Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, all.
I have an appointment this week to start the process of obtaining a diagnosis. I am a bit late in life to be starting this, but I have come to a realisation during a period of depression and the subsequent counselling, that I, like both of my children, am an autistic person. It had been suggested by an autistic colleague that I was also 'on the bus' a while ago. I wasn't! I despise the noise of buses, and the sudden jolts when they stop. I did know what she meant though. My children were incredulous when I told them that I was going to pursue a diagnosis, as they had just assumed that years ago
I have a vivid memory of standing in a classroom at primary school, wondering why I felt different to everybody around me. I was bullied all the way through school, and in some ways this has followed me into the workplace. I spent my breaks alone, not wanting to play football with the other boys. I hate football, I'm awful around the ball and I hate things coming towards my face. Being alone didn't bother me, that was pretty much my childhood, and I liked my own company. I found a couple of genuine friends when I pursued the study of my special interest.
I hate bright lights. Some supermarkets are unbearable. It feels like the world is so big and I get all of it coming into my senses. I've always needed subdued lighting in the evening, and cannot abide strip lights Certain sounds, such as clicks, or voices out of silence, startle me and cause me pain. I have been diagnosed with hyperacusis with another medical condition, however I realise that this aspect has been going on for most of my life. I don't like tight clothes, they really make me very uncomfortable.
I get exhausted from the interactions that result from the nature of my career, the effect being that I fall asleep very early in the evenings. I feel guilty because I am not always available for my family, but I get to a point where my body just switches off. I am often perplexed by the motivations of others, particularly after a recent issue at work. My wife is a great source of stability in my life. She is a constant, and I think that these kinds of people are very rare.
I like order, but my organisation often eludes me. I feel stressed when light switches, furniture, etc, are not lined up.
My special interest is also my career. It is a constant fascination for me and I enjoy reading journal articles about it. I don't read fiction at all.
I hope that this makes some kind of sense.
I will, thank you. I've always done this, even as a small child. My parents would find me in the back yard of our little terraced house, supposedly asleep. I've only just remembered this as being a thing, so that'll be mentioned!
It is good to know that I am not alone in my experiences.
Re: light sensitivity. I wear dark tinted glasses all year now. It has helped, however I still find supermarkets trouble. I said to my daughter that the lighting made the world feel very wide. She understood, but it does read back a little strange.
Thank you, Mrs Snooks. I feel fine about the appointment. Coming to this realisation has helped me to understand the critical incident that caused my depression.
The mask is truly exhausting.
i have a lot in common with yourself --- eg only reading non-fiction plus light sensitivity.
anyway please get a diagnosis it will help u be more at peace with yourself and end the doubt.
BTW welcome to this forum
oh one thing the falling asleep ----- i do these as well, I believe they are actually autistic shutdowns ( the nice version ). so mention them in your assessment.
Hi there. I hope that your appointment goes really well this week. How are you feeling about it?
I am also later in life and come from an family with autism. And I can identify with your experiences. Welcome to the forum.
I am quite new here, but have already found it very good to be somewhere I can lower my mask.
Hi 6KRIUS,
Autism isn't something that was widely diagnosed when I was a child so I think that it just wasn't recognised by my teachers. I believe that was, and am, excellent at masking, therefore making it harder to recognise. My desire comes from wanting to know about myself. I didn't understand being told I was being rude when, to my mind, I was just being factual. A recent problem in my professional life has made me reexamine myself in quite a profound way.
A lack of societal recognition for people with an ASD must be difficult for you. The lack of understanding from well-meaning people is bad enough. Demand avoidance brings it's own difficulties, as I have witnessed with my son. Thankfully, he has found his special interest and is now doing well.
My family is fantastic, but we have experienced many difficulties and things have been traumatic at times. Autism is quite widespread on my paternal side of the family.
Hi !
Thanks for sharing. Please update us on your diagnosis journey.
I find it interesting having children on the spectrum hasn't been a sign to the medical staff hasn't suggested it to you earlier.
I find myself in the same situations that you describe. However I'm a 25 female born and raised in a country that don't acknowledge mental health and disorders (France). Despite all the red flags my personality and lifesytle raise, I've continuously only semi-realised I am neurodivergent and tick a high number of boxes for ASD. Having studied Medicine and other related fields, I had all the tools in hand to understand the condition although the lack of documentation, testimonies and depiction of the variety of ASD profiles has led me to truly belief I wouldn't be taken seriously (as a young adult female seemingly sociable and functioning) and that being diagnosed later in life was nearly impossible.
Your post let think you have found a way to work through life in spite of being on the spectrum (absolutely thrilled to read you have built a family !). Could you let us know where the desire to get diagnosed originates ?
My motive would be to get a better understanding on how what I believe to be the normal isn't (it is more difficult now to explain why meltdowns, why some things triggers, why PDA, why chosing freelance work etc...) and to get the support in my postgraduate studies now I live in the UK where mental health disorders are fully recognize as impairing.
Thanks and good luck !
6Krius