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Strongly suspect partner has Aspergers

samjasliv

Hi, I am new and am looking for advice, reassurance and support.  I strongly suspect my partner of the past 5 years has Aspergers.  Here is a bit about my situation:-

I am a 46 year old mum of 3 almost grown up children, I divorced 6 years ago after 18 years of marriage.  five years ago I met my current partner Davey, a 49 year old fireman.  I love him very much but he has tested my very being to the core, and in desperation, I typed some of his "traits" into google and I am fairly certain he has Aspergers.  This has been so hard for me to deal with as I am a very loving and communicative person and at times until I realised that Davey possibly has this condition, I have felt that I have been going mad.

Davey finds it very hard to show his emotions and he cannot seem to emphathise with people.  He has some OCD traits (neatness, lining things up etc), he has a very over sensitive sense of smell and even when relaxing, his leg has to move at all times, I think this is called stimming?  

Davey has never married or had children.  When we met he was sharing his home with a former partner, they had split up after 18 months together but had never got around to actually splitting up!  She just went into the spare room and stayed there for the next 15 years until I came along!  She had problems with depression and coupled with his condition, they just stayed in limbo like this.  He told me he knows he should have asked her to leave but because they both had "issues" this never happend.  He instead, just threw himself into renovating his house and garden and his passion which is anything to do with cars - mainly classic ones.  As well as being his passion, cars are also his obessession, driving them, watching F1, renovating them, visiting car shows etc etc 

Long story short, we got together, and obviously I wasn't happy that he lived with his ex so with my help, he found her alternative accommodation, and she moved out, he sold up and moved in with me, which is where we find ourselves today.  

During my relationship with Davey the only way I can describe it is that it constantly feels like trying to "fit a round peg into a square hole".  

Some aspects of our relationship are a joy, he is very tidy and neat, and because I am a fairly houseproud type of person, this is great, especially compared to my untidy ex husband!  However, other aspects, mainly due to the fact that I am a loving and fairly romantic person, I find very difficult to deal with.

Davey cannot ever say he loves me.  He is not bothered about sex at all, happy if we have it or happy if we don't.  There is no tenderness or intimacy in our relationship.  Warning signs did occur when he told me that his relationship with his ex stopped being sexual 18 months into their relationship when she moved into the spare room.  They then lived alongside each other for the next 15 years with no physical contact at all, and during that time, Davey never had any other sexual relationships.  

It isn't so much the lack of sex, it is the lack of tenderness and romance.  Don't get me wrong I don't want hearts and flowers all the time, but it would be nice ocassionally to be told that I am loved and to feel desired.  Unfortunately, all this is made worse for me, as my ex husband was very loving, tactile and romantic!  Davey doesn't like to hold hands, and if I stroke his arm or caress him, he pulls away, telling me he doesn't like it.  

Until recently, Davey's behaviour hurt me greatly, it was only when I thought perhaps he had Aspergers that I realised it isn't me that is at fault.  However, my self esteem has been on the floor at times over his behaviours.  I know he doesn't like "fat women" - he told me this when we first met, so I diet all the time, so I don't get fat, obsessing at times, almost to the point of an eating disorder.  I know he likes the house tidy, so I go to work then come home and sometimes do housework until I am on the point of exhaustion to make him happy.  I constantly try to make him happy but I get nothing back.  If I ask him, do you love me, his reply is "I am here aren't I"!  

Before, I met Davey, I was strong and confident, vivacious and optomistic, I now feel that as a result of his ways, I am no longer any of those things, I feel he has sapped me of the person I was.  Yet, I know I love him and I don't want to leave him.  I just need to know how to deal with him, and wish I could find someone to talk to who is also in this situation.

The incident that has lead me to write all this on here, is that the other night I was upset over something, crying and feeling very low, and I needed a hug, comfort, and I had to ask him to hug me, and he said he couldn't as he was feeling ill himself (he is getting over the flu), he said his body was too achey for him to turn over in the bed and hug me, instead he gave me a little pat!!!  At this point the light on our relationship went out for me and I am seriously despite my love for him, asking him to move out, I feel he is compromising my sanity the longer he stays.  In short, I feel in total turmoil.  Please if you can, give me some advice ......

Parents

  • Hi,

    I am new to this site.  I like to write as an outlet and share, so this might be good.  I've read a few of the posts and find them depressing.  I'm willing to give this a try.

    My husband and I have been married for 14 years.  He is on the spectrum or range of  Asperger's (not diagnosed.)  We have gone to couple's therapy in the past for many years.  We learned "active listening" which helps much.  We also agree to believe that we have no ill intent toward each other, and promise to bring conflicts to the table and not harbor resentments and hold grudges as much as possible.

    Last year, I underwent major surgery twice (both knees replaced.)  My husband was the only member of my family who stood by me and helped on a daily, weekly, or monthy basis.  Loyalty and dedication are two of his many assets.

    Also last year, I grew to learn through family therapy with my husband and daughter, that my daughter is emotionally ill.  It was in that therapy that I learned and saw (third person) how my husband speaks bluntly.  He said things to my daughter that she could not handle and the therapy ended.  She had recently separated from her husband then, and had no bandwidth to deal with my husband.  However, this revelation helped my relationship with him.  I now, knew he had no intent to hurt my feelings when he talks.  It is just his way of talking. The therapist confirmed that.

    To continue, it is with the help of my current therapist that I have made much headway because I work hard at it, to understand both my daughter and husband.  He and I use "active listening" to weather the rough times and get clarity.  My daughter is an emotional person and I have had to learn to speak with her from my heart.  I have to switch gears between them when communicating - not an easy task.

    I love my husband and my daughter deeply.  They do not like each other, but they tolerate being in the same room for my sake.  I hope one day they will have a better understanding of each other.  Perhaps not my husband because he is lacking emotionally, but perhaps she will understand him.

    To cope, I have recovered well from my illness and I now pursue exercise and good nutrition.  I have a health coach.  I also secured a nice part time job which elavates my self-esteem.  I have one friend that I can actually visit, and several friends that I can email.  I like arts and crafts as an outlet. I spend time with my daughter and family to let them know how much I care - they live 50 miles away.  I take the train there and spend 2 days biweekly.

    With my husband, we enjoy watching DVDs, some TV series, educational programs and going to music concerts.  He is in good health, cleanly, loves to read science fiction and short stories, loves plants and animals and is intelligent and has a good sense of humor.  He is good with finances.  He is excellent at organizing and completing tasks.  He loves to research almost anything.

    To summarize, there are many characteristics and qualities of almost any person in this life to honor, respect and appreciate.  I try to find that in my loved ones.  Then, I try to find peace within myself by listening closely to what is important to me, and try to satisfy whatever I detect.

    I do have questions about how others on this site cope with some of the lacking parts of Aspies.  But, I'm not sure if I want to ask given what I have read.

    Hope to hear from someone who maybe has a kindred spirit. 

Reply

  • Hi,

    I am new to this site.  I like to write as an outlet and share, so this might be good.  I've read a few of the posts and find them depressing.  I'm willing to give this a try.

    My husband and I have been married for 14 years.  He is on the spectrum or range of  Asperger's (not diagnosed.)  We have gone to couple's therapy in the past for many years.  We learned "active listening" which helps much.  We also agree to believe that we have no ill intent toward each other, and promise to bring conflicts to the table and not harbor resentments and hold grudges as much as possible.

    Last year, I underwent major surgery twice (both knees replaced.)  My husband was the only member of my family who stood by me and helped on a daily, weekly, or monthy basis.  Loyalty and dedication are two of his many assets.

    Also last year, I grew to learn through family therapy with my husband and daughter, that my daughter is emotionally ill.  It was in that therapy that I learned and saw (third person) how my husband speaks bluntly.  He said things to my daughter that she could not handle and the therapy ended.  She had recently separated from her husband then, and had no bandwidth to deal with my husband.  However, this revelation helped my relationship with him.  I now, knew he had no intent to hurt my feelings when he talks.  It is just his way of talking. The therapist confirmed that.

    To continue, it is with the help of my current therapist that I have made much headway because I work hard at it, to understand both my daughter and husband.  He and I use "active listening" to weather the rough times and get clarity.  My daughter is an emotional person and I have had to learn to speak with her from my heart.  I have to switch gears between them when communicating - not an easy task.

    I love my husband and my daughter deeply.  They do not like each other, but they tolerate being in the same room for my sake.  I hope one day they will have a better understanding of each other.  Perhaps not my husband because he is lacking emotionally, but perhaps she will understand him.

    To cope, I have recovered well from my illness and I now pursue exercise and good nutrition.  I have a health coach.  I also secured a nice part time job which elavates my self-esteem.  I have one friend that I can actually visit, and several friends that I can email.  I like arts and crafts as an outlet. I spend time with my daughter and family to let them know how much I care - they live 50 miles away.  I take the train there and spend 2 days biweekly.

    With my husband, we enjoy watching DVDs, some TV series, educational programs and going to music concerts.  He is in good health, cleanly, loves to read science fiction and short stories, loves plants and animals and is intelligent and has a good sense of humor.  He is good with finances.  He is excellent at organizing and completing tasks.  He loves to research almost anything.

    To summarize, there are many characteristics and qualities of almost any person in this life to honor, respect and appreciate.  I try to find that in my loved ones.  Then, I try to find peace within myself by listening closely to what is important to me, and try to satisfy whatever I detect.

    I do have questions about how others on this site cope with some of the lacking parts of Aspies.  But, I'm not sure if I want to ask given what I have read.

    Hope to hear from someone who maybe has a kindred spirit. 

Children
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