away with him on holiday in the near future as his parents are staying away for a few months and he would like us both to go there to see them for a while. I just wish that I didn't have this doubt about the whole thing. I understand what you said before about communication and how his lack of messages or his delay with responding to messages don't have any bearing on his feelings towards me, however it still feels quite hurtful, especially because it could hours and possibly even a day until he reads or responds to my message. I would much rather him tell me that he will respond to something later if he wants a bit of space or is busy focusing on something. I don't think he has this issue with his friends who live near him. He's often able to respond to them in a more timely manner but perhaps that has something to do with the fact that they often only message him if they want to meet up with him?
NAS95443 said:'when is he going to ask me to be his girlfriend?'
I'm afraid you may have to ask him, or at least overtly prompt. My proposal to my wife was prompted by her question, "Where do you think our relationship is going?" My answer was, "I rather thought that we would get married." Without the prompting, I probably would have procrastinated even longer, even though I was already fully convinced that getting married was what I wanted. I soon after did the formal 'on one knee' thing. I even agreed to a big church wedding, followed by me making a speech at the reception, which I found very stressful, especially the speech!
Thank you so much for the insight Martin. I guess I just need to be patient with him and allow the relationship to progress at the pace he feels most comfortable with. It must sound like I'm being so testy with him but I am trying to be as supportive as possible. I've told him that I understand that he needs his space and his time to focus on his interests. I know he feels okay with texting his friends more regularly as they all share very similar interests and are able to spend time together chatting about them. I'm trying to also educate myself on these interests which I hope will be beneficial but at the same time I am also trying to introduce him to my interests/hobbies (which so far is a bit of a struggle as he seems to keep reverting things back to his interests). I'm usually so good at reading people so often I can feel certain about a person but this is the first time that I've genuinely felt that I can't read someone very well. He seems comfortable talking to me about all his past experiences (including some not so happy ones) and will openly tell me his opinions on things even if they are considered a little rude. I'm hoping that with some patience things will start to settle and feel more secure. It just feels like I'm left wondering 'when is he going to ask me to be his girlfriend?'
Problems with decision making are common in autistic people, this extends to all aspects of life, but once we are committed to something we are totally committed. The things I have said about communication are real, just because he does not reply to a text, or is very stilted on the phone and does not seem to want to talk very much, has no real bearing on what his feelings for you are. The hot to cold changing is just your perception, I imagine that he feels he is being entirely constant in his behaviour. From my own perspective, I didn't commit to any relationship until I was 100% sure that it was for life. I knew my future wife for 4 years before we started a relationship, and then another two years went by before I proposed. I wanted to be totally sure about our suitability together.
There is also a level of uncertainty for autistics, because we cannot interpret facial expression and body language very well, we are often uncertain about how other people feel about us. You may feel that you are giving out unmistakable signals about how you feel, but unless you put them into concrete words, he may be missing them completely.
Is it something that is common with ASD men? I'm new to this situation as I've never dated someone with ASD before so I guess I just don't know what to expect. In my mind it feels like he's trying to distance himself from me and is basically not interested in me (but I guess I'm basing this off relationships with other NTs). However everytime I start questioning myself about whether or not he really likes me, then I remember that he always likes to have deep conversations with me when we meet up and that he likes to initiate physical contact with me a lot and that he's introduced me to all his friends and family and he makes little plans with me for the near future. We have been dating for almost 3 months so far and he still doesn't seem quite ready to call me his girlfriend even though he says we are exclusive to each other and that he feels we are on our way to becoming official girlfriend and boyfriend. Is going from almost hot to cold behaviour quite common? And is this almost uncertain behaviour that he's exhibiting quite common?
I think that managing expectations is the way to go. It is a process of mutual compromise, but if an autistic person tells you that something that you have no difficulty doing, is very difficult or stressful for them, please believe them. Whatever the length of time between meet ups or communication is, you will almost certainly find that an autistic friend or partner will just immediately pick up from where you both were before. It is the result of the 'permanence thing' about autistic relationships with others.
Thank you for the insight Martin. I guess my main worry was that he takes so long to respond to any messages and we did try doing phone calls or video calls instead but then those suddenly stopped. He admitted that he found them a little stressful and time consuming. The texting situation hasn't really improved even though he said he would try his best to be more responsive. For the past couple of weeks I've just waited for him to message me first instead which did seem to be better for him but of course it's the long delays in between messages that make any conversation difficult to generate or maintain. When we are together he seems very affectionate towards me and often likes to hold me hand or kiss me randomly so I know that he obviously does have feelings for me. I guess the fact that he wanted me to meet all his family and friends is a good indicator of his feelings also. I don't want to stress him out by telling him that I just feel a bit lost or sidelined sometimes
I presume that the 'guy' is autistic? The major problem in autism is communication. Autistic communication styles and needs are different from those of allistic (non-autistic) people. Expecting an autistic person to behave and communicate in the same way as an allistic person is not really reasonable. Autistic people do not feel the need to constantly reinforce relationships in the way allistics do. Once a friendship or romantic relationship is formed we tend to view it as unchanging, so see no need to constantly reinforce it, it doesn't occur to us to do it. Many if not most autistics find phone calls difficult, we often have difficulties in face-to-face conversations, trying to maintain a conversation over the phone is even more difficult, so there is no surprise concerning your experience. We are also very focused and do not take kindly to our concentration being interrupted, by a text message for example. So there you have it, your experiences are par for the course when in a relationship with an autistic person, not any thing unusual or worrying. On the up side, autistic people tend to make very reliable and loyal partners. I have been married for 27 years to an allistic woman, we never argue and are a very solid team.