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I hate myself

NAS83027

I just need to say this.

I hate myself. I hate the fact that I am not normal. I hate the fact that I don't understand sarcasm or jokes and I hate the fact that I seem to lack any sort of social awareness. 

If there was a cure for autism I would take it in a heart beat. I would love to be normal and not feel as though I am being awkward. Maybe I would make more friends, maybe I would feel happier inside, maybe I wouldn't feel like such a disappointment. Maybe I would feel better and not feel as thought I have to disclose it on job applications.

I always have at the back on my mind that if people knew I was autistic I wouldn't have a chance in having a job cause all they would see is the diagnosis.

I hope this hasn't offended anyone. 

I have never wrote on a platform like this I just needed to say something.

  • I can understand that feeling, I sometimes feel some self hatred, and feel useless and a failure etc.

    ultimately though I try to talk myself out of these very unhelpful thoughts. Thinking like that can only make life worse - and life is hard enough as it is. 

    sometimes it can help to write things down. For example - what are the good things about you - there must be some good qualities that you have. Are you caring? Kind? Do you have interests that fascinate you? Are you a loving son or father etc? What do you care about? 
    And if you can’t think of good things - think of the things you DON’T do. Buddhist teaching says that if you can’t go good then at least don’t do harm - because in a way that IS doing good.

    Try to tip the balance of your thinking into a more positive light if you can.

    Also try to do something - rather than dwell on these negative thoughts about yourself. Maybe rearrange your house or flat, or do some cooking, or go for a walk. 

  • Hi, it isn’t always easy and better times will come. Maybe start to think about all the things that you can do that NT people struggle with. I found years of not knowing I’m autistic harder than actually now seeing the world through my ‘autistic eyes’

  • You're not alone. I felt like the a lot when I was younger. Life was such a struggle, and back then I had no idea why. Since then I've learned to embrace my weirdness and though it's still very hard to make friends, there are some people who understand and it helps. There are some employers who do value autistic traits- in nerdy profesions or working with other neurodivergent people. 

    Emotions can be very overwhelming, and they are real but they pass too. Hang in there. Keep learning, find your speciality and it does get better.

  • I'm sorry you feel like this. I also struggle with being autistic, lonely and socially awkward. I don't know if we would be happier if we were neurotypical, though. There are just too many other factors to be able to tell.

    Please don't feel like you're a disappointment. You're dealing with a lot. We all are, here. Please believe that things can get better. I try to believe that, although it's not always easy.

    You don't have to disclose autism on job applications. The only reason it might be necessary at that stage is to claim adjustments in the interview process. You can disclose after you've got the job, or not at all. There's no legal or moral obligation to tell anyone unless you want support in the workplace.