Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I hope this is the right forum but I was looking for some support on understanding my new partner of 6mths
We meet regularly, primarily around their hectic schedule and recently I have started to -
— understand that things I would like us to do together may not happen, they show interest in wanting to do some of the things I suggest but it never happens. This is not something I cannot deal with as I have a social network myself to do these things with, but I was starting to take it personally, that they were not interested in doing these things with me. Or visiting my home or prioritising me over their usual activities.
after some conversation I am starting to understand that maybe planning outside of our usual routine simply may be difficult and it’s not about avoiding doing those things with me, but about finding it hard to prioritise the needs of someone else ahead of them self and/or finding it hard to consider something outside a usual routine and/or understanding what might be important to me. I am finding peace with that.
— understand that sometimes not being able to sit with me because this interrupts a usual habit again, is not an avoidance of me but a “need” to have to stick to routine and habits. This made me feel hurt on a couple of occasions but I think I am understanding it better now. I also am non intrusive or demanding in or outside his company and we are respectful of each other’s lives and boundaries.
I want to maintain this relationship because he is a kind and loving person who accepts me for who I am and vice versa and our time together is lovely. I also am independent and do not need to be in a relationship where we are by each other’s side doing everything together 24/7, but it is also difficult for me to sometimes not take personally how they may react to me and to feel I am valued, although he clearly behaves and states he cares for me. My point being that it is also an adjustment for me to accept some of the things I would like us to do together may never happen. Although we do enjoy what we do do together. I also am beginning to feel that if he has chosen to spend so much time with me despite the fact he finds socialising difficult, says a lot.
I am sorry that is all so long and doesn’t really make the point of what I am looking for in reply. I guess I would like to know what to expect and also to feel supported at times I may feel frustrated or confused by their behaviour. Much as I know he cares for me I also feel he probably would not miss me if I never saw him again and that can be difficult to accept (albeit I am making assumptions).
I am interested to know how other people navigate the differences in communication and comprehension and missing someone when you maybe cannot see them as much as you would like to because of their set routines.
if you managed to read and digest that, Thankyou
Hi, 89. You might find this article useful. https://www.everydayhealth.com/aspergers/coping-with-a-partners-aspergers-syndrome.aspx
Actually - I'm not sure I give good advice - maybe the right person will be all over you - I don't know - I'm stupid!!
Hi HJM, yes they do and show affection and we relate well. I agree that while it would be nice to do some other things together, it’s not essential because we also live independent lives and what you have said is how I am feeling now. For me I think I didn’t fully understand that his emotional responses are not anything personal about me but are that he doesn’t necessarily pick up on the cues or understand how something may make me feel. But I am getting to understand that better now and the things I may find difficult are manageable and becoming more understandable. How you have summed it up is relatable which helps. Thankyou
Do they smile at you much? I always think that's a start. I'm willing to be a small part of my partners life - and I'm not fussed about doing fancy things with them - just as long as I have some contact!!
My non-autistic wife has similar issues with me.
NAS74689 said:I also am beginning to feel that if he has chosen to spend so much time with me despite the fact he finds socialising difficult, says a lot.
This. Very true for me.
I love my wife, and enjoy spending time with her... just not all the time. It takes a lot of effort for me to interact with people - even my wife after 20 years (albeit less effort to spend time with wifey compared to anyone else on the planet).
It's totally worth the effort, but I *need* a significant amount of time to myself to recover from socialising.
NAS74689 said:understand that things I would like us to do together may not happen, they show interest in wanting to do some of the things I suggest but it never happens
In therapy years past (prior to my autism self-diagnosis), it was a frequent complaint from her that she had to organsise everything. I usually end up implementing stuff, but she has to drive it or it wont happen.
I struggle a lot with Demand Avoidance. I kind of work it along the lines of "if you want us to do X, then you drive it and I will assist/follow/participate". It's a reciprocal thing - if I really want to do something together, I will organise... it's not really fair on her though since I never have the energy left to want to do anything after doing all her things!
EG: She really likes festivals (Glastonbury etc.) - I would rather pitch a tent in the backyard with a large bag of weed. When she has booked festivals in the past, I've been an enthusiastic participant, booked & driven the campervan and actually enjoyed myself on the whole... but I would never suggest or push for it myself.
So it may be worth picking your battles - for things that you really want to do he may be willing to push outside his comfort zone... especially if you talk to him about how to mitigate the issues he has with that "battle"...
EG: I insist on campervan or glamping for festivals so I have a safe, private space to retire to when I get overloaded. We have also worked out that I am a lot more comfortable if I know I can retire to my space whenever I want... so she knows that when I say "I need to go now", it's important to just let me go without fuss to avoid risk of meltdown.
It would be useful to clarify which of the two of you, or both, is/are on the autistic spectrum.
Hi, yes and it was helpful in helping me understand a bit more. I don’t say it all because I am trying to find the balance between being understanding and also meeting my own needs and at the moment I can be flexible to their needs. Maybe I need to say a bit more, just about how I feel about doing things together. I think that is the bit I would be interested to know how other people have approached. Thankyou :-)
Hi,
Hello 89. Have you discussed any of this with your partner? If so, how did they respond?