Want to make friends or need help making friends?

80's music is just the best!

I'd also recommend checking out the synth wave genre & a band called Gunship is a good place to start. 

Their music video "Tech Noir" is just awesome for anyone who grew up watching 80's / 90's movies.  In fact their entire first album "Gunship" is just amazing, and the music videos are compilations of movie clips from that era which inspired each song.

It doesn't sound too great in writing but totally is!

Yes I know what you mean entirely.  I either feel like I'm "not really there" or there are times when I do click with people, but it all feels like a mask or persona and I find it pretty draining, or walk away full of self criticism for talking too much or for my awkwardness / lack of social skills.

Thanks Mark, I hope your situation with your parents improves somehow.  It's a difficult topic I think, I've only just started to broach it with mine (I can see a clear autism route within my parents) but combination of their age and the lack of generational makes it feel like it will be an uphill struggle.

Hi- I’m sorry to hear this- it’s so sad you cut yourself off due to your mother’s comments. 
I can relate to constantly wondering if I am annoying the other person, should I write to them, what to say? Will they think i’m weird? Stupid? Did I unintentionally offend someone? Etc. I do worry a lot about what other people think of me etc. 

I tend to be ok starting to talk to people but the hard part can be to actually then form a lasting friendship- i think in part it’s because a lot of the conversation when you get to know someone can be practiced and somehow there is not that much pressure yet. It really helps if you are in a setting where you have topics to talk about that you are comfortable with- I do really well talking to people at conferences, talks or any science related event as I can talk about science. Same thing when hiking- it is great for me- very easy to talk to people in mountain huts, there is common ground there. 

in terms of worrying that you could annoy someone if you contact them again, i think there are a few things to bear in mind- they don’t have to reply. If they are annoyed by it then I think it is very unlikely a friendship would develop in the first place- probably just not compatible. 

it sounds like you have very low self confidence- this makes everything harder. I can relate- but try to believe in yourself- you can make friends!

Yeah I think that as well.

It's ok but I don't see the hype everyone else does ^^

I like Tame Impala

(I really don't see the appeal of K-pop, They are okay. A bit too much hype though)

Seconded 80s music is so awesome I love it ^^

I'm not a big modern music fan really growing up I didn't really click with it.

The only modern singer I like is Charlie Puth:) 

I too love Pink Floyd and Fleetwood Mac. I think 80's songs are all underrated among others of my age. I am not really a fan of modern music. I like some of them. But don't have a taste there.

To be social I have to mask but that's not exactly healthy so I stick to myself now.

I've heard from a lot of people here that being autistic is a lonely world and that's true but communities like this allows us to be ourselves and connect.

I really love this community! ^^

You have great music taste by the way!

I love pink floyd. I have their dark side of the moon CD.

Have you listened to Fleetwood Mac? I feel like they are super underrated and have a song for everybody...

I stream them a lot of the time.

I like walking too in the countryside, walking is good for mental health.

I never realized how many superficial friends I have. Most of them doesn't even know/remember me. 

Katy Chocolate Lover said:

I worry I'm a detestable person and people don't like me but I try really hard to fit in.

That's exactly my thought. And I am really glad I could find people here who might understand that.

(P.S. I love chocolate)

I have seem Moonage Daydream, I liked it, even though others find it boring. I personally couldn't relate to him, but some how his story was really sympathetic. 

I love Bowie, my favourite is Ashes to Ashes. Have you seen the Moonage Daydream? 

Thanks

Thanks for sharing that Chris,

I too find myself observing people rather than interacting with them, in most social situations. But I haven't really figured out myself in the first place. I can see people thinking of me as weird and there is definitely some sort of missing bridge or connection. I am not part of anything. Like I lack an identity.

I think you are a great parent. Mine weren't so understanding. They still are not. 

Good to meet you too!

I think a lot of it isn't you. It's very hard these days to find people who want to make deep connections and actually put time in to a relationship. 99% of what we'll find are superficial people who will talk to us sometimes but only if they're not doing something more interesting.

Relationships just aren't a priority for most people from what I've seen. I've tried making friends a lot of times now and I get so far but generally no deep connection and proper friendship achieved, just I was someone to chat to when they had nothing better to do.

I'm not sure I've made friends here. I hope so.. It feels like it, but that might just be me. I worry I'm a detestable person and people don't like me but I try really hard to fit in. This is the only place I've ever really felt like myself and happy.

Thanks for the great movie suggestions. I'll definitely check out the artists.

I am not trying to start an argument, but what is you opinion on the Peter Jackson movies?

Mark

Hi Ann :),

Thanks for the reply. There could be something else, but I absolutely hated school. It was hell. I wasn't bright like other students, so the teachers were not so concerned about me. I was practically invisible. I was depressed and everyone just kept adding more stress on top of me. On top of that I was constantly compared to other students by my mother. To be honest I was more afraid of that, I completely cut myself from everybody by the end of high school. I didn't make a single friend during my undergrad because I didn't want my mother to know about a single other student. Four years later here I am with no communication skills or any interpersonal relationships. I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know what to talk to. It's so dumb. 

I tried Clubs and societies during my postgrad, but even with common interests its so difficult to communicate. It's always this feeling that I don't belong there and I am boring people there. I feel like I am lacking some fundamental element required to be social. Like a huge junk of my brain is not working. 

How do you contact someone you met earlier? Am I annoying them? What do they expect from me? Who knows...

Being me is really depressing. I don't have any good memories, or anything. I really don't know who I am, or what I want. Me is standing in the corner, waiting for someone to talk to me. I feel like may be I am waiting for someone to find me. And I am leaving no mark for anybody to notice me. I am looking for the easy way in and I don't believe there is one.

I should probably work on these. Thanks again for replying.

Hi Mark :), Making friends with the right people is easy. Finding the right people is hard. This has been my experience- no friends at school and I just thought I couldn't make friends or I wasn't trying hard enough. But that all changed at university when I came across some likeminded people, and I made friends with almost no effort- if it takes a lot of effort it probably isn't right. I do love board games as well- in fact I have one close friend with whom I always play board games online over board game arena ! The hard thing is really to find the right people to be your friends- I know now that I was incredibly lucky that I ended up in an environment at university where that was possible. I think maybe your chances are best through a special interest? It can be hard to find the people that you can be friends with, but when you do find them, then in my experience those friendships will last for a long long time. I no longer live in the same place as any of my friends, but I am still very close and with some people the bond has even grown despite not living in the same area- there are so many ways to stay in touch and with some friends there are long gaps in communication but the friendships have remained and when we do talk, it feels like there was not gap at all. I really hope you find your friends. I am convinced that when you do making friends with them will actually not be hard at all! If you can be yourself with people this is the best. 

I'm sorry u struggle with this but I totally do relate with a lot of what u say espech with social interactions I can't start a convo either and if people talk to me my brain just freezes and I gawp LMAO no idea what to say or do. Real awkward at school espech when I'm paired with someone in class

Ur not weird just different and that's totally fine. I wasnt completely sure I was autistic at first they just thought I was depressed and anxious which I am LOL but they said autism in the end

When I was diagnosed the assessment lady said I would be confused after and yeh I still am now I think that's probably natural to be feeling its a big change to take in 

Hi Mark. You have good tastes (imo) in music and movies. I grew up with prog but was also well aware of the punk scene, both UK and US. Other artists I rate are Patti Smith, Ramones, Yes, ELP, Green Day, Wishbone Ash, the early work of all of them though. My origins plumb classical music which I can worked out in the best of the artists I just mentioned. Re movies: like others I adore Blade Runner (Director’s cut), less enthusiastic about the cinematic adaptations of Tolkien, a suggestion: check out Tarkovsky’s Solaris, a superb piece of thinky sci-fi. My “favourite movie of all time” changes from time to time, one which I always return to though is The Unbearable Lightness Being, an adaptation of Milan Kundera’s novel. 

E 

I love Bowie too.  I've always been drawn to him and not sure why.  Not sure if anyone has seen Moonage Daydream on Netflix - but some of the way's in which he described how he feels towards others / his own sense of self did make me wonder if me might have some kind of autistic traits also.

Hey Mark,

So much of what you say is really familiar to me, I can relate to 99% of what you say here!

I'm also hugely into films, music, being around nature.  My wife is amazingly sociable, and maintains a large circle of friends for us, which is just as well as I maybe maintain 4-5 friendships at best, and even then sporadically.

Although I enjoy being around people, its more as an observer and I often worry I make people feel awkward or come across as weird.  I find I use humour a lot to mask my inability to deal with small talk. 

My favourite film is Blade Runner, but I love the Christopher Nolan films (noticed you mention Interstellar) and anything by Wes Anderson.  I'm just recently diagnosed myself but think the attention to detail(s) / complexity is what really grabs my attention so keen to see if there's any other directors out there who I might like.

Sometimes I feel very much the same as you in terms of know knowing "what" I am or where I fit in, and question whether I'm actually autistic.  We have young kids (and a daughter who has recently been diagnosed also) so I'm keen to get to know more people with the condition, learn from their experiences, and understand how to be a positive role model for my daughter (but this first comes with understanding myself I guess).

I also hold out hope of finding one day, a clique of people who I've been missing my whole life who I'll just suddenly click with, and who will share my interests with the same level of passion, but so far, no joy.

Good to meet you!

Chris