Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
Well the subject took a long time but here I am.
I am 32 and I haven't stopped crying all day. One of my support mechanisms failed me and I lost about three days to the same thought "why isnt he calling me!? He calls me everyday!" My emotional well being is not his responsibility and yet he is a part of it. So for three days I sent many many messages explaining how a simple phone call could change the world.
People for years have been telling me that they think I have Asperger's Syndrome and I would reply "we share traits but I don't think I am"... how foolish I have been. I didn't want to lose this friend like all the rest, he really is good to me, but I was hurting him with my... behavior. So, perhaps for the first time in my life I had to work out what I was doing wrong. Ive always been out of sync with others... I really don't want to go into that right now but I suppose an example is "my uncle died the other day, it was only a month ago he started forgetting his wifes name" "well that sounds like a good death, his mind and body went at the same time"... apparently this is insensitive.
I like the anonymity here, really helps.
So i looked through the eyes of what ive always referred to as the "emotional, irrational people" and pooled all of the input i can remember from then and researched hard... and this is what ive come up with, something my professional has been saying for a while now but i think i didnt want to hear it. my personality has formed through my strife with understanding others and to admit, what i perceived to be a weakness, was hard for me... but im glad i did.
So many memories that i dont revist because they were designated "painful and incalculable" just came rushing back to me and finally started to slot in all the right places, trips to the beach where i was forced to take my socks off, the fact that i cant get within 2 metres of someone if i dont like their smell (again, insensitive apparently), screaming as a child as my mum would try to put sunblock on me and her still persisting, i once had emotional breakdown because my mum was going to change her hair colour to red (i didnt even like the woman)... theres just so much...
but i feel good now. As i was looking for support at my professionals request, i came across this paragraph "Self diagnosis or self-identification is achieved through the hard work of figuring out who you are. It doesn’t tend to happen in a vacuum but off the back of a traumatic or stressful event that has blown apart your coping mechanisms. So you’re dealing with the fallout of that as well. When you manage to work through it all, that’s when the growth happens. No-one else can do that for you and it’s something to be proud of."
This just somes it up perfectly and really touched me... why is this yellow now? Whatever.
Anyway, the yellows annoying so im gonna go. Hello everyone.
The yellow has gone.
in summary you have psychosis but think you may be autistic --- isnt that correct ?
are you currently getting talking treatment from any psychologists/theraptists ?
give me a name ( make it up ) i can call u please
Basically I went from psychology to psychiatry over and over again but each time with the same person, backwards and forwards until finally the psychiatrist slapped "odd behavior" on me and medicated me for it. From my research it looks like anti-psychotics are a form of treatment for the old diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (i have to learn the up to date way of talking). Now I deal with another Psychologist who has been wanting to make a referral for the Autism test, which i thought was pointless, but i have a new psychiatrist appointment soon so i told the professional i would do it because I think it will finally give us all an answer.
Oh, and the name i'm using is my author name, Stephen [edited by moderator], if you like fantasy and want to know more about me and my friend, my characters are probably the best place for that. The Garden Kingdom, the D'jin Chronicles: Book 1. It's an e-book on amazon. I'm just getting through the second.
Oh, and there's an editing process so the writing is not as bad as this.
Edited by Anna Mod
i think if a psychologist suggests u go for a autism assessment that would be a very good idea.
It all depends on how strong your psychosis is i guess
"Adele M" who was here until recently had autism and psychosis as well but her psychosis was temporarily caused by child birth and she pulled out of it reasonably well.
i shall look you up in Amazon when i next get the chance
so is your psychosis considered to be strong ?
how does it affect you ?
talk again
aidie
BTW u dont have to answer any of my questions
Ill add to that tomorrow. I think it will be important to document it even if its just for myself. Thank you again.
See, i told the psychiatrist that i lose time... "odd behaviour"... now at least i kn0ow what it is. thanks.
i know ! autistic shutdowns are almost secret !
yet they are happening everywhere
i created a collection of "people here experiences" to show the range of shutdowns.
they are in this discussion.
community.autism.org.uk/.../autistic-shutdowns-collection---do-you-experience-these
right. i am going to try and explain what just happened.
i watched those videos with my hand over my mouth, the comprehension... tangible.
i then i tried to respond.. its still happening... ok, i tried to respond and i felt it coming "the daydream" the fricking DAYDREAM! thats what my mum always told me it was. i am so angry right now. lol
the whole process is there, and looking now it has taken me 20 mins to pull my *** together. this isnt even the "naps" i was talking about. i ddint even know this was a thing. fricking DAYDREAM! i feel so let down right now. HOW...grrr!?
So, thats a shutdown. thank you, aidie. this has been most insightful. sometimes when im talking to people and there has been a lot of information i go down to about 10% bandwidth, other times...
this has been so revealing. thank you.
okay. i cant believe that actually just happened.
give me a moment
I..
thats an overload
here are 2 videos of 2 separate "go to sleep" type shutdowns
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3HQmfwoZQQ
www.youtube.com/watch
OMG! I do it when i have an overload of frustration and when im waiting for something out of my control! i would just refer to them as anger naps!
Wow.
Insightful, thank you.
i would say you naps are actually autistic shutdowns
Good, so it looks like exposure and practice are working for you.
I used to put way more effort in to social situations but it was soooo much. so much information and calculation, i would have to nap at least twice a day and then spend all night up just to have the time that i needed to get through... my... routine. hmm.
didnt realise that until just now. lol. its so weird the things that are missed. I was just called lazy and depressed as a child but there was so much more going on.
this is good. i like this place.
my main issues where
working with other people at work eg my managers and other colleagues ----
also i found all social events very uncomfortable
i had a daily shutdown
anxiety and depression (mild episodes )
but over last 3-4 years i am gradually getting better
How about you anyway? What struggles do you cope with?... That sentence doesnt seem right but i think youll get it.
My mum had BPD (or Emotional Unstable Disorder as I think its now called).
My senses are 120% all the time. I knew that was different to people, so much so that I added it to a character in my book. Sense of smell especially. people beeping on the road, its like i'm being attacked.
Routine and obsession, shown by my behavior with my friend and also my profile pic... Naruto! Pokemon! Sword Art! Most Anime to be honest.
Stop mumbling you little freak!... speech patterns and volume are a bit off.
My facial expressions seem to be limited to content or confused. lol.
I cannot fathom some of things that people do and say to each other... and then seem fine. Also watching them do the same thing expecting a different result, ver confusing. And how do they know when its okay to touch each other? so much...
There are some things... i started writing this sentence and then answered a text, forgotten what i was going to write. lol. Thatll do for now.
so what autism traits do u experience ?
are any other members of your family autistic or ADHD ?
it feels counter productive because i work so hard for the bond but I know what you mean in theory.
I could do it if i decide to do it... not so much if its forced upon me.
lucky him
but always leave space
in fact
one of best things to do in a relationship is to be apart for a week
do u think u could do that ?
sounds... uncomfortable, but i know it was just an example.
i treat him all the time. i have an idea of what a good friend is and i just stay the course. listening, treating, asking if something they mentioned is important to them and then doing the thing. Some people cant handle the amount of attention that i put on them coz they're not used to it, like its an invasion of their privacy... but i am just trying to understand.
u missed him and now hes back isnt that great --- take him for a treat eg the Cinema !
oh we're good. he was texting but not calling. stupid i know, but once a thought starts bouncing around in there it would take a drill to get it out.
but thanks for the support. it feels weird but i guess thats what im here for. lol.
has he still not contacted you....... can u contact him ? he might be ill
He is kind, emotionally unavailable and appreciates a good silence... perfect.
We game together, anime and he's obsessed with family history.
id ask you a question about your likes but they seem to be listed already, which limits my conversation scope here. lol.
yes it did
I worked it out. lol
can you send a message for me to reply to, please. Your name doesnt come up on my recipient list.
i'll request friendship which u then accept. Then u can PM me.
Yeah, I've got some other ideas. I could never write non-fiction as, well, it already exist in the world. But i can write fiction based on reality instead. I was going to PM to see if you wanted a copy for free but for the life of me i cant work out where this "connect" button is. lol.
i am no expert in reading/books/literature
but to me your book represents an achievement of some sort that you can build on.
in short write another book but maybe try a different genre.
Do not listen to me when it comes to literature! I read one fiction book every year at best.
I've actually been thinking about my book since you found it.
Once i had completed the first draft i gave it to some people and they responded well, but one comment kept cropping up, "where are all of the physical descriptions?"
...huh?
So I went back through it, read it, and I'm thinking "everything you need is here". So i added hair colour to some characters, tried to give them some defining features (other than their actions) and left it at that. I could not comprehend what people were talking about.
But i get it now. It is written through my eyes and i cannot visually see those characters in my head, i write their... essence? actions? point of view?
I don't advertise the book because i have no drive for money, I have the things i need and I'm okay. It's art and I like to share it with people. So, if anyone on here reads it then I would like your perspectives, given that we all belong to the same community.
Thanks.
I know! And as I'm watching i'm thinking "yeah, but it doesn't take me this long to recover"... 20 mins later i can finally get a hold of my body again. I think these things have been missed even by my previous partners because i sound so sure of myself "i'm daydreaming, leave me alone"
Pre-autism realisation these "panic freezes" had me on sertraline for years.
It was uncanny as 50+ year old man seeing my exact behaviour displayed by teenage? girls (referring to videos posted by aidie above).
yes
is this your book ?
www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=sr_1_5
np