Masking - Open

I used to be quite a heavy masker until I burned out... it led to low self-esteem and identity confusion. I wish we didn't have to do it. Although I do it automatically out of fear.

I find it hard I've had self identity issues for as long as I can remember I never knew why until I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago and it all makes sense but it's strange I can't always help it I don't know about anyone else but for me it's turned into an automatic defence mechanism I get burnt out all the time. I went and got my haircut today for the first time six months I didn't realise until I got home how much I masked whilst I was out and I've been barley been able to speak and stay awake I'm so burnt out. 

Yeah it burns me out as well. When I'm around people I don't know well, I tend to go into charming/people-pleasing mode as a defence mechanism, and say things I don't even mean, just out of fear of bullying lol

My aunt-in-law was a senior nurse forty years ago. She is Pollyanna. But I need to play it cool.

Thank you!

That sounds awesome, good luck with your coding career!

Yes exactly! I had an argument with my grandparents about work and money they are old school I think, they just say you need to do what ever you can where you can get the most money. For me I just don't care about money I understand perfectly the utility of money and the benefit and help it provides but I would rather do something I enjoy for the rest of my and enough money to pay for my life than have 100s of thousands or millions and do something I hate.

Luckily I think I'm going to start a coding course and try and get a career in that I managed to get myself a weeks worth of free lessons and I got 100% which is a first I haven't got a 100% on anything and I enjoyed it so, win win I guess.

I think a lot of NTs' perceived stereotype is Rainman. If I had a penny for every time I hear "but you don't look autistic!" or "you can't be autistic because you're creative and you're bad at maths/computers" I'd be a millionaire by now.

My mum is a narcissist who wanted me to be a performative superstar, and punished me for any perceived slight/getting a B in a test etc. I don't talk to her for that reason. My parents basically think I'm a failure because I am not bothered about money/status and I don't have a high-flying career. 

And you will meet someone eventually! I only have one autistic friend, whom I see rarely as she likes to keep to herself.

Yup same with my family too I don't fit THEIR perceived stereotype which is something like rainman.

To be honest my mum is getting better she has been doing a bit more research and I send her little things to try and help her understand I'm not good at explaining my feeling which I'm sure is something to do with my autism. I'm yet to meet another autistic person in real life too and have that kind of "connection" that autistic people have with each other that I've read about.

I have indeed slipped up. I've also been accused of being fake, two-faced and manipulative, lol. Obviously my true friends don't think that, but peripheral acquaintances do. I very rarely socialise, but every once in a while, I have to tolerate them/perform in front of them for the sake of my friends. 

I'm sorry to hear that your family doesn't understand. I am estranged from my parents, all my grandparents are dead, but I do have a good relationship with my Aunt (although she lives in a different country so we only speak on the phone at the moment). She doesn't get it either - she doesn't think I'm autistic, since I don't fit the stereotype, and she says that I'm just an eccentric introvert and doesn't understand that I genuinely have social difficulties...

Story of my life... it is nice to read that people have the same experiences as me, my family doesn't understand when I talk to them I guess you could I'm "first gen autistic person" in my family everyone is NT and they just don't understand what I what I mean when talked them about it after my diagnosis. Correct if I'm wrong but I guess you've slipped up a lot in your when you say things you don't mean and it comes up again in the future and you give a different view or your ACTUAL view and everyone gives you weird looks or gets angry at you? I know it's happened to me a lot.

Story of my life... it is nice to read that people have the same experiences as me, my family doesn't understand when I talk to them I guess you could I'm "first gen autistic person" in my family everyone is NT and they just don't understand what I what I mean when talked them about it after my diagnosis. Correct if I'm wrong but I guess you've slipped up a lot in your when you say things you don't mean and it comes up again in the future and you give a different view or your ACTUAL view and everyone gives you weird looks or gets angry at you? I know it's happened to me a lot.

My aunt-in-law was a senior nurse forty years ago. She is Pollyanna. But I need to play it cool.

Thank you!

That sounds awesome, good luck with your coding career!

Yes exactly! I had an argument with my grandparents about work and money they are old school I think, they just say you need to do what ever you can where you can get the most money. For me I just don't care about money I understand perfectly the utility of money and the benefit and help it provides but I would rather do something I enjoy for the rest of my and enough money to pay for my life than have 100s of thousands or millions and do something I hate.

Luckily I think I'm going to start a coding course and try and get a career in that I managed to get myself a weeks worth of free lessons and I got 100% which is a first I haven't got a 100% on anything and I enjoyed it so, win win I guess.

I think a lot of NTs' perceived stereotype is Rainman. If I had a penny for every time I hear "but you don't look autistic!" or "you can't be autistic because you're creative and you're bad at maths/computers" I'd be a millionaire by now.

My mum is a narcissist who wanted me to be a performative superstar, and punished me for any perceived slight/getting a B in a test etc. I don't talk to her for that reason. My parents basically think I'm a failure because I am not bothered about money/status and I don't have a high-flying career. 

And you will meet someone eventually! I only have one autistic friend, whom I see rarely as she likes to keep to herself.

Yup same with my family too I don't fit THEIR perceived stereotype which is something like rainman.

To be honest my mum is getting better she has been doing a bit more research and I send her little things to try and help her understand I'm not good at explaining my feeling which I'm sure is something to do with my autism. I'm yet to meet another autistic person in real life too and have that kind of "connection" that autistic people have with each other that I've read about.

I have indeed slipped up. I've also been accused of being fake, two-faced and manipulative, lol. Obviously my true friends don't think that, but peripheral acquaintances do. I very rarely socialise, but every once in a while, I have to tolerate them/perform in front of them for the sake of my friends. 

I'm sorry to hear that your family doesn't understand. I am estranged from my parents, all my grandparents are dead, but I do have a good relationship with my Aunt (although she lives in a different country so we only speak on the phone at the moment). She doesn't get it either - she doesn't think I'm autistic, since I don't fit the stereotype, and she says that I'm just an eccentric introvert and doesn't understand that I genuinely have social difficulties...