Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
I hope you're all doing well. I'm reaching out because I'm feeling quite isolated and could really use some support and advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.
I struggle a lot with socializing. This has made it difficult for me to make and keep friends, and unfortunately, I don't have any friends right now who I can truly be myself around without masking. While I do have friends, they're not close, and I often feel like I have to hide parts of myself when I'm with them.
On the bright side, I have a very supportive boyfriend who I live with, and my parents, who I can also be myself around. They accept me for who I am, and I'm very grateful for that. However, I still feel sad because I don't have any friends with whom I can fully relax and be authentic.
Over the last few months I've began the process of unmasking around my friends, but I've been very hurt in the process and long story short - they've all pretty much backed off / disappeared from my life. I'm not ready to open myself up again just yet to try to make authentic connections. I need some time to recover and focus on accepting my current situation and to reach a place of acceptance and peace with not having true friends.
If anyone else has experienced something similar, how do you cope with feeling isolated or having to mask around most people? Do you have any tips on finding contentment and peace with my current situation while working towards a place where I can open up again?
Thank you so much for reading and any advice you might have.
I read a lot of self help on relationships which helped me figure out how to do them, I literally needed like a roadmap to know what to do. But looking back, I ended up being treated really badly anyway, and I regret not spending a lot of that time when I was in those relationships, figuring out who I was and doing things that brought me joy instead. 2.5 years ago I was lucky enough to have someone with a heart of gold walk into my life - I still make a mess of things now and again but it doesn't become a big deal which is a real blessing
Thank you
That part about existing in a world not made for us really resonated. We grow up blaming ourselves which is so sad because we are not the problem. Thank you for the reply and support ️
Thanks for your support
I've just read up on double empathy - thanks for suggesting, has helped me stop blaming myself so much
Hello!
Socializing is very difficult for me also. I've had many friendships fade away, even when not masking. What you said about finding friends who you can be authentic around is so important - making new friends, building upon and nurturing friendships takes time and effort, from both sides. I would not say that you need loads of friends, but having a few good, genuine friends can make life better. Quality over quantity.
Your parents and your boyfriend are supportive and understanding? That's great! Seek out those qualities in others. If their behaviour changes for the worse when you show your authentic self, that says more about them than it does about you.
Be the best version of yourself, and the people who stick around when you are authentic and open - these are the people you want to be with. Finding these people takes time and effort, but it is worth it. It took me several years to realise that.
Good luck and I hope things get better for you!
It's the most prominent issue to most autistic people, social situations and relationships are where we really start to notice our different way of thinking and feeling.
Best advice I can think of is to not put too much pressure on yourself, the other person or the relationship, if it's going to work it'll work best without being forced. It's also best not to exhaust that social battery, the extra processing we do in these situations can be tiring and then make it even harder.
Don't be hard on yourself if some don't work out, it's better to just have a few good connections than a lot of false ones that you're having to put 200 percent into in order to maintain them.
The double empathy theory also explains a lot of why we can struggle, I found it helped me understand why I was misunderstood often.
Hey there
Really sorry to hear about your situation atm. I can relate to your experience. I have friends but don’t really agree or enjoy with their values and beliefs. I’m not sure who I am unmasked so it’s difficult for me to know who the real me is but I know what it’s not if that makes sense? I would say for now to carry on appreciating the people you’re currently relying on and who accept you. When you’re feeling stronger why not find a local support group to try and meet likeminded people and possibly make friendships. I have not done this yet but plan to in the future. It’s so difficult existing in a world not made for us and I get it, I’ve tried to drop things out with people I feel might understand which hasn’t gone too badly but I hold back from letting go more. I feel that I need a complete lifestyle change but not really clear about my needs just yet. I can feel alone even with people around me as I don’t feel comfortable.
Good luck with everything and thanks for sharing your post
1. Remember you're not alone - read the posts on here and you will see that we've all experienced similar situations.
2. Be happy that you have an accepting partner - I do too, and it's what has kept me sane.
3. Accept that if people back off, they're not true friends.
4. Be yourself, and then if you are lucky to make new friends you know they like the real you.
Best of luck.
I really struggle with being alone and isolated.
How anyone can maintain a relationship baffles me? So, you’re doing well if you can and I’d be grateful for that.
Friends or so called friends who turn their back when you speak your truth are definitely not worth it.
Having to deal with the demands of others is my worst aspect of being social. I always wanted to do my own thing.
Good to know that you have an understanding boyfriend. That's half the battle won. Also, good that your mum and dad are supportive. Most of us have family turmoil.
Good start. Keep it up.