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can't get out of the house.

Tilly

Hi while being new to these boards I am by no means new to life with autism.  My son is 16 and for most of his life has been relatively easy to care for despite the fact that his autism is towards the more severe end of the spectrum. He has always been stubborn but by hook or by crook both my husband and I have always managed to get him to do the (necessary) things he would rather avoid. But now he has suddenly reached the realisation that we can't make he do anything he doesn't want to do. By some miracle we manage to get him ready for school and out the door to the taxi but it takes a gargantuan effort on both our parts and by the time he's left I feel as if I've already done a day's work before the day even begins.  He is currently sitting on our bathroom floor (he's been there for the past 5 hours) and refusing to move.  He's washed and semi dressed (only because myself and my husband did these  for him).  Nothing is helping him  to move food, drink, home made flap jack.  I'm not expecting anyone to provide me with some magical solutions just reassurance.  I can't help feeling like a really bad parent.  The sun is shining most families are out and about in the sunshine and we can't get our son off the bathroom floor!  Sometimes I feel I've allowed him to slip into his own world far too often.

  • Many thanks for your kind words. It's good to know we're not alone.  Unfortunately his language skills are not at the level where you can reason with him in any meaningful way. School do have similar problems with him and although it is an autism specific school they don't have any solutions that we haven't tried already.  His ability to zone out is phenomenal and our big fear is that we will reach the point where he decides that he simply is not going to move no matter what we do.  I guess to some extent we've reached that place already.

  • I have a 14yr old with Aspergers who is currently not in school, he has high anxiety and cannot cope with the sensory side. As he has got older I have found that he has become more rigid and often reasoning (although it is always worth a try) just doesn't work. I haven't got any answers I'm afraid, I just wanted to sympathise.I would try to get the school involved, ask their advice, maybe someone could come round who he likes in school, teacher/support staff and help you in some way? I am just trying to think of a way around it. My son is in mainstream and they are at a loss, but if your son is in a special school they probably have come across this before. But don't think it is your fault in any way, you are doing a fantastic job. Xx

  • Hi - I think there must be quite a number of parents who end up staying in a lot, so you're not at all a bad parent.  Don't even think it.  After my son left school he became aware that others didn't always have to make decisions for him + that he could make decisions for himself.  This is a good thing as long as the decision that's made is an informed one.  My son isn't aspergers.  We've found that explaining why something isn't appropriate is more effective when put into practical language + also allowing some give and take.  He'll sometimes ask why he should do something + as long as there's a properly sensible reason for it, then he'll oblige.  If for example he refused to get washed then we'd explain that he'd get smelly. dirty + itchy.  Your son may just be experimenting with his new-found freedom.  How's his mood?  My son would sit quite still + quiet for sometimes longish periods of time (not 5 hrs) wondering about something he didn't understand before working out the question to ask.  Also if he doesn't enjoy something, like the rest of us, he doesn't want to do it....school?  He also has his own routine on a morning which it's important he completes, altho he does alter it at times depending on the situation.  It's always easier if someone can explain their actions.  Has he said anything at all in this regard?  

  • My 8yo frequently fights me when it's time to get washed and dressed.  Thankfully, on school days she is worried enough about being in trouble with the school and the pressure of the taxi arriving at a certain time to behave.  But when there is no school, it's a nightmare.  I am sure she will play me up more when she is older, she is already very oppositional.  The only thing I have come up with is distraction for times when she is fixated on a certain behaviour, but even that doesn't work when she is determined to play up.  She doesn't respect adult authority, she analyses why she should do things and if she thinks it's not important then she won't do it.

    5 hours is a very long time to sit in one spot.  I think the best thing is to leave him be for a while to process whatever it is he is feeling and he will be more likely to leave that spot on his own.  Sometimes, repeatedly cajoling and offering solutions just feels like overwhelming input to someone on the spectrum and it doesn't get the result you need or want.

    You aren't a bad parent.  And you are not alone.  I am pretty housebound when my daughter is home as she is so stressful to take out, she runs off, has meltdowns and is like a black cloud to have around.  So I avoid going out unless I really have no choice.