Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a married woman with Aspergers and I will use NT in this post even though I dislike that label but it is convenient..I have never posted before and this is long so don't feel obliged to read on. I feel Aspergers partners are always classed as something NTs have to 'suffer' and this is wrong.
I am always calm and rational. I find my NT partner gets easily hyped up, stressed, impatient, worried, irritable and irrational. I find him hard work a lot of the time. I am not confused by him. I am also not cold or lacking in empathy. I have a PhD in science but also work as a therapist and enjoy painting and playing several instruments. I adore my children and am physically and verbally affectionate with my children and husband,. My husband and I deeply love each other. But I don't fit the stereotype of someone with Asoergers as being easily upset and inflexible. I have had to teach myself how to respond appropriately verbally and gesturally. I almost never get anxious and I genuinely don't feel awe or impressed by much so never get intimidated by other people. My husband gets frustrated that he can tell me about something he finds impressive and I respond with 'that's nice but why is it impressive?'. I am not arrogant, I know everyone can do things I can't or they have talents I don't. I just don't relate to anyone or belong anywhere. I know how to be sociable and 'work's the room but feel it's a job (one I enjoy but I am very tired and glad to go home like a satisfying but exhausting day at work).
I am very honest and direct and I don't get embarrassed so can be uninhibited but I know how to be polite and I know when to be inhibited as I know what NTs find embarrassing..I also have a witty sense of humour and am fun loving. I am not a sstereotype.i know NTs find my humour and lack of inhibition entertaining andi sometimes play on that to make friends laugh but I am aware.
I follow buddhism and meditate each day. Reading the Buddhist texts gives me a sense of connection I dont feel anywhere else. I feel like an alien. But I am saddened that Aspergers is always seen as the problem in relationships. Personally I find NT individuals generally emotionally chaotic and reactive and I am frequently having to step back, 'rise above it's. Not to sound patronising to NTs but when I watch the news it's like the whole world is irrational and narcissistic.
So when all these NTs find living with Aspergers is difficult and I find nothing but negativity on Google, this leaves me feeling extremely misunderstood and isolated. I feel Aspegers has made me gifted and clear thinking. My friends say I am the calmest person they know. I am stubborn and if I'm working on something can put off eating and sleeping until it's done. I am also controlling about order and germs and about how things should be done. But I am politically liberal, open minded and tolerant. I am not perfect but I'm not something that needs fixing.
Aspergers is misrepresented in articles.on couples where one person has Asoergers. I think I am a catch as much as my husband is. I am not grateful somebody is 'putting up' with me. I am mostly a good person and loving partner.. I am grateful I met my lovely husband because he is lovely but we are equals.
My boyfriend asked me out by text. Much easier for both of us - he didn't have to approach me in person, and I had time to think about the pros and cons before responding.
I'm dumb and rarely got lucky.
Yes that is my understanding.
I thought it was all ASD now and Asperger's has been ditched as a label (for the newly diagnosed at least)? From my reading and understanding, Asperger's was always just a subset anyway - which would explain why they don't use it now- and the S in ASD is Spectrum after all.
Confused though are we on about Asperger's or ASD now since ASD is a hole different spectrum on its own but then again why bother getting into the sub catohrise since everyone on here seems to refer to them selves as ASD anyway but actually ASD Is the most servia form of autism rather than a generic term to round up aautisum hence why I have an issue with it being catorgorised as the same as autism
This is also a fear shared by NTs. The fact you don't drink is an attractive quality. Maybe a dating app is less confrontational. Keep focusing on your positive attributes
I lack that confidence too some how if ever have any luck with a woman it's usually down to dumb luck when I least exspect it.
And also of you look on this site they refer to all the catorgys of autism too when looking in the guidance. Personally I got issue with refering to the fact I'm ASD cause I am and accept it. And yeah I have server anxiety and depression just choose not to exspress it all the time and manage it definitely by trying to concor it rather than become it.
I have Asperger's - I'm Old-School whenever it comes to classification - and never had the confidence to ask a woman out. Plus, I don't drink; another obstacle.
Partly why I don't like to pegion hold as just Autistic and rather say I'm ASD or what ever so people realise where I am along the spectrum so I'm not sterotyped. Or just veiwed as another TV character with sterotipical traits of autism. Even though I guess there's no such thing as sterotypes when it comes to autism as not one of us is the same anyway. But yeah TV does piss me off on how it portrays us to all be the same way inclined. Even if I do like some of the shows and can relate a bit to them at least. I did like A Typical tbf that was pretty good.
No recently and they still had it down my assessment they even mentioned the fact I wasn't Asperger's but was definitely ASD can assure you on the assessments they still use the phrases as I was assessed last year. I don't see it bothers people anyway as I'd rather refer to myself as ASD as it was how I was I was assessed and that was on the NHS
Yes thank you :) It's infuriating that Asperger's is so often represented as something NT partner's have to 'put up with'. Partners have got to learn to understand each other whether or not they are NT or have Asperger's.
And it has been disheartening seeing so many articles and comments about how hard it is being with someone with ASD.
Yes, autism is sometimes very misunderstood and misrepresented when talked or written about from an non autistic person’s perspective.
Hopefully you feel understood and find this forum useful.
I’m currently seeking a diagnosis but am quite reassured that how you’ve described yourself is very similar to how I would describe myself. I feel like my wife and her family have judged me in their NT-world, which in many ways seems non-sensical to me, and are now struggling when I’m saying I legitimately see the world differently. And it has been disheartening seeing so many articles and comments about how hard it is being with someone with ASD. I think I could be a very easy partner to get along with, so long as I feel supported too. Doesn’t seem too much to ask!
I loved your honest post and agree with you on pretty much everything.
ASD is very much misrepresented and I am very careful about who I "come out" to now I know I am autistic. My wife knows and is very supportive. Even though she is NT, she has quite bad health anxiety which has got a lot worse during the pandemic. We are a perfect support for each other and my revelation about ASD has made our relationship deeper.
I can be very calm when she is panicking and can mostly talk her down with logic and reasoning (brandy helps too). She now knows what triggers my anxiety and why I can seem very rude (which in the past has put her in a very bad mood) and we can take steps to avoid situations where I might have a problem.
Unfortunately the wider population are largely unaware of the positives of ASD as it seems to only be the negatives that the press focus upon. Having a few high profile people come out about their ASD has helped but they only ever seem to have one headline or TV program then it drops from view again.
'Different, not less', is the usual mantra.
If any of my friends an acquaintances were asked, they would probably say that I am one of the calmest people they know. Only my family and very closest friends know that I sometimes suffer from crippling anxiety. Like you, I have a science PhD, and I spent 34 years in biomedical research. I was a very good bench scientist, my autism helped, I was able to hyper-focus, employ lateral thinking to solve problems and had an eye for details others missed. However, my autism also limited me, I had the intellect to become a professor, but my social limitations, and the lack of confidence I had as a result, meant that I remained a bench scientist throughout my career. Autism gives and takes away, autistic people live lives that are limited by their neurology, but this can be to a greater or lesser extent.
I have been married for 25 years and have two children. I think that, on the whole, I am a good partner and parent. I am caring, stable, loyal and generous by nature. I do not think that my family have been burdened by me in any meaningful way. However, they may have had a more intensely sociable life, if not for my need for solitude in order to recover from the exhaustion that social interactions at work brought on.
I find I have no need for any organised spiritual system. I have a deep distrust of them and the intolerance they so often induce. They have inflicted needless strife, wars, suffering, death and destruction on humanity for millennia.
Everything you said I aggree with because I see the same on the internet and even though I am Autistic have a decent amount of tolerance with the world. I hate seeing the programs and articles where it says how difficult it is to date or be friends with someone with Autism or ASD. I find they are very steriotypical and people make money off of programs like this, by acting out a life they do not understand. We are so capable of anything we can set our minds to but as soon as someone knows we are Autistic/ on the spectrum we are pictured differently - our whole image becomes just that we may be Autistic. When I am at school, I am extremely whitty and sometimes don't know when to stop but at home I am setteled and don't feel the need to be so crazy like I am at school. Being my whitty self can sometimes be my discuise and I don't even realise it. I don't always experience Autism serverely but sometimes it will spike like many people who are on the spectrum. once we recive a diagnosis we are sometimes separated from the NT's and the fact that there are the words 'Neurotypical' and 'Neurodiverse' divide us as if we come from a different universe. Sometimes I can come on too strong and struggle to balence things at school and do actually worry if I am 'too much' for people.
I love how you are a Buddhist - I look up to that because meditating everyday and having that to focus on is really good and I wish I could get myself into that routine of meditation each day.
If the word Autism is mentioned around an NT, it almost goes into their minds as it's bad luck and a difficulty, incapabuility, and disabuility - it is not.
Thank you for making this post, it made me feel like I'm not alone because I can relate to a lot of your post.
Since 2013 in the UK people are no longer diagnosed as having Asperger's syndrome. Were you diagnosed a long time ago or is it just something you feel fits you?
I partly agree with your sentiment, that people with ASD aren't always a problem. It is good that there is some positive/defensive sentiment going against the tidal wave, so thank you for that. But the problem we all face is we are the minority. We are the aberration. You can't get away from that and so it is always going to be seen in mainstream press, blogs, social media platforms etc. from perspective of how it is for normies to deal with us. On top of that, it seems from the data that the minority of ASDs are in long term relationships, minority in employment etc. So there is a substantive issue here. Your personal story is not common. We have to accept it but at the same time fight for our tribe. Difficult balance. Again, thank you for taking the other side, not many people do.
I have been to Tibet and became very interested in that form of Buddhism. I decided against going any further though because the Dalai Llama has clearly expressed on multiple occasions his dissatisfaction with Westerners converting to Buddhism. Follow the leader...
A lot of the rest of your post resonated with me though, so you will soon find you are not alone. One thing that really didn't though was your lack of anxiety - lucky you!!! I always thought anxiety was almost a central part of ASD, so you are incredibly lucky because this is one of the hardest parts of ASD for me and the one that causes depression, missed life experiences, and fewer career opportunities than I would otherwise have had.
Some of the nicest people I know are Asperger's but yeah there's definitely a lack of understanding for it. Along with ASD too. A typical and high functioning autism seem to have the most aweness. Sure someone will correct me and tell me I'm wrong but that's the way I've always seen it.