Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm NT and my partner has Asperger's (self diagnosed but seeking formal). We had split before he found out/had his light bulb moment has he calls it. I was feeling confused, neglected when he was in a bad place which was all the time! But he is the best partner I have ever had when he's in the good place.
He's had a terrible childhood, we believe his Dad had it too. He stopped speaking to his dad years ago, became more isolated and has no friends. Met me, we had a daughter who is now 2 & he already has a 15yr boy who also has Asperger's. His son and him don't have the relationship he thinks or wants and I fear our daughter will feel how I do, she has already been scared when he had a meltdown and smashed up the clothes airer in front of her whilst I was in another room. He scares me when it happens!
He isn't a bad man and I know every time I say anything he will interpret this as negative, despite reading books I don't know who to communicate with him in a way that he doesn't feel horrid or pained. He tells me he doesn't want this relationship, we have again split up, but I still love him, I believe (maybe I am stupid) that if he gets help we can have a great relationship... but I know I cant' force him.
Should i literally just leave him to walk around ignoring me & our daughter, live separate lives until he can afford to move out? He wants to stay here living bill free to save his money.. am I mad?
thank you in advance for any ideas/support
Emma
thank you
We have huge trust issues - open thinking - where you share how you view the world so we can better understand where your thought patterns come from is very useful to us - we take too long to figure it out ourselves.
Talk to him about childhood hobbies - we are forced to give up our interests to be 'grown up' and we're often bullied and ridiculed for liking Lego or RC Planes. It's a vitally important refuge for him - a little world where he is in control of everything.
The more we are forced to be NT, the more stress we suffer from and as we get older, our ability to fake it reduces until we start to malfunction.
If he used to like Lego, buy him a model to make - something to show you want to see the 'real' him, not the masked version.
Him wanting a night walk is twofold - avoiding all the chaos of the day and the world is more special at night - different smells and sounds - no traffic - no people. It allows the brain to gently clear and find calmness while burning the 'aggression calories' at the same time.
Can you get a babysitter for an evening and go for a night walk with him? Step foot into his world and see what he gets from it. It may be very enlightening for you.
Our ideal world is very simple and 'clean' but dealing with NTs in their world is very, very tiring.
If you can chat with him in a simple, non-emotional, logical way, ask him about his view of the world - how would he like to make a future?
Best wishes.
he does now listen to audio books, as he works nights he comes home the house is quite and he can watch tv etc. But he doesn't have a hobby or anything physical.
I have a good career and earn significantly more than him and I think that does bother him although he will say it doesn't. But he can't understand my work ethic, why would I do extra without pay when something goes wrong? But then he likes that I can spend a couple of hours talking to him instead of working!
Its that he questions it in a way that has stopped me from being me. its his negativity, always putting down my friends or family like there all out to get him... although this has improved since he found out a little.
Hi
At the minute everything stresses him but he will say its mainly me. His job and hours also stress him and he wants to change his job, which I support because it negatively affects us all too. Because he procrastinates I don't know how to encourage him to get the call rolling with applying for another job though.
Yes, I guess I am trying to live an NT life to a degree but he does have his own room and now I know if he feels like he needs space I just let him go and do and this is working but... he keeps thinking he knows what I want and think, he isn't checking with me so most of the time he is off the mark, putting words in my mouth.
The other day for example, I wanted some fresh air, thought it would be good for all of us. Perhaps take the kids to the park or somewhere where they could run around. I love the outdoors, he isn't so comfortable but will if its quiet for me (in his defence) but he also feels better after it which is why I try to encourage it. He just replied, 'I will do a night walk, if you want to go in the day go on your own.' Now my face did drop, I was hoping we could agree where he would be prepared to walk, our baby is 2... she goes to bed a 6 having had something to eat... she can't run around because we can't take her to the park to run around!
I know on the face of it I want a 'normal life' and it isn't going to happen but all that I am reading tells me that with agreements and meeting half way we can. I want him to have the best life he can, if its not with me I have accepted that but for his relationship with his daughter.
Hi Emma
I answer a lot of these exact problems on here. What you're experiencing is his inability to cope with his world any more - he's reached the limits of his masking and so cannot process all the stress of the day so is collapsing under the stress. Everything else is just the 'fallout' from his stress problem.
What does he do to wind down? What parts of his life stress him out? Do you allow him to stabilise himself when he gets home or do you accidentally push him into meltdown by asking him too much or downloading on him as he walks in?
Are you trying to live the classic Neurotypical lifestyle of career, house, car etc. etc. and is he overloading himself trying to deliver that?
Is he allowed to have 'down time' where he can just switch off? What hobbies does he have - or where does he like to go?