Published on 12, July, 2020
Firstly, please forgive me if I don't use the right terminology but I am trying. My 14 year old son is not clinically diagnosed but I am in a conversation with the school about it. He doesn't want a formal label and I can understand that. Anyway, he seems to go through phases where he gets a lot of detentions and he says he does not know why. During this phase, he will often be very moody. He gets into a cycle where if a teacher issues a detention, he is convinced the teacher "hates" him, and he then disengages from the lesson and is more likely to get a detention again. It's never for anything really serious - usually not following instructions, not listening, being repeatedly disruptive through talking. I have explained to the school that although I know they have rules, he tends to go on a downward spiral once the detentions start. He is a clever lad and after a few months in high school he began to make some nice friends, but I think sometimes they disengage with him because they sometimes see him as a bit naughty. He has an OCD issue that is really impacting on his daily life and he regularly tells me and others, including his friends, that I don't love him or care about him. This often stems from me saying no to him about something or trying to get him to do his homework or just generally stuff that he doesn't want to do. I think there is an element of PDA and I try to phrase and approach things differently so he isn't overwhelmed by requests but everyday life is full of them. Does anyone have any advice for the best approach to trying to tackle the behaviour that leads to detentions and to support him through what might be anxiety? I am not sure what I am asking really. It's just that at the moment everything is a bit fraught.
As others have said, the school system is far from ideal for autistic people. When I was in high school, I ended up being kicked out of a third of my classes because the environment was just not ideal for me. Teachers didn't have time to help me understand when they had an entire class to teach. The school would assign learning assistants who would invade my personal space and prod me to make sure I was paying attention, which only made me shut down harder. I barely made it through my exams, and hated every minute of the school experience.
Then I went to college, and it was like night and day. I chose what I studied. My education was in my hands, and not being forced upon me by adults that didn't understand my needs. And when the people around you are all equally as focused on their study, because they're actually working toward their own specific goals? It's a much more comfortable environment.
But banking on your son having good college experiences isn't much help to you now. For him, school isn't a place to learn. It doesn't suit his needs. Try to work with him to make up the difference outside of school. He needs to learn how to study on his own time, so he can learn exactly what his needs are and how he works, as an autistic person.