Newbie in need of advice

I don't have children but what Mum of 3 says sounds valuable.

I think part of the problem (with either apathy or agression) is not being able to categorize or name what is happening with oneself. And if the person has no good categories (typically these are words, but can be other symbols too) for emotions or moods, then they can't see the "pattern" behind all of it. By pattern I mean "A causes B", "misunderstanding causes frustration", "silence causes calmness", etc.

So in my (layperson's!) opinion, maybe you could help him by putting "obvious things" into words (or into his symbols)? That might make it easier for him to see the pattern what frustrates and what calms hi.

I have seen that with an autistic couple, they are always over-explicit, and it works well. They state their own current mood (tired, energetic, frustrated, distracted, etc), they repeat back what they thought that the other one meant, they calmly spell out what they expect in the household, etc.

In this context -- I saw a documentary about someone whose only speech was quotes from his favorite movies. I don't know anything about him (!), but I was wondering whether each scene maybe puts him in a certain mood (not necessarily the obvious one), and by quoting a scene, he tries to convey the mood he is in, or, the mood he wants to be in? This would be difficult to find out, because he might interpret movie scenes in his own way (say "this scene is happy because the colors match" or "this seen is frustrating because it has many cuts").

In any case, mood-related movie quotes is an example of what I mean above by "other symbols" for moods.

Feel free to contradict me, I'm merely brainstorming and I am not claiming that this is a fact.

Hi Amy,

Thank you for your post as a newbie - am also new as well as this is my first volunteer shift as a moderator!

To find out if your son/daughter has autism/Asperger's syndrome they would needto go for a formal diagnostic assessment. This section provides further informationon getting a diagnosis:

www.autism.org.uk/.../all-about-diagnosis.aspx

You may also want to look at our section that provides advice for parents, relatives and carers of people with autism.

www.autism.org.uk/.../parents-relatives-and-carers.aspx

Best,

Yousif 

Hi Amy 

Thanks for your words of advice. You are a very brave girl and I am inspired by your strength. Thank you for helping me see things through my sons eyes. I know it's never easy x x x 

Hi I just wanted to thank you for your kind words of advice. You have helped us see that we are not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. We will read the book you recommended and are going to invest in a punch bag. We do realise that our reactions can also make the situation worse but sometimes the frustration is overwhelming and a deep breath is needed. Picking battles is a challenge but needs to be done. Thank you so much x 

Hello, as someone with Autism maybe I can understand things more from what he is thinking and offer some help.

Firstly, I think it is really good that you know he is feeing frustrated and angry. One of my biggest problems is communicating how I feel-partiqually offline. So, for you to already know is a very big first step.

What I would say now is give him a way to show he is angry or upset. If only I had this sooner I would not have the problem's I have now. So, giving him a good way to let the anger out is important. Not sure exactly what this could be but it could be anything from something voilent (but controlled so it is safe) or something that he enjoys doing which will calm him down. Just make sure that whatever it is it is availible everywhere-so he can use it any time he feels angry or frustrated. For example I now carry lego wherver I go, and I am working on using it any time I get upset to help calm me down (but it is hard because it is not 'normal' for 17 year old girls to suddenly start playing with lego all the time and I am scared of being further judged or bullied because of it. So this maybe be something for you to think about to make sure whatver you try can be done everywhere. 

Dealing with the problem now at the start when it is small is best. I know myself that I have always had problems with saying if I am upset, angry, sad or anything else. And now it is got out of controll because I have no way to say how I feel and to deal with it. I can not say enough how good it is that you know how he feels and how important it is to find a way to help him always say how he feels. 

Hope this helps
Amy  

just listen and return his expectations  and once he has your trust again, speak to him in a quiet fashion with respect, he will then respect you and agree more with you..

PS if that does not work, it is a teenager rebel stage or his autism is based on fear, anxiety and express in anger..