Published on 12, July, 2020
It seems presumptuous of him to move into your sons’ home and expect them to leave. I think you know this doesn’t sound healthy.
Thank you both.. there was no discussion about this when moved in. I have spent a lot of time and energy getting him on his feet and supporting him after his mental breakdown from an abusive marriage. His rx wife stole all his money and assets and financjally ruined him. I got him a full autism diagnosis and my sons have supported him emotionally and made him welcome. My younger son is working hard on apprenticeship wages as he is training to be a plumber. My eldrest son dropped out of uni last year and had been battling an eating disorder and mental health. issues My partner hates him ..and thinks he is just lazy snd that there is nothing wro g with him. He doesnt understand that recovery takes time and patience.
He gets annoyed even if I have a cereal box out on the table and seems to veer from being loving to having meltdowns and shutdowns. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. It's like the poem ..when he's good he's very very good but then he's bad he is horrid. He is genuinely very apologetic when he ses I am upset snd says he wants me to ge able to save money..which is logical so it makes it hard to argue that this is my sons home snd i am not being a pushover or being taken advantage of. I'm simply helping them both to get on their feet.
NAS93981 said:My partner hates him ..and thinks he is just lazy
Autists can be very black and white in their opinions, and with a lack of empathy (also a common autistic trait) it is probably why he expresses it this way.
Knowing more I have to say that while he is having issues of his own, he is being a real jerk to the rest of you.
My approach would be to get into couples counselling with a therapist well versed in autistic relationships. There are a few things that your partner needs to understand that may be evading him:
1 - he is a guest in your house and needs to follow your house rules.
2 - your family are a priority and he needs to accept that they may have their own issues too, just like he is autistic. There are probably some imposter syndrome issues on the go as well that he will need individual therapy issues to work through.
3 - his behaviour is unacceptable. You may need to agree a way to notify him of this (the therapist should help you agree this mechanism) and he may need to find a way to take a time out and come back and behave appropriately.
Basically the therapist will get all this unspoken stuff out in the open and get you talking about it. It will hurt and there will be tears and a need for him to process a lot of this. Further individual therapy sessions will probably be needed.
You also need to be assertive (not aggressive though) and stand up for your family. They may also need to be expicitly told what not to do to wind up your partner and maybe even a family counselling session now and again would be worthwhile.
That would be my way.
NAS93981 said:I.was considering suggesting couples therapy
I've been there, worked through some really difficuly stuff that stemmed from my autism and came through the other side in much better shape.
The future may be best where you are separated but the journey through therapy will make this clear to you both and help you both come to terms with what is best all round with few hard feelings.
The start is the hardest (well it was for me) but once you can get that open and honest communication flowing then you can take a whole lot of stuff and deal with it at home if you choose - it saves on therapy costs too so there is that
Good luck to you all.
Thank you for your wisdom and taking the time to reply. Your response is both helpful and constructive. I.was considering suggesting couples therapy so your guidance has confirmed this should be the next step x