Published on 12, July, 2020
Late 70s. Always found social interaction disconcerting, scary, uninteresting and/or threatening. This has made me feel guilty about it, ie there ‘has to be something wrong with me.’ Was it caused and/or aggravated by a socially abusive father or was I born with it? I had to ‘go into myself’ in order to survive and feel secure. As a result I have developed considerable inner strength, enjoy my own company, am happy in my own skin and live what I consider to be a full satisfying lifestyle. Just occasionally however I wonder if I haven’t missed out on something in life and if so what.
I too am new here and like yourself an older person just realizing I have autism. I have been through many diagnoses over the years as science changes. Before school They said I was hyperactive (that was the only term for kids that hopped and apparently were trying to fly when they talked and just could not hold still) but I was very bright. so, I was fine, they put me on tranqs, I'd outgrow it most likely they said. FastForward a lifetime and many wrong diagnoses, Bipolar, ocd, adhd among others but nothing they did, no medication helped, no therapy helped but I figured its just life, I would never get my answers. I was actually looking up symptoms and such for my husband but in doing so everything started clicking for the first time since forever it seemed, It made sense, this was me. Period. I don't know if it is even worth being tested at almost 60. I know.
That is very good to hear that you have adapted and made a life that suits you and that you are able to find peace and happiness in.You have helped me anyway as my son has aspbergers and gets down about it but I remind him that when he is older as he is only 23 that he may feel differently and come to find peace in his life. Also you are 100% correct as because you didn't know that you had aspbergers you would have thought the problems lay with you personally and yes felt guilty etc...but now you know not to feel guilty but its a shame you felt like that. Its hard to know that if you had known life would have been different better??? I have known many different variations of people friends of mine and there kids etc and some knew some didn't etc.but there does not seem to be one set way that works out for the best and in fact some people who did find out early on it actually devastated there lives.
My acceptance of my Autism came after I retired from a long and successful career. In retrospect I realise that it was my Autism which made me successful. The only real downside is I found it difficult working for bosses who I did not respect as I respected the person not their position. However, I did get respect from bosses I respected and since they were the ones who were good at what they did, I eventually ended up working for some really good bosses. Before I accepted my Autism, I was treated for both depression and PTSD. I doubt I really had either. In the end, what has happened, happened. Would life have been different if I had accepted my Autism earlier? I will never know. It might have given me excuses for not trying to achieve things. Life happened.