Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone,
My husband, mid 40s, together for nearly 15 years, has just been diagnosed as having autism. I want to support him as best as possible, and also want to improve communication between us, but I am finding it difficult.
He is going through a lot trying to come to terms with and understand his diagnosis. He is experiencing a feeling of loss, some confusion and a lot of anger, and also reinterpreting many events/situations from the past through the lens of his diagnosis. We have always had some communication challenges and I think we are just starting to find out a big part of the 'why!' I've tried talking to my family and in counselling but am struggling to get others to understand how challenging this is for us. I want to help him but I'm not sure where to start.
Do you have any advice on things that family members/ partners can do (or not do) to support someone going through coming to terms with diagnosis as an adult? Are there resources that you can suggest?
And do you have any recommendations for books, websites, online communities or other resources for partners and families? I have done a big Google but not much is coming up that's helpful.
Thank you!
Hi, what your husband is going through is quite normal. After the “A bomb” drops, it can throw what we thought had been our lives into total disarray. Every part of our lives has to then be processed for reassurance that we aren’t actually bad people. It is a big learning curve and it has no time limit to it. He will get through it. Just occasionally ask if he wants to talk about anything, I personally hate when someone try’s to smother me too much, ask once and then leave the subject. Family will hopefully open up to the idea, I suppose they have only ever known the person he has portrayed for years, you are now trying to tell them that this person never actually existed and this is who he is. To be honest family and some friends never get it. As others have said, see if he wants to chat with us. He will never get judged on this site, only ever help. I read a good book by Laura James called Odd Girl Out, I know it’s from the female perspective but it shows how she was processing her autism and communicating with her partner. Sara Gibbs wrote a book called Drama Queen, she did a series of podcasts called Aut-hour, she interviews autistic authors, Laura is one of them. It was very reassuring how different every person was who she interviewed, it was more like informal chats. Maybe give them a try. There are also lot’s of good videos on YouTube. Obviously this is only how I’m getting through it all.