Mum on the edge

Im glad that you took Ethan bowling, its important to try to do the things that Ethan enjoys.

On the subject of judgemental people, to me, it is so sad that people cannot see beneath the exterior; and thats not just for people with a disability. I value difference but most people think that we should conform to their norm! Whos to say what the norm is? I was overweight for 45 years and suffered apallingly for all of those miserable unhappy years, why? because my body did not conform to the norm; of course, this is driven mainly by the media and fashion houses who all think that the norm should be a body like a coat hanger. Anyway my point is that I suffered so much, I had a gastric bypass operation just to become less visible to the majority of the population who assumed that I sat on my backside all day, munching on everything in sight. I dont feel any happier inside now than I did when I was 22 stone but I just love being able to become invisible and being able to walk the streets without people staring and making horrible comments (of course they were just loud enough for me to hear).

People who have a child with autism cant have a magic operation or disappear into the background and it hurts when people stare, point or make abusive comments but I found the best way to deal with this sort of behaviour was to grin right back at them and laugh loudly, they thought I was mad but it did seem to put them off of their stride a little; sometimes I think people act in this way because it gives them pleasure to hurt others, if that is the norm, I dont want any part of it.

At 3 years old, Ethan is developing and passing through difficult stages that all children face. Tantrums are common at this age; my guess is that as Ethan gets a little older, things will become less stressful for you and for him so hang on in there, you are obviously a good and loving mum and this will reap benifits in the end. My son can become very stressed and act just as Ethan does the only difference is that he is 30 but one thing I do know is that he loves me and I love him. Tantrums come and go but love stays forever.

Just take care. XXX

Thank you for your posts. It is nice to know that others out there are going through the same thing. We just took, Ethan, our son, out bowling for first time, other than a few tantrums it was a successful trip except the family on the adjoining lane where moaning and commenting and sighing and some time I wish there was a badge I could wear that says yes he is tall, yes he is having a tantrum, but he is 3, just, and has autism stop starring. But on the other hand I just wish people would judge. It ruins what could have been a great step for us. Xxxxx

Oh how I know what you are going through.

My son is now 30 years old and I can well remember the situation that you are talking about. If I can say one thing to you in support, it is that you know your son best and you know that he is not just being naughty. In my own experience, naughty steps, taking away priviledges or denying treats never worked for my son; the amount of times that I returned him to his bedroom as he wouldnt remain there. If I tried to take away favourite toys as a "punishment" he just used to give them to me before I asked or he threw them out of his window. Believe me, I tried everything.

I was at a disadvantage because even though I knew that my son was different, Autism was not really recognised then as it is today so I have waited 30 years for a diagnosis! The diagnosis is not really important to me because I value my son as an individual and dont really go for labels but diagnosis does open doors of support.

Like you, I have had everyone judge my parenting skills through ignorance and even my closest family judged me and never offered any support as I was just spoiling him or had no ability to control him; even my own GP told me it was my fault as I was giving off "bad vibrations" what ever that meant!

Anyway, if you just want to rant to someone who understands, please do. We all need an outlet.

Just remember we can only ever do our best as parents or people and if others judge, it is they who have a problem. Its hard to enjoy the naughty times but just cherish the times you get that smile or cuddle, it is those times that are important, not the behaviours.

Please let me know how you are doing.

Hi Livlix + Alfie - do you know why your child's behaviour's deteriorated?  That's the key to improving things.  Yes, some others are very judgemental.  Something we can absolutely do without.  Most people don't understand.  Worse when they are family members or friends.  Very hurtful.  The important thing, though, is to work out why something's happening.  Changes in routine?  Sensory overload?  Trying to reason with your child as if they didn't have autism (doomed to failure + making things worse).  We need to be able to understand our own child + how autism affects him or her.  With that understanding comes an empathy.  Then we don't get angry or upset.  Just sympathetic + wanting to help

I know how you feel the world seems to judge xxxx