Published on 12, July, 2020
Well the subject took a long time but here I am.
I am 32 and I haven't stopped crying all day. One of my support mechanisms failed me and I lost about three days to the same thought "why isnt he calling me!? He calls me everyday!" My emotional well being is not his responsibility and yet he is a part of it. So for three days I sent many many messages explaining how a simple phone call could change the world.
People for years have been telling me that they think I have Asperger's Syndrome and I would reply "we share traits but I don't think I am"... how foolish I have been. I didn't want to lose this friend like all the rest, he really is good to me, but I was hurting him with my... behavior. So, perhaps for the first time in my life I had to work out what I was doing wrong. Ive always been out of sync with others... I really don't want to go into that right now but I suppose an example is "my uncle died the other day, it was only a month ago he started forgetting his wifes name" "well that sounds like a good death, his mind and body went at the same time"... apparently this is insensitive.
I like the anonymity here, really helps.
So i looked through the eyes of what ive always referred to as the "emotional, irrational people" and pooled all of the input i can remember from then and researched hard... and this is what ive come up with, something my professional has been saying for a while now but i think i didnt want to hear it. my personality has formed through my strife with understanding others and to admit, what i perceived to be a weakness, was hard for me... but im glad i did.
So many memories that i dont revist because they were designated "painful and incalculable" just came rushing back to me and finally started to slot in all the right places, trips to the beach where i was forced to take my socks off, the fact that i cant get within 2 metres of someone if i dont like their smell (again, insensitive apparently), screaming as a child as my mum would try to put sunblock on me and her still persisting, i once had emotional breakdown because my mum was going to change her hair colour to red (i didnt even like the woman)... theres just so much...
but i feel good now. As i was looking for support at my professionals request, i came across this paragraph "Self diagnosis or self-identification is achieved through the hard work of figuring out who you are. It doesn’t tend to happen in a vacuum but off the back of a traumatic or stressful event that has blown apart your coping mechanisms. So you’re dealing with the fallout of that as well. When you manage to work through it all, that’s when the growth happens. No-one else can do that for you and it’s something to be proud of."
This just somes it up perfectly and really touched me... why is this yellow now? Whatever.
Anyway, the yellows annoying so im gonna go. Hello everyone.
The yellow has gone.
Pre-autism realisation these "panic freezes" had me on sertraline for years.
It was uncanny as 50+ year old man seeing my exact behaviour displayed by teenage? girls (referring to videos posted…
the odder u are, the better
My friend... we've been through a lot together and is about the only person that appreciates my... thought processes.
in summary you have psychosis but think you may be autistic --- isnt that correct ?
are you currently getting talking treatment from any psychologists/theraptists ?
give me a name ( make it up ) i can call u please
Basically I went from psychology to psychiatry over and over again but each time with the same person, backwards and forwards until finally the psychiatrist slapped "odd behavior" on me and medicated me for it. From my research it looks like anti-psychotics are a form of treatment for the old diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (i have to learn the up to date way of talking). Now I deal with another Psychologist who has been wanting to make a referral for the Autism test, which i thought was pointless, but i have a new psychiatrist appointment soon so i told the professional i would do it because I think it will finally give us all an answer.
Oh, and the name i'm using is my author name, Stephen [edited by moderator], if you like fantasy and want to know more about me and my friend, my characters are probably the best place for that. The Garden Kingdom, the D'jin Chronicles: Book 1. It's an e-book on amazon. I'm just getting through the second.
Oh, and there's an editing process so the writing is not as bad as this.
Edited by Anna Mod
i think if a psychologist suggests u go for a autism assessment that would be a very good idea.
It all depends on how strong your psychosis is i guess
"Adele M" who was here until recently had autism and psychosis as well but her psychosis was temporarily caused by child birth and she pulled out of it reasonably well.
i shall look you up in Amazon when i next get the chance
so is your psychosis considered to be strong ?
how does it affect you ?
BTW u dont have to answer any of my questions
aidie said:BTW u dont have to answer any of my questions
This confuses me, it would imply that I felt I did have to, but I haven't read anywhere that all posts should be responded to. Your niceties will just slow this process down.
I don't think it is psychosis, to be honest, i think that what i have told them has been misinterpreted and misunderstood... although i do catch sight of a goblin thing in my vent sometimes... he/she seems implausible to others.
definitely go for autism diagnosis then I say ..... dont u agree ?
I agree. It would only be for others benefit really, the professional says it might help them understand certain ways that I have and try to be more patient/less offended.
I know who I am but this knowledge has helped resolve some past questions and may help with things in the future, kinda takes the pressure off with the feeling of missing something in peoples interactions, i suppose it makes me resent them a little less as well. Although the confusion of "ill be there in a minute" and then turning up in fifteen, will always be prevalent.
So i'm proud to be a part of this community, finally. For the first time i feel like i have something of my own to fight for, like its not just me against the world. Whether some feel like i need an official diagnosis matters not to me, ive seen the lack of real commitment to their role in many a psychologist and psychiatrist. WE have problems with eye contact? Stop staring at your screen while I'm talking to you! Everything gets filtered through their personal perceptions and we are not on the same wavelength. The trouble understanding works both ways and is something that needs to be addressed.
I've just become hungry, im gonna stop before this turns into a rant. lol.
tell me about your friend
He is kind, emotionally unavailable and appreciates a good silence... perfect.
We game together, anime and he's obsessed with family history.
id ask you a question about your likes but they seem to be listed already, which limits my conversation scope here. lol.
has he still not contacted you....... can u contact him ? he might be ill
oh we're good. he was texting but not calling. stupid i know, but once a thought starts bouncing around in there it would take a drill to get it out.
but thanks for the support. it feels weird but i guess thats what im here for. lol.
u missed him and now hes back isnt that great --- take him for a treat eg the Cinema !
sounds... uncomfortable, but i know it was just an example.
i treat him all the time. i have an idea of what a good friend is and i just stay the course. listening, treating, asking if something they mentioned is important to them and then doing the thing. Some people cant handle the amount of attention that i put on them coz they're not used to it, like its an invasion of their privacy... but i am just trying to understand.