What to do

Hi everyone,

I don't know why to start, but here goes. I'm struggling at the moment with being me. I watched a program the other day about a women with autism and my best friend (we are more like sisters) said it sound so much like me in many ways. I'm trying to work out whether to speak to my doctor and try and get a diagnosis, part of me just wants to know if I am or whether I am just a loner.

I have always found it difficult to make friends even when I was at school. I don't have any friends from school that I talk to or could say were friends. The only time I had 'friends' was when I had something they wanted i.e sweets or food. I didn't realise until a few years ago this happens a lot even when I thought I had friends in the Army they were just 'using me', they would invite me out with them but it wasn't for my company it was so I would drive and they could drink.

I also find going out socially really hard I would rather stay in and watch television than go out. In the Army the culture is to be out most nights drinking but I didn't enjoy so I was the 'weird' one. When I do go out for a meal with my mate the slightest noise annoys me, my mate can switch off to it but it just winds me up. I hate when people are watching/listening to things on their phones and I can hear, have some manners. I don't want to hear what your listening to.

I find it hard to fit in and must of the time don't understand what they are talking about or the joke they have just made but laugh with everyone else just to try and fit it. I also find it hard to read peoples expressions and only realise they're bored or I have said the something too many times is when I'm in mid sentence they start talking to someone else. I have realised that I also talk over people which I think they also get annoyed with.

I hate going somewhere new and talk myself out of going so many times. I get angry when I can't do something especially something simple or if I try and do something on my phone and it won't work I will throw my phone.

I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I get to the point where I feel there is no point being here no one would miss me. I'm currently off work sick as the doctor thinks i'm stressed and anxious about a disciplinary that's happening, which I am, but I think it's more than that. He wants me to have counselling, which I'm waiting for. I'm also looking for a new job as I think they don't get me so are trying to get rid of me, but that is also very scary as I will have to go for interviews and meet new people.

Hope this makes some sort of sense, I'm not good at expressing my feeling especially when I have to write them down. After watching the program I have done a little research and have done the AQ10 (scoring 9) and the AQ50 (scoring 72) but I'm just not sure whether to try and get a diagnosis or not?

Hope I haven't bored you too much.