Published on 12, July, 2020
My son was diagnosed with ASD in November 2022, aged 18 after a long very stressful 10 year process involving CAHM’s for a number years.
He started University in September 2022, and unfortunately because his official diagnoses has taken so long, he’s basically had zero support from his University since he started in September.
He’s really struggling, his made no friends, he want ask for help and he’s convinced he’s going to fail the first year and he’s the going to be £13K in debt for being a failure.
He’s not really capable for applying for a job or even holding down a part time job.
It makes me sad because he’s sad and he thinks the easiest solution is to kill himself because he’s such a failure. He’s such a bright boy but because of his ASD. He struggles with independent learning, speaking to new people and general life admin. He gets frustrated and angry and it causes so much tension in lives.
I just want him to be happy, I just don’t know what I can do for him and I’m worried about he failing the first year at Uni and how much he will be in as a result. I’m trying to get some additional support have DSA but it’s just too late now for his first year
Hi, I'm so sorry to hear this. I am autistic too and I was recently diagnosed at age 25. The university needs to support him. Has he talked to them about his diagnosis? I unfortunately had no idea I was autistic during my Bachelor and Masters but I am now starting as a PhD student and my university is able to offer a lot of support. For example, I will have weekly mentoring, they drew up a student support document for me (explaining my needs etc) and I have a disability advisor now and will have access to social groups. I know from friends that my university even provides support before an official diagnosis and offers screening/ pre-assessment appointments for autism. For one of my friends they even eventually paid for him to be assessed privately. I don't know if all universities are this good in terms of support but especially now that your son has an official diagnoses they are legally obliged to support him. This could involve things like offering him mentoring, study skills sessions, allowing him to have access to recordings of lectures, adjustments to exams (such as being able to take exams from a separate room, or have regular breaks etc- what ever is necessary) etc.
Knowing that he is autistic will also help him better understand himself and over time find ways to cope. It's unfortunate that he might fail his first year but even if he does, that is just a set back. It doesn't have to be the end of his studies. In some circumstances, universities also let you move on to the second year despite having failed the first year (under some conditions) or maybe he could retake the exams, or he might feel that he wants to intermit and take a break first and come back to the uni later, or he might feel that a different university might better suit his needs. But he hasn't failed yet? So all this might not even take place. I think the most important thing is to reach out to the university and make them aware and try to get some support put into place. Exam adjustments can take longer to be approved but just to give you an idea, it took my university 2 days after I disclosed to them to set up my student support document and apply for funding for my mentoring, and a week later they had already got the funding to start my mentoring and I will be starting that next week so about 2 weeks after disclosing. So it is very feasible to get at least some support put into place quickly!
Your son is NOT a failure. Things don't always go according to plan and the transition to university is challenging for many people. And particularly challenging when autistic- there are a lot of changes and if there is no support it is even harder! I wouldn't give up on him completing a degree if he wants too and I wouldn't worry now about his ability to hold down a job. One thing at a time. Things evolve, and we do find coping strategies. Right now I would focus on those things that you can control/deal with, like letting to university know and pushing for support!
Hi NAS85943, I am so sorry to hear that your son is going through such a difficult time at university. In addition to the responses you've had, I thought I would share some pages that may be helpful in terms of support for him:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/transitions/england/starting-college-or-university#H2_6
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/tips-students-university
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/mindfulness-university
Best wishes,
Anna Mod
You might need to get more actively involved if he won't or can't self advocate. Unless he would be too upset by that, but he should be encouraged to not just carry on in his current state.
He should probably consider some kind of pause and retake the first year if possible. Is the subject right for him? Often people make a choice which is not right for them - I did for sure. I signed up for Geology, but should have switched to archaeology. I ended up having to end my studies, when I should have been advised to pause them instead, because I got really ill and ended up with a lifelong physical disability. It might have been partially caused by the stress of being in the wrong course and although I did try to do something about it was too difficult, especially when I was ill. I did eventually get a degree, but it was more complicated, fortunately my parents helped me a lot. And a friend's son started out doing engineering but didn't get on with it and had to take a break but now he has nearly finished a degree in dentistry and is much happier with that choice.
But even if he does like his subject, he might be better off restarting, then he will know what to expect and be calmer about it and possibly more able to make friends. I found freshers' week the easiest time to make friends as everyone is in the same boat, alone and wanting to find friends. Societies is a good place to find friends, when I was at uni there were loads of obscure and geeky societies which probably attract the neurodivergent!
He really needs to reach out to the university, have they been informed that he now has a diagnosis? They may also have a mental health first aid team he can talk to as well. Ends of terms are busy times for coursework and this time he’ll likely have exams looming after the holidays, if he struggles with independent learning then he really needs support from their SEN teams as university mostly is independent. Are there any local charities or even a social worker type service he can get a referral to to help with life admin?