Want to Support My Newly Diagnosed Husband (Autism) - Any Advice Please?

Hi there.

There are many folks here who were diagnosed later in life, so your husband is not alone. I was assessed aged 67 and thought I would be the only oldie here, but no, there are several of us on this forum. In fact,  mid-forties looks quite young from where I'm standing.

I rather like your line "... reinterpreting many events/situations from the past through the lens of his diagnosis."

I'm still doing that after two years and, of course, am still learning. The past becomes clearer and the present becomes more relaxed, well for me it does.

You've had some good advice on this thread.   Someone mentioned Utube which I found very usefull, expecially in the early days.

It takes time and can be a bit difficult and emotional,  but I wouldn't put the clock back for anything: quite simply - it's much better to know than not know;  so many things now make sense to me.

Ben

NAS83887,

In terms of researching Autism:

1. I find watching various you tubers gave me reassurance.

2. Being a member here really helped me feel part of an accepting community. On top of that there are many posts to look through on relationships/newly diagnosed and support links too.

3. Some folks here have recommended books which are also a good resource but make sure they are written by Autistic authors to get a true picture of what it is like to be Autistic.  Non Autistic books about Autism tend to focus on the negatives which is upsetting and insulting for us.

With respect to your relationship:

1.  You both have a new lens to view your relationship which will undoubtedly be tough but amazing too.

2. Give yourself time and space to process everything as I'm sure you will.

3. Try to accept the communication in your relationship may not always be straight forward but the strength is that you are both willing to try.

Take time to give yourself self care.  Try talking with trusted folks to speak about how you really feel.  Your husband will have much to process but may need space in which to do that.  

I understand how communication can be tough in a marriage as I had the same challenges with my ex husband who I suspect is Autistic.  I also think I am which's why I was drawn to him.  Our daughter is diagnosed which has lead to Autism being a study subject for me. 

Take care of yourself and thanks for reaching out on here. 

Hi, what your husband is going through is quite normal. After the “A bomb” drops,  it can throw what we thought had been our lives into total disarray. Every part of our lives has to then be processed for reassurance that we aren’t actually bad people. It is a big learning curve and it has no time limit to it. He will get through it. Just occasionally ask if he wants to talk about anything, I personally hate when someone try’s to smother me too much, ask once and then leave the subject. Family will hopefully open up to the idea, I suppose they have only ever known the person he has portrayed for years, you are now trying to tell them that this person never actually existed and this is who he is. To be honest family and some friends never get it. As  others have said, see if he wants to chat with us. He will never get judged on this site, only ever help. I read a good book by Laura James called Odd Girl Out, I know it’s from the female perspective but it shows how she was processing her autism and communicating with her partner. Sara Gibbs wrote a book called Drama Queen, she did a series of podcasts called Aut-hour, she interviews autistic authors, Laura is one of them. It was very reassuring how different every person was who she interviewed, it was more like informal chats. Maybe give them a try. There are also lot’s of good videos on YouTube. Obviously this is only how I’m getting through it all.

I don't know if this will help you, but I would
recommend Tony Attwood's books. He also has a page 
on facebook.

Anthony John Attwood (born 9 February 1952) 
is a British psychologist notable for his work
 on Asperger's Syndrome. He resides in Queensland, 
Australia, where he is an Associate Professor at 
Griffith University.

I would recommend 'Autism in Adults (Overcoming Common Problems)', by Luke Beardon.

Available here (I have the Kindle version):

www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_3

Encourage your husband to engage here with us.  He will probably be very pleasantly surprised by the connections and comfort he might find........I presume you are still here.......?

NAS83887 said:

I want to help him but I'm not sure where to start.

I think you've started with this post.

NAS83887 said:

Do you have any advice on things that family members/ partners can do (or not do) to support someone going through coming to terms with diagnosis as an adult?

Would he be comfortable posting on here himself?

There are quite a lot of wise owls on here who may be able to give advice/share their own experiences.

NAS83887 said:

Are there resources that you can suggest

The best resource I've found is this website + forum.

Other than that, there are some good books you could try.

Here is a thread you may want to read:

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/28681/hello-and-book-recommendations/251694#251694

NAS83887 said:

And do you have any recommendations for books, websites, online communities or other resources for partners and families?

I don't I'm afraid, but partners and families do post here, and we help as much as we can.

All the best.