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andybc3

My wife and myself would like to say hello to everyone, we have a 12 year old son who has just been diagnosed with aspergers,we thought he was quirky and a bit anti-social ,we tried to involve him in things and encourage him to join in ,sometimes getting angry regrettably.We are now trying to get to grips with a new way of looking at life through his eyes and trying not to feel guilty for not catching it earlier. It's so nice to know you are all out there to talk to and we are not alone ,Thanks

  • You could get some social stories for him, and explain to him that there are more polite ways to refuse social invitations.  What you think of is rude though, is likely just him being straightforward.  It's a shame more people in this world are not honest and straightforward instead of having to hide behind fake niceties and his reactions could also be a stress reaction.  That he has friends is good, they clearly accept his ways and are not offended.  Although, it could be as Longman suggests that they are not true friends and are seeing him as entertainment fodder and are therefore very keen to get him out to have fun at his expense.  Perhaps he has even realised this himself and this is why he refuses invitations.  12 year olds are perfectly able to come across as sweetness and light in front of adults when there are more sinister things going on away from adult eyes.

    You need to understand he is vulnerable, easy to manipulate and cannot be allowed the same freedoms as other parents allow their 12 year olds (which is too much in my view anyway).  Look up "mate crime" and you will see what can befall him.  That's not to say over-protect him so he cannot ever learn anything, but help him learn, with social stories and ensuring he is always in a safe place not off with gangs of peers up to no good.

  • Have you considered inviting one of his friends to your house?  Many asd kids are able to cope with on or two friends when the socialization occurs in familiar surroundings.  Also suggest limiting the play date to max 2 hours.  I found anything longer and they all get on each other's nerves and it starts to go pear shaped.  You want to end on a high.  Maybe buy your child a new game that he can play with his friends that is of mutual interest.  

    He may not like to go out because to him unfamiliar surroundings can be very scary for him.  

    He may also benefit from joining asc groups for his age group, many of these do social events helping the child develop confidence in a safe environment.

  • Peer pressure at that age is considerable, and his friends may want to do things that are neither beneficial nor environmentally suitable for your son.

    Having difficulty with social interaction means you don't pick up on double meanings, nudge-nudge references, hidden agendas, and collective conspiracies of other 12 year olds. They may be taking advantage of his vulnerabilities, or leading him on to do things due to his misunderstanding for their entertainment.

    Socialising, because of social interaction difficulties, plain ain't the fun you imagine....

    Also the activities in a collective- everybody talking, gesturing and moving around, including loud speech or noises, sudden movements, may be extremely uncomfortable for him. Even by 12 many kids seem obsessed with making high pitched shouts or screams.

    And they may be going to noisy or intimidating places.

    It is little wonder that many young people with aspergers withdraw into their shell. the world out there is pretty horrible if you are unable to keep up with what is going on, and don't understand if you are being made a fool of by others.

  • Thank you so so much for your reply we will have a look around the site ,we are learning every day, he is our youngest child and we love him so much,but God sometimes l go to bed so drained l feel l could sleep for a week .

  • Hi - welcome to the site Smile.  Guilt is quite common so you're not alone in that but try not to dwell on it too much, learn from mistakes instead, then you'll feel better.  If you haven't already, have a good look around the site via the home pg + also the posts which are v informative + will help you to understand your son + how autism affects him as an individual.  Your son will say it as it is to his friends + will not intend any offence.  You cd suggest to him a different form of words + say it'll help his friends understand better why he doesn't want to go out with them.  Whether he'll appreciate why is another matter.  Do you know why he doesn't want to go out with them?  To me, that's important to understand.  

  • How do we deal with our son telling his friends he does not want to go out,(he does it in not a nice way) please help