I'm Chris, 42 from W.Yorks and I'm lost

Hi all,

I've known for a long time something hasn't been quite right - my GP diagnosed me with Social Anxiety a long time ago but I think that diagnosis was because I was putting words into his mouth.

I've always been a quiet person from what others have said, I had a good circle of friends in my youth and then something happened during high school which I can't put my finger on. I remember an older boy bullying me and 'de-kegging' me in the local park with lots of girls watching, those girls were a mix of younger, older and same age as me. Some were even in my form class at high school. I was devastated at the time and this particular lad hunted me insdie and outside of school for maybe 6 months until I said something to my older sister who dealt with it and that chapter then closed.

I would say I am overly-sensative. Certain things really knock the wind out of my sail and it seems to take me days to recover from it. I hate confrontation, I find it hard to click with people. I seem to have a natural ability to upset people without knowing it.

My work life is great! I love my job and I've done well for myself. Last November I took the descision to buy my first house instead of either renting or relying on past/present partners to give me stability. That I am quite proud of because I knew what battles I was getting myself into. I have very few people in my life that seem to value my existence.

I have two girls, one of them is not biologically mine but I was always known as Dad. A couple years ago I messed that up too and now they don't have any desire to be part of my life. This one isn't helping my situation as it goes round and round my head until I go into self-destruct mode. I think my way of dealing with that is by abusing spending/cannabis or drink. Spending makes me feel good but it only last a short time until whatever I bought loses my attention. Cannabis makes me approach life with a don't care attitude but then leads to paranoia and laziness. Drink has never been a big part of my life but since quitting Cannabis it has become a goto.

My current partner of nearly 4 years has had enough. I don't blame her. We have had such good times - when I'm with her my mood instantly picks up like a natural drug and literally I forget about my other issues/deamons etc. This puts her under too much pressure and I'm well aware of this. She is my best freind, my lover and my rock. Last night we went out together for cocktails and I basically got hammered very quickly. At the time I just thought I was having fun. One mintute we were eating Tapas and having a jolly and the next I am in her face calling her names and being rude towards her. I then stormed out and walked home leaving her there looking devastated. I remember walking home thinking good, she deserved that.

Then comes the shock of what I've done - this is the part where my head goes into a mad spin, my heart beat starts racing and I can't sit still. Instant regret and no way out. Trapped in a viscious circle that gets faster and faster until I am texting her, ringing her, going to her house to plead for forgiveness. She doesn't respond, I start threating that she isn't home safe or something bad has happened. I lose all ability to think and the tangled mess in my head consumes my entire body until I am shaking from head to toe. I've now been awake all night and I don't even feel tired.

What else can I say about myself? I avoid people because I'm not sure if they will like me, I'm scared that I don't talk enough and come across as ignorant/boring. I've never danced in public because I think everyone is watching me and I'm convinced everyone will stop to laugh at my stiff attempt to dance. I can't relax or be myself, I have no flow - I don't live in the moment. I'm too busy analysing what if's etc.

At 42 I've had enough of this now. I need to move forwards. I need to admit I have a deep problem that needs adressing. I'm tired from the fight, I have no more to give. I am trying my best to understand myself but I can't see inside looking out. I seek advice from others that know me (very few people in my life) and only one of them knows all the above so it's difficult for me to get a good overview from outside looking in.

For me right now, the biggest clue is how well I seem to do with work related stuff and terrible at the rest. Does all the rest rely heavily on emotional things? Is this my clue? Can anyone else read anything obvious into the above?

I am a fighter, I won't go down easily. My core is good and my heart pines for acceptance. Thanks for reading my story. I wish everyone happiness.