Published on 12, July, 2020
I've suffered from bullying my whole life and I have autism and anger issues, I know for a fact that I have adhd and aspergers, the problem is that I feel utter rage alot of the times, anger has consumed my life, its always there, even though I'm 15 I have experienced what feels like torture in my head, everything gets too much, In school, out of school and more, Anything angers me, if something doesn't go the way I would like it to, if someone speaks to me in a certain way, noises, specifically chewing noises, anything to do with the mouth and any noise that shouldn't be there, like a clock noise could make me angry, but when ever I tell someone that I am "angry" they just think "oh he's a little angry, it will pass" but when I'm angry I feel as if I could kill dozens of people and I am scared that one day I might do something bad, I have always had thoughts of suicide or murder, I can't help it, that's why I'm scared that one day I might go crazy. I suffer from severe anxiety and cannot express my anger, especially in public, so it bottles up until it bursts out, which rarely happens, which makes it so much worse, one day its going to burst out and I'm not sure if Ill be able to control myself, when I feel angry I hurt myself and maybe others, rarely others, I will break things, punch things, I will choke myself, scratch myself, bite myself and on the rare occasion, cut myself. I feel like I'm alone in this world because I have nobody to truly speak to about any of my problems. I just feel like I need all of the help in the world but because I can't express me feelings and have bad anxiety I can never tell anyone about my problems.
cameron, well, you say you can't tell anyone about your problems, but you've just told us ---- was it that bad?
i think you need people who will support you, hopefully your parents do. can you get a diagnosis? do you have a good therapist, who specializes in asd (autism spectrum disorder)? i have similar feelings as you, and when viewed under the scope of asd, much of your anger displays i think are called melt downs. i just had one the other day, and my therapist describes them as being like migraines: they take over and hijack you. if you can learn more about them, then they'll be less scarey.
avoid being around people chewing food, or wear headphones, i guess. i'm assuming you have a lot of sensitivites, and when you learn about them, and how to deal with them, and how to avoid being around them, and how not to ignore them --- your rages should become much less scarey. i punch walls out on occasion - i no it doesn't feel good, but uhm sometimes it happens. i'm looking at eleven big holes in my wall now.
people here have mentioned stimming might calm anxiety --- which might help mitigate your anger... i hope this group helps you.
Its a lot harder to say to anyone in person but I get what you mean, I don't have a therapist and I've been diagnosed with adhd and aspergers, there is more but that's what I'm sure of, also yea I have sensory processing disorder, the bad thing is, I take these tablets which are supposed to stop impulsive behaviour, which just makes it feel worse because then It's just bottled up inside and with the avoiding these things, the only place I can really avoid them is at home, but at places like school, It's near impossible, the only difference with me is that I like to feel pain when I'm angry, It's better than anything I've been told, because It calms me down a lot faster, It's not fast but faster than usual, I've never actually found something that helps me but I hope I find something soon as I badly need it.
are you able to do things to limit your sensory input, so you might be calmer? i'm wondering if doing things before your get super angry might help you feel better in general, and give you a sense of more control. if you just tolerate too many of these things that stimulate your senses ---- any of your senses -- do you think they can force an unpaid 'bill' to trigger you into an outburst?
there's also simple avoidance of irritating things as a strategy. there are weighted blankets (i just pile a big heavy sleeping bag over me when sleeping) that can be comforting.
screaming at the top of my lungs is helpful. smashing things -- i feel remorse afterwards, but my therapist suggested saving up things to smash - that is, things that are satisfying to obliterate. i don't seem to be into self harm, like cutting, but smashing and obliterating things, i guess that works. if you go into a car, maybe you can scream as loud as possible? it won't work for me to scream if i'm not in the mood.