Published on 12, July, 2020
I just wanted to say hi as I've been lurking on the discussion boards for a while now. I'm 36 and was diagnosed as autistic a few months ago following a massive burnout/breakdown in which my life collapsed and I was forced to confront all the mental and physical health issues I've tried to ignore for so long. I'm now in a better place but still trying to understand everything. I like reading things from others on the spectrum and it's helping me to process what it means and how to structure my life from now on. However, one of my biggest difficulties is in actively communicating, which I'm assuming isn't unusual, but I wanted to find out whether anyone relates and how other people deal with this?
My issue is, more often than not, I have way too much to say and I can't figure out how to write short replies or posts. When I do attempt to write something, I'll usually end up writing at least 2 or 3 paragraphs, which can take anything between 2 hours and 2 days, depending how much brain fog I have. This 'hyper focus' seems to be the only way I can connect to my internal stream of thought in order to express myself and respond to people. So I end up writing loads. If I don't have the time or space to do this, I get a mind blank and I can't say anything. It's like an all or nothing situation. I find it in speech too. Anyway, sometimes after I've written a mini essay, I get really self conscious and guilty about taking up other people's time, and I delete the whole thing. If I do happen to be able to write a short reply to something, it is probably because I've had the patience and perseverance to edit and cut down my original reply, which can take extra time and energy. Very rarely I can post a short reply quickly. I don't know what causes these incidences and I wish I could make it happen more often, but right now my default state seems to be to write essays and I just don't think this is fair, both for other people reading it, and for me as I have so many other things I could be using that time for. Sometimes I forget to eat or drink or take my eyes off the screen until I've finished a message, which again can be all day, and then I get sick. I'm supposed to be self-employed, but I keep putting off my client work because replying to messages takes so long.
A part of me thinks it would be better if I just avoided trying to communicate at all. Like tape my mouth shut, but in writing. I feel really bad when someone replies to my post, and I can't reply back for a few days. Sometimes it can take me weeks before I have the energy to devote to replying and by that point the conversation has passed and is probably no longer relevant. So to avoid disappointment, I usually hide and lurk, or only comment on the odd thing I know I can keep my reply short. But I always have so much to say. When I read other people's posts, they set off huge detailed discussions in my brain. Which can be a good thing for processing and understanding concepts, but also akin to information overload. Sometimes it feels easier if I know I don't have to interact with other people and I can just keep this process to myself and move on. But that also feels kind of selfish?
In general neurotypical forums, I've often been given the advice to not say too much or overthink things. But it's just how my brain works. So I've stopped posting in those forums now. It's not that I don't want to figure out how to do the short reply thing, it's just that no-one's given me any advice yet other than "don't write too much" and that doesn't help. At my assessment, my psychologist said I am good at communication, but not good at reciprocal communication (still trying to process what that means.. I think I did lots of 'monologues' and not enough 'chats'). Anyway sometimes I wonder why I'm even on discussion boards in the first place. But I think there's a want, to be able to communicate reciprocally. I just can't figure it out, so I'm sorry in advance if I write too much or too little. This is the first time in life I've found a group of people I actually want to talk to and maybe feel safe being myself so maybe everything's coming out all at once. I hope this makes some kind of sense! Thank you for your patience.
Hi,
This really resonated with me, and I do this too.
It's more towards 'formal' things. Don't seem to have much issue when I'm talking to people I know and who know me, but otherwise I'm usually writing and re-rewriting everything. I always have to re-read everything too because I often completely miss the point by interpreting it wrong. Especially when it comes to work, trying to correctly articulate an email can seemingly take forever. Sometimes I just zone out entirely and start explaining it to myself in my head instead.
I can only speak for myself, but I have started getting my message ready and as soon as I start to feel that I am taking too much time and energy on it, I just make myself press send. If I later find out there was crossed wires or a misinterpretation then I'll deal with it then. Seems healthier than the exhausting process I subject myself to otherwise (working so far).
Apologies in advance if I misinterpreted any of your post, but I hope I have been of some help.
Sam
Thank you for your reply!
I do a lot of re-writing and re-reading too. It's infuriating sometimes, but I do get a sense of accomplishment when I've successfully completed something and it says more or less what I want it to. There might be a degree of perfectionism involved, but I think when you get misunderstood or misinterpreted quite a lot, it can make you extra worried about communicating the right thing. Happens more often with people we don't know or in formal occasions I think. You haven't misinterpreted my post though - in fact, your suggestion is a really good one!
Maybe you're right, I guess we don't always have to 'correct ourselves,' and sometimes it can save a lot of time and hassle just allowing other people to tell us if we've misinterpreted, so just go with our initial response, rather than trying to second guess what is required. Some people might be mean about it, but maybe the majority will be kind.
I am actually going to try your idea about making myself press send when I start to feel it's taking too much time. I think I usually get that feeling at some point. Like around now. It varies for each message. The trouble is, I often then don't know how to end something, but maybe I just need to say something like "thanks, that's it for now?"