My autistic partner wants my adult sons to leave home..not sure how to handle a discussion without him losing his temper.

honestly.... id say let him leave instead.... your sons have been living longer with you yes? they have more rights there then.

you know your sons longer and likely have better bond and better relation with them. id say stick by your sons and just tell your partner hes free to leave if he wants to.

honestly your situation seems similar to my uncle.... but my uncle was the grumpy partner that didnt get along with his wifes family. he argued and shouted at them alot he upset his wife with how he disrespected and spoke to her entire family, and he always painted himself as the victim when he was clearly out of line even from our perspective of his family. he wasnt ever good with relationships or anything... some people just are not goof for a relationship and are never ready and will cause issues and try break people apart. dont let him cause trouble for your family. and also dont let him cause you mental harm too as my uncle did cause his wife to be severely depressed over all that and caused a family break up and people dispersing and moving houses as he ended up taking the rental which was hers origonally... dont be afraid to tell him to just leave then, put yourself and your family first always no matter what.

and this type of  behaviour is more a BPD thing, of which i think my uncle may have after evaluating his behaviour.... he threatened to kill himself in order to control his wife against his kids and guilt her... thats a BPD thing when you look it up. you should look BPD up and try figure out if he has that as that is the bad one for relations.

NAS93981 said:

I.was considering suggesting couples therapy

I've been there, worked through some really difficuly stuff that stemmed from my autism and came through the other side in much better shape.

The future may be best where you are separated but the journey through therapy will make this clear to you both and help you both come to terms with what is best all round with few hard feelings.

The start is the hardest (well it was for me) but once you can get that open and honest communication flowing then you can take a whole lot of stuff and deal with it at home if you choose - it saves on therapy costs too so there is that

Good luck to you all.

I'd let him leave to be honest, do you really need someone like this in your life?

What's in this situation for you?

Is he worth a rift with your sons?

Honestly it sounds like any other coersive controllong behaviour, would you even be on a site asking if this is normal if your partner wern't autistic?

Is this the start of a slippery slope?

Have you talked to your sons about him and how he's acting?

Are you always defending him to others?

Thank you for your wisdom and taking the time to reply. Your response is both helpful and constructive. I.was considering suggesting couples therapy so your guidance has confirmed this should be the next step x

NAS93981 said:

My partner hates him ..and thinks he is just lazy

Autists can be very black and white in their opinions, and with a lack of empathy (also a common autistic trait) it is probably why he expresses it this way.

Knowing more I have to say that while he is having issues of his own, he is being a real jerk to the rest of you.

My approach would be to get into couples counselling with a therapist well versed in autistic relationships. There are a few things that your partner needs to understand that may be evading him:

1 - he is a guest in your house and needs to follow your house rules.

2 - your family are a priority and he needs to accept that they may have their own issues too, just like he is autistic. There are probably some imposter syndrome issues on the go as well that he will need individual therapy issues to work through.

3 - his behaviour is unacceptable. You may need to agree a way to notify him of this (the therapist should help you agree this mechanism) and he may need to find a way to take a time out and come back and behave appropriately.

Basically the therapist will get all this unspoken stuff out in the open and get you talking about it. It will hurt and there will be tears and a need for him to process a lot of this. Further individual therapy sessions will probably be needed.

You also need to be assertive (not aggressive though) and stand up for your family. They may also need to be expicitly told what not to do to wind up your partner and maybe even a family counselling session now and again would be worthwhile.

That would be my way.

Thank you both.. there was no discussion about this when moved in. I have spent a lot of time and energy getting him on his feet and supporting him after his mental breakdown from an abusive marriage.  His rx wife stole all his money and assets and financjally ruined him. I got him a full autism diagnosis and my sons have supported him emotionally and made him welcome.  My younger son is working hard on apprenticeship wages as he is training to be a plumber. My eldrest son dropped out of uni last year and had been battling an eating disorder and mental health. issues My partner hates him ..and thinks he is just lazy snd that there is nothing wro g with him.  He doesnt understand that recovery takes time and patience. 

He gets annoyed even if I have a cereal box out on the table and seems to veer from being  loving to having meltdowns and shutdowns. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. It's like the poem ..when he's good he's very very good but then he's bad he is horrid. He is  genuinely very apologetic when he ses I am upset snd says he wants me to ge able to save money..which is logical so it makes it hard to argue that this is my sons home snd i am not being a pushover or being taken advantage of. I'm simply helping them both to get on their feet.

NAS93981 said:

Is this typical behaviour or is it something else

I don't think it is typical. It is understandable however - but also not really acceptable.

To help us gain some context, what age are your children and do they have any special needs? This will help identify whether they are quite capable of moving on to look after themselves or not.

Were there any discussions early on in the relationship about it being just you two alone?

I suspect it is most likely because you have moved on from the honeymoon phase and the children are being an annoyance he is not willing to tolerate much longer. Since they don't appear to be his biological offspring then he wants them gone and you all to himself.

I suspect it will be time to have a direct conversation about expectations and reasons - probably developing to couples counselling and possible separation as your expectations no longer align. This is all guesswork of course based on other couples I have known - every case if different.

It seems presumptuous of him to move into your sons’ home and expect them to leave. I think you know this doesn’t sound healthy.