What do I put here? The subject is already introduction... skip it.


Well the subject took a long time but here I am.

I am 32 and I haven't stopped crying all day. One of my support mechanisms failed me and I lost about three days to the same thought "why isnt he calling me!? He calls me everyday!" My emotional well being is not his responsibility and yet he is a part of it. So for three days I sent many many messages explaining how a simple phone call could change the world.

People for years have been telling me that they think I have Asperger's Syndrome and I would reply "we share traits but I don't think I am"... how foolish I have been. I didn't want to lose this friend like all the rest, he really is good to me, but I was hurting him with my... behavior. So, perhaps for the first time in my life I had to work out what I was doing wrong. Ive always been out of sync with others... I really don't want to go into that right now but I suppose an example is "my uncle died the other day, it was only a month ago he started forgetting his wifes name" "well that sounds like a good death, his mind and body went at the same time"... apparently this is insensitive.

I like the anonymity here, really helps. 

So i looked through the eyes of what ive always referred to as the "emotional, irrational people" and pooled all of the input i can remember from then and researched hard... and this is what ive come up with, something my professional has been saying for a while now but i think i didnt want to hear it. my personality has formed through my strife with understanding others and to admit, what i perceived to be a weakness, was hard for me... but im glad i did.

So many memories that i dont revist because they were designated "painful and incalculable" just came rushing back to me and finally started to slot in all the right places, trips to the beach where i was forced to take my socks off, the fact that i cant get within 2 metres of someone if i dont like their smell (again, insensitive apparently), screaming as a child as my mum would try to put sunblock on me and her still persisting, i once had emotional breakdown because my mum was going to change her hair colour to red (i didnt even like the woman)... theres just so much...

but i feel good now. As i was looking for support at my professionals request, i came across this paragraph "Self diagnosis or self-identification is achieved through the hard work of figuring out who you are. It doesn’t tend to happen in a vacuum but off the back of a traumatic or stressful event that has blown apart your coping mechanisms. So you’re dealing with the fallout of that as well. When you manage to work through it all, that’s when the growth happens. No-one else can do that for you and it’s something to be proud of." 

This just somes it up perfectly and really touched me... why is this yellow now? Whatever.

Anyway, the yellows annoying so im gonna go. Hello everyone.

The yellow has gone. Slight smile