Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone, I am a mother of an adult son in his 20's who still lives with me. This is my first time, coming onto a support group regarding my son.
He has an amazing job, did well at University and refuses to get diagnosed, as believes there is not the right type of help out there from anyone that understands.
I feel guilty as a parent for not pushing for a diagnosis when he was a child. His autism didnt even enter my mind until he was a teenager, now looking back at how he was as a child it was so obvious, I feel terrible, even so I spent years, trying to help him. Infact, I really felt all was ok and as a family we were doing ok.
Until I became ill nearly 3 years ago, in and out of hospital, diagnosed wirh 4 chronic illnesses and ended up in a wheelchair. I am now walking again and rebuilding myself and my life. My son did not acknowledge my illnesses, despite being in and out of hospital etc, he said I was lazy. Now I am more mobile, he says I have bi polar (as no longer lazy) and refuses to speak to me, we havent had a discussion since the day my health deteriated, he estranged himself from me, but still lives in my house. I moved a bin out of my way and he had a huge meltdown, a few days ago.
This is why I am here, I accept I have lost him. But I love him and have told him that I will always be here for him.
Is this type of behaviour typical? Can anyone give me any advice regarding how to reach him? I am at a loss.
Thank you for reading this.
So he's high functioning, which means he's deliberately being an ass. I know, I was him at age 20. I was that ass. My parents kicked me out and it was the only thing that allowed me to move on and come to some realisations and then repair my relationship with my parents.
I'm not saying you should kick him out, so don't take this as saying that. But if he's in your house and melting down over a bin being moved, he needs to grow up. He obviously made it through university which is far from easy for most ND's, so he knows how to survive and act in public. He has a job and presumably income. So he isn't incapable of living on his own.
So no, after re-reading your post, I think you should sit him down and read him the riot act. Failing all else, take him to the local council and tell them to find him a flat.
You can't be soft here, nor is the softly softly approach going to cut it. If he is mature enough to go to uni and work, then he is mature enough to not act like an ass around his own mother. If he wants to do so, then he needs to be living on his own.
I also don't think you have lost him, he just needs time to come to certain realisations and maybe learn some uncomfortable truths about himself.
I was undiagnosed until a couple of years back, but knew I was different to most others all my life. My life after moving into my own flat played out like some of the reports you read on ASD people living in the community. But it taught me to survive and also to not be a complete idiot around everyone else. Before that I was on the road to a prison stint and came pretty close to it a few times. I never knew why I did any of it. Living on my own cured me of that issue. In time I realised I had been a really bad son and done untold amounts of damage to my family. My parents welcomed me back nevertheless after about 7 years on my own. Don't let things escalate that far, with your son. If he's acting out now, you need to put a stop to it.
Apologies for delay in replying, for some reason am not receiving notifications. I have had to learn so much about all this in such a small amount of time, so please baee with me, as need to process. Your response is just what I needed to hear because he is being an ass, and I dont know what is ok and what is not ok due to his autistic traits, with regards to how I respond.
Am so pleased to hear that everything has worked out well with you and your family, and am so grateful for the time you have spent with your response.
He is undiagnosed, I am not an expert in any of this, and thought high functioning included being highly intelligent, have been told that high functioning may not be what I thought it was. He is 100% Autistic that much I know for sure.
I will read and re-read everyones response, until its clear in my head.
All the best to you.