Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone, I am a mother of an adult son in his 20's who still lives with me. This is my first time, coming onto a support group regarding my son.
He has an amazing job, did well at University and refuses to get diagnosed, as believes there is not the right type of help out there from anyone that understands.
I feel guilty as a parent for not pushing for a diagnosis when he was a child. His autism didnt even enter my mind until he was a teenager, now looking back at how he was as a child it was so obvious, I feel terrible, even so I spent years, trying to help him. Infact, I really felt all was ok and as a family we were doing ok.
Until I became ill nearly 3 years ago, in and out of hospital, diagnosed wirh 4 chronic illnesses and ended up in a wheelchair. I am now walking again and rebuilding myself and my life. My son did not acknowledge my illnesses, despite being in and out of hospital etc, he said I was lazy. Now I am more mobile, he says I have bi polar (as no longer lazy) and refuses to speak to me, we havent had a discussion since the day my health deteriated, he estranged himself from me, but still lives in my house. I moved a bin out of my way and he had a huge meltdown, a few days ago.
This is why I am here, I accept I have lost him. But I love him and have told him that I will always be here for him.
Is this type of behaviour typical? Can anyone give me any advice regarding how to reach him? I am at a loss.
Thank you for reading this.
Hi there!
Im a 19 year old who just got diagnosed- might be able to give a little bit of insight.
Don't feel guilty about not pushing, my parents didn't even suspect I was autistic since representations on the media and general lack of information can often not make it obvious. You're making an effort to learn and be supportive, you show him unconditional love and will always be there for him just like any mother would- what more can someone ask?
I'm sorry you haven't talked to your son- I'm not sure how I can help for that bit, but communication is a two way street. all you can do is offer your hand and wait for him to take it, however long that may be. Sometimes I have found myself lashing out at my parents- simply because I can't find the right words to say how I feel- ill give you an example that might be relevant:
years ago my step-mums dad died around Christmas time- and obviously she was sad about this. me and my sisters were decorating the tree and she wasn't- and this upset me because I wanted to do it together as a family. When trying to convey this... it didn't go amazingly well and I ended up being a bit mean. All this arose because I didn't want to see her upset. I wanted her to be happy and for things to go back to how they were, to do things how we normally do them. This isn't an excuse for my behaviour that day. my inability to cope with change and think about my emotions doesn't excuse that I hurt her feelings.
I don't suppose that might help figure out how he might be feeling? There has been a big change and I know that change is something that a lot of autistic people struggle with. I don't want to assume anything though- people are different
I hope everything goes okay in the future, and don't forget to look after yourself too! your health is just as important. and for the record, I don't believe anyone is lost forever, it may take time but I really hope you reconnect with your son again
Hello Charlotte, many thanks for taking the time to explain how you felt in your message. This helps alot.
I assumed he was concerned about my health, hence his not speaking to me. Its his comments regarding me being lazy, then just because I am wrll enough to do things he calls me bi polar, which tells me he has completely not accepted my chronic illnesses. Some of what you said, about wanting to do your decorations as a family and you not wanting to see her upset, is giving me something to think on.
I will read your message again.
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