Published on 12, July, 2020
My 16 year boy has been very lonely and isolated since starting college. He has a twin brother who has been his partner in crime since they were born. Now his brother is at college in a different class. He has not made any friends and is getting increasing depressed, which lead into epic meltdowns. I desperately want to help him. Anyone in the same situation, or have any tips?
I’d agree with what Ann has written above. My eldest struggled a lot with making friends at school. He made 2 friends by making up a sort of game with a narrative that these two other boys found really interesting. Then at Uni he really struggled for the first year and a half but then joined a society that had a lot of neurodivergent people in it - so the shared interest was the catalyst for getting some like minded people together. He met his girlfriend there too. A few years on they are a really close knit and supportive group of friends and they make such a positive difference to his life. My youngest (both my adult children are autistic) has found it much more difficult as he has Selective Mutism and his social anxiety has increased in recent years. I do think though that in time - if he meets people he has an affinity with - that he will make some friends in time. I really do feel that autistic people get on better with other autistic people generally. Or rather - it’s a bit easier.
Hi, I think this is good advice. I am autistic too though I was only diagnosed recently at age 25. I had a hard time at school- I had no friends. I realised later that there probably just wasn’t anyone I could have connected to at my school. That changed at university- I met some people that I connected to (through shared interests) and those friendships developed almost effortlessly- I realised that before this I just hadn’t come accross the ‘right people’ that I could connect to. It’s not always easy to find those people but in my experience the best chance is through a shared interest- does your son have any hobbies or interests through which he could meet people? Also if there are any groups for autistic people that could be an idea. I realised recently that most of my friends actually are neurodivergent too (I just didn’t know when I met them- only found out when i mentioned to them that I am autistic). School can be very hard. I would like your son to know that there are people in the world that he can connect to and make friends with- he just hasn’t met them yet but he will. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough to make friends at school, for not engaging enough or for not going when I got an 1-2 invitations to go to movies with classmates. I didn’t know that i was autistic or why i was different. It turned out that when I did meet the right people making friends with them was easy and those friendships that are the best and last are those where i can be myself more (rather than having to mask). The university setting really helped to put me in contact with people and it has been much harder since i graduated as it can be difficult to put yourself in situations where you can meet people.
It sounds like your son is getting overwhelmed at school- has he been able to point out any factors that add to stress at school? Could the school make some accomodations that might help?
Hi, we have talked about this with him. I'm sure he will at some point. He is still in a bit of denial. He has been referred to CAMHS 5 times since early childhood, and everything they said it was our parenting, even though his twin brother was perfectly fine. I've had a look, and I think it would be great for him to speak to people his age with the same diagnosis. I'm trying to encourage him to dip his toes in x
He doesn't as yet. We are looking into it. It's difficult to get home to engage with anyone.
I am an 18-year-old relatively recently diagnosed autistic person. I found making friends in school extremely difficult. I have found that being around other autistic people/neurodivergent people general makes it a lot easier to make friends.
Is there any groups for autistic teenagers in your area? Or an explorer scout unit? (I found that a lot of scouts are neurodivergent when I went).
I also know a lot of autistic people that found online friends are easier to connect with. Has he tried anything like that on discord servers etc.?
Does your son receive any extra support in college? Is he diagnosed as autistic? Are the college helpful and supportive?