Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone,
I hope this isn’t inappropriate to post this here but I’m in need of some advice. I recently started dating someone who says they’re on the spectrum. We started chatting and immediately hit it off. We chatted every minute of every day, including texts, phone calls and video chats. We decided to meet each other in person and our meeting surpassed both our expectations. I don’t think I’ve ever connected with anyone the way I have with this person. However, after the weekend, things take a turn and there’s a breakdown in communication on their side. They describe it as an emotional comedown which I don’t think I really understand. They say they really like me and want to see me again but have gone quiet as they feel overwhelmed with these feelings for me. We’ve barely spoken and it’s been very upsetting for me as I feel they’re just not interested, despite them saying otherwise. Can someone give me some advice? Is this typical behaviour? If so, what can I do to make them feel more comfortable? I’m unsure as to what to do; whether to back off and give them some space or continue trying to talk to them. Any advice would be hugely appreciated. I don’t want to walk away from something that has the potential to be very special and meaningful. However, I’m at a loss as to what to do and would love some advice x
I had a similar thing, I didn't text her for two days afterwards and then I totally got the wrong end of the stick. She was unhappy and I didn't see her again for two months. But yeah this was when I didn't know I had autism. So at least you know what the reason is for his behaviour.
Haha, yeah this sounds exactly like me and what I would do when I was younger. It could be anything. You will have to see how long it takes him to reconnect with you and then you will have to think if you can cope with these breaks in the relationship every so often. You could tell that you had a nice time and you can't wait to see him again, and just leave it like that it's up to him to respond.
Hi KAF,
Your story tells me you really care about this person and the relationship you have is important to you both.
I am a person with autism and mental health and I have found relationships a challenge and hope I can help from my experience. A lot is going on in the world at the moment to adapt to and is hitting people with disabilities/mental health hard. Disabilities, mental health and disorders are unique to a person.
I need to take time out from people from time to time as: socialising/emotions/events can become overwhelming as your partner describes it. I do it because I just need that time alone to gather myself and recharge. From my experience, it is not that we are not uninterested or is something personal towards someone, it is that we need that time alone to process things or deal with our emotions. For some of us, I have learnt it is common to take time out for many reasons but different to each person on the spectrum. This can be a challenge but the best thing I could advise is to be patient with us, let us have our time out if we need to recharge and process things. Slow things down and work on how much time they might need time alone compared to how much they see you on what they are comfortable with to find a balance that works for both of you. You could come from another angle if they have gone quiet you could ask them questions like 1 Do you need time to yourself, is it getting too much at the moment, 2 ask them is something I can do to to make you feel more comfortable or 3 do you want to slow this down? If there is no response let the person come to you.
Keep in mind their home environment could be very different to Your own and could be affecting them on top of your relationship. On your questions I would say take your time on talking to them, You could focus on being a best friend as well. Work on finding that balance together you both. I hope this helps aid the relationship with your partner.
u clearly get really well, so its worth the while u pursue this relationship.
The autistic person is having emotions they probably have never had before so you have sparked something which is really cool.
So please make contact saying u will give them some space and then after few days start texting again. Then meet again, and gradually work out together what works.
It can work
If I were you I'd learn all about the effects of autism - especially our inability to process stress and anxiety. This often drains us more and more as we get older.
There's loads of threads on here about not being able to communicate with an older/undiagnosed ASD partner who has crumbled under the stress of life.
Best wishes - but proceed with caution - if they so stressed from one encounter, their life may be very chaotic.
Thank you. I think more than anything I just wanted to know whether this was typical behaviour. I’ve taken it personally and have felt that they don’t like me. I really like this person and things have been fantastic up until I went home. I don’t want to walk away from them as we have an undeniable connection. If I have to adapt and change the way I do things, then I’d rather that than lose someone I could potentially fall in love with.
Yes - very typical.
We often find socialising to be unbelievably hard work - some of us are able to do a mega-performance- we can put on a show to be the very best version of us possible - but it comes at enormous cost - it literally burns us out - the light that burns twice as bright.....
You friend probably does like you very much but has taken longer than they expected to recover from the exertion. They may be surprised at the drain so be confused about whether they can actually commit to a full-on relationship.
Don't pressure them - they may be able to see you as something calming rather than having to do a performance while with you - but you might also want to walk away - we can be very hard work. .