Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone, I am a mother of an adult son in his 20's who still lives with me. This is my first time, coming onto a support group regarding my son.
He has an amazing job, did well at University and refuses to get diagnosed, as believes there is not the right type of help out there from anyone that understands.
I feel guilty as a parent for not pushing for a diagnosis when he was a child. His autism didnt even enter my mind until he was a teenager, now looking back at how he was as a child it was so obvious, I feel terrible, even so I spent years, trying to help him. Infact, I really felt all was ok and as a family we were doing ok.
Until I became ill nearly 3 years ago, in and out of hospital, diagnosed wirh 4 chronic illnesses and ended up in a wheelchair. I am now walking again and rebuilding myself and my life. My son did not acknowledge my illnesses, despite being in and out of hospital etc, he said I was lazy. Now I am more mobile, he says I have bi polar (as no longer lazy) and refuses to speak to me, we havent had a discussion since the day my health deteriated, he estranged himself from me, but still lives in my house. I moved a bin out of my way and he had a huge meltdown, a few days ago.
This is why I am here, I accept I have lost him. But I love him and have told him that I will always be here for him.
Is this type of behaviour typical? Can anyone give me any advice regarding how to reach him? I am at a loss.
Thank you for reading this.
Apologies for delay in replying, for some reason am not receiving notifications. I have had to learn so much about all this in such a small amount of time, so please baee with me, as need to process. Your response is just what I needed to hear because he is being an ass, and I dont know what is ok and what is not ok due to his autistic traits, with regards to how I respond.
Am so pleased to hear that everything has worked out well with you and your family, and am so grateful for the time you have spent with your response.
He is undiagnosed, I am not an expert in any of this, and thought high functioning included being highly intelligent, have been told that high functioning may not be what I thought it was. He is 100% Autistic that much I know for sure.
I will read and re-read everyones response, until its clear in my head.
All the best to you.
So he's high functioning, which means he's deliberately being an ass. I know, I was him at age 20. I was that ass. My parents kicked me out and it was the only thing that allowed me to move on and come to some realisations and then repair my relationship with my parents.
I'm not saying you should kick him out, so don't take this as saying that. But if he's in your house and melting down over a bin being moved, he needs to grow up. He obviously made it through university which is far from easy for most ND's, so he knows how to survive and act in public. He has a job and presumably income. So he isn't incapable of living on his own.
So no, after re-reading your post, I think you should sit him down and read him the riot act. Failing all else, take him to the local council and tell them to find him a flat.
You can't be soft here, nor is the softly softly approach going to cut it. If he is mature enough to go to uni and work, then he is mature enough to not act like an ass around his own mother. If he wants to do so, then he needs to be living on his own.
I also don't think you have lost him, he just needs time to come to certain realisations and maybe learn some uncomfortable truths about himself.
I was undiagnosed until a couple of years back, but knew I was different to most others all my life. My life after moving into my own flat played out like some of the reports you read on ASD people living in the community. But it taught me to survive and also to not be a complete idiot around everyone else. Before that I was on the road to a prison stint and came pretty close to it a few times. I never knew why I did any of it. Living on my own cured me of that issue. In time I realised I had been a really bad son and done untold amounts of damage to my family. My parents welcomed me back nevertheless after about 7 years on my own. Don't let things escalate that far, with your son. If he's acting out now, you need to put a stop to it.
Hello Charlotte, many thanks for taking the time to explain how you felt in your message. This helps alot.
I assumed he was concerned about my health, hence his not speaking to me. Its his comments regarding me being lazy, then just because I am wrll enough to do things he calls me bi polar, which tells me he has completely not accepted my chronic illnesses. Some of what you said, about wanting to do your decorations as a family and you not wanting to see her upset, is giving me something to think on.
I will read your message again.
X
Hi there!
Im a 19 year old who just got diagnosed- might be able to give a little bit of insight.
Don't feel guilty about not pushing, my parents didn't even suspect I was autistic since representations on the media and general lack of information can often not make it obvious. You're making an effort to learn and be supportive, you show him unconditional love and will always be there for him just like any mother would- what more can someone ask?
I'm sorry you haven't talked to your son- I'm not sure how I can help for that bit, but communication is a two way street. all you can do is offer your hand and wait for him to take it, however long that may be. Sometimes I have found myself lashing out at my parents- simply because I can't find the right words to say how I feel- ill give you an example that might be relevant:
years ago my step-mums dad died around Christmas time- and obviously she was sad about this. me and my sisters were decorating the tree and she wasn't- and this upset me because I wanted to do it together as a family. When trying to convey this... it didn't go amazingly well and I ended up being a bit mean. All this arose because I didn't want to see her upset. I wanted her to be happy and for things to go back to how they were, to do things how we normally do them. This isn't an excuse for my behaviour that day. my inability to cope with change and think about my emotions doesn't excuse that I hurt her feelings.
I don't suppose that might help figure out how he might be feeling? There has been a big change and I know that change is something that a lot of autistic people struggle with. I don't want to assume anything though- people are different
I hope everything goes okay in the future, and don't forget to look after yourself too! your health is just as important. and for the record, I don't believe anyone is lost forever, it may take time but I really hope you reconnect with your son again
Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate that. Am trying to learn as much as I can, and will call a helpline to see if they can point me in the right direction. I am trying to give him as much space as he needs, whilst letting him know that I am there for him. Firstly, I have been building a support network for myself and have been looking into how I have contributed to this. Am so worried about him xx
Dont feel bad for not recognizing his autistic traits when he was younger. You are trying your best to help him now, and thats really awesome
I am not a parent so I cannot give much advice. Im just responding to bump your post up so others who can offer advice will see it. I hope you figure things out and Im glad your health has been better