Strongly suspect partner has Aspergers

Hi,

I am new to this site.  I like to write as an outlet and share, so this might be good.  I've read a few of the posts and find them depressing.  I'm willing to give this a try.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years.  He is on the spectrum or range of  Asperger's (not diagnosed.)  We have gone to couple's therapy in the past for many years.  We learned "active listening" which helps much.  We also agree to believe that we have no ill intent toward each other, and promise to bring conflicts to the table and not harbor resentments and hold grudges as much as possible.

Last year, I underwent major surgery twice (both knees replaced.)  My husband was the only member of my family who stood by me and helped on a daily, weekly, or monthy basis.  Loyalty and dedication are two of his many assets.

Also last year, I grew to learn through family therapy with my husband and daughter, that my daughter is emotionally ill.  It was in that therapy that I learned and saw (third person) how my husband speaks bluntly.  He said things to my daughter that she could not handle and the therapy ended.  She had recently separated from her husband then, and had no bandwidth to deal with my husband.  However, this revelation helped my relationship with him.  I now, knew he had no intent to hurt my feelings when he talks.  It is just his way of talking. The therapist confirmed that.

To continue, it is with the help of my current therapist that I have made much headway because I work hard at it, to understand both my daughter and husband.  He and I use "active listening" to weather the rough times and get clarity.  My daughter is an emotional person and I have had to learn to speak with her from my heart.  I have to switch gears between them when communicating - not an easy task.

I love my husband and my daughter deeply.  They do not like each other, but they tolerate being in the same room for my sake.  I hope one day they will have a better understanding of each other.  Perhaps not my husband because he is lacking emotionally, but perhaps she will understand him.

To cope, I have recovered well from my illness and I now pursue exercise and good nutrition.  I have a health coach.  I also secured a nice part time job which elavates my self-esteem.  I have one friend that I can actually visit, and several friends that I can email.  I like arts and crafts as an outlet. I spend time with my daughter and family to let them know how much I care - they live 50 miles away.  I take the train there and spend 2 days biweekly.

With my husband, we enjoy watching DVDs, some TV series, educational programs and going to music concerts.  He is in good health, cleanly, loves to read science fiction and short stories, loves plants and animals and is intelligent and has a good sense of humor.  He is good with finances.  He is excellent at organizing and completing tasks.  He loves to research almost anything.

To summarize, there are many characteristics and qualities of almost any person in this life to honor, respect and appreciate.  I try to find that in my loved ones.  Then, I try to find peace within myself by listening closely to what is important to me, and try to satisfy whatever I detect.

I do have questions about how others on this site cope with some of the lacking parts of Aspies.  But, I'm not sure if I want to ask given what I have read.

Hope to hear from someone who maybe has a kindred spirit. 

You don't sound happy with this man - He sounds like a typical Narcissist, and a control freak.

Unfortuantely, a few people with developmental disorders - in the same way as people who grew up in bad environments - who were left to indulge too much in their own desires and never had to adapt, behave or learn to develop compensation mechanisms can sometimes develop narcissistic personality disorder and turn into mean-spirited, manipulative control freaks.

A narcissistic individual that acts in such a callous, uncaring and sometimes even abusive manner as you describe, at his age, is not going to change enough, and is not going to WANT to change, for it to be worth sacrificing your own energy and sanity to attempt to cure him or get him to change.

Reading back over the development of this thread most of it seems to stem from expectations in a relationship.

Neurotypicals (and I use the term simply to distinguish people who are not directly affected by autism) thrive on feedback - approval, respect, admiration, affection, love, appreciation, interest etc.  They actually have a fundamental need for this feedback, and it is what NTs look for in social conversation.

People on the autistic spectrum find it difficult to handle such exchanges, both receiving and giving. Part of the problem may be the "bottleneck" in the amount of information they can process at any one time, especially if uncomfortable, associated with sensory overload. And they have trouble engaging socially.

What seems to run through this dialogue, if I'm not oversimplifying, is a realisation that partners on the autistic spectrum cannot reciprocate in the way expected by NT partners.

So there are two options: the NTs continue to make an issue of lack of reciprocity, and the AS partners get more and more detached. OR the NTs perhaps ,look for alternative ways of getting their re-assurance that don't involve demanding or expecting NT type feedback.

Reading the thread most NT respondents value favourable traits in their partners and don't want to leave them.

I appreciate it is vital for NTs to find reciprocity/get this feedback, and this is what leads many marriages to break down, or partners to seek love elsewhere in secondary relationships.

But if the relationship is worth it, is it possible for NTs to relax the need for conventional feedback and try to get something from the other good bits of the relationship.

Because otherwise I cannot see a way out of these dialogues. The person on the autistic spectrum has very real difficulty handling and expressing the emotions that provide the expected reciprocity. If NTs cannot relate without explicit feedback/reciprocity, then there is no way forward.

Is the NT need for feedback the only way to form a relationship? Conversely is that pure and simply the reason why people on the spectrum find relationships difficult?

Hi Everyone and especially to samjasliv.

I had to read the previous posts several times before being able to reply here.

After being with my partner for 6 years ( I am divorced, in my 50's and had been married over 20 years ) and spending at least the last 5 of them totally confused, all of a sudden it's starting to make sense!!  I won't go on with too many details but the similarities between your partners and mine are amazing.  

I too had thought of myself as a strong, independant and reasonable person but the last 5 years have been a roller coaster of emotions which have pushed my tolerance to the limit at times and at others have made me question my sanity!!

My partner is a someone who is ( and is becoming more so lately ) mostly emotionally unavailable, has recently decided that most physical contact is too 'uncomfortable' ( even holding hands!! ) and I believe has now altered our live-in relationship to be that of 'companions' more than anything else.  I have tried to talk to him about how this has made me feel awkward as I am quite a tactile and warm person but he thinks as it's ok for him so it should be for me too. If push for him to tell me more about why he has decided to keep me at a distance, he becomes very defensive and shuts down.

You may wonder what keeps us together, apart from me being very in love with him, but at times he has child like qualities that are really endearing, he makes me laugh a lot and is very kind.  Indoors he is every womans dream man as he is clean, tidy and always helps with the jobs around the house!! ( sorry ladies but he really is domesticated....lol ) Plus I truly believe he is loyal and wouldn't cheat on me as my ex did.

So you see, life can be very confusing as one minute I get beautifully worded and romantic birthday cards and the next I am being pushed further and further physically away. 

Guess, this ramble just wanted me to let you know someone else out here is trying to make sense of what is a unusual relationship and to also say thanks to you for sharing your lives and helping me to know I am not alone.

Thanks everyone.

Take care.xx

Hi Zanzibar

Thank you for your reply.

I am just really scared that I get it wrong because he is an amzing man.  I don't want to give up on him like I feel so many others have.  He has never maintained a relationship, and his marriage failed because I now feel he didn't understand, nor did he, or even realise Aspergers was an issue.

I am just praying i say and do the right tings tomorrow as I'm not really sure I can live without this wonderful man.

Hi KarMar

It is interesting that he's already indicated to you that he thinks he may have AS in some form.  It indicates that he's not averse to the idea of you bringing it up with him ... perhaps you could tell him that a) you know you love him but that b) he might need space right now and c) if he ever felt he wanted to find out if the issues he has are related to AS or not that you'd be there to support him.  I imagine that if you open the 'cage door' he may well come back to you.  What will drive him away is, as you've already recognised, feeling pressure to stay.  Mind you, that's most men in my opinion!!! :)

I am desperate.  Tomorrow I am going to see my bf and it could be the end for us.

We me tonline last October whilst he was in Afghanistan.  It was an instant connection.  He came home in January and it has been a really strange ride.  When we are physically together its amazing.  We are happy, he laughs, his affectionate and admits that he has never been loved like this before.  He tells me he loves me and displays such love I adore him.  However, when he goes back to work, it happens.  He gets distant and can go all day without texting.  I send him really romantic loving texts and his reply is blase at times.  This has caused me to question whether he really loves me.

This has been going on and off like this for 6 months.  His son has Aspergers which was diagnosed earlier in the year and he did once admit to me that he may have some form of it himself.  On Monday he told me he wanted to end our relationship as he loves me only as a friend.  But I can't accept that because I know when we are together we are a real couple in love.  But after having done some research on Aspergers I now realise that I have been putting too much pressure on him and I truly believe he is just scared.

He has agreed to see me tomorrow.  I am desperate to make him give us a chance now that I realise what the issue could be.

Please can you offer me some advice as to how I can get through to him that what we have is worth fighting for.

I've only just found this thread of conversation ... just wanted to find out how things were going with you all and your partners now six months (almost) have gone by?!

I have been married for 10 years and had no idea that he had AS until last year.  There is a two year waiting list in our nearest city for any adult diagnosis.  I told them I couldn't wait two years and in the end we paid privately to go and have a diagnosis - which happened in February this year.

It's made a huge difference to our relationship - BUT I feel there is a huge need for an NT specific website to offer support and friendship - and even meet ups if it were possible.  I'm convinced, since there are allegedly 1 in 200 people with AS in the UK, that there are marriages and relationships all over the place breaking down because people a) don't know about AS or b) if they do, they can't get diagnosis in less than 18 months!  It's crazy. 

I hope all you guys on this thread are doing well!  

Sue - sorry to hear that you are feeling down.

It sounds like you need some professional help with the situation. I have long since given up trying to 'work out' my partner, but I remember clearly how draining it was, not understanding and being on the receiving end of very hurtful behaviour. [Its still hurts but I'm not quite as exhausted, now I have given to trying to understand!].

More later. Love Rosemary xx

Hi Rosemary

Sorry for delay in replying.  How are things with you?  How is relate going.  I am so down, and exhausted trying to work him out all the time.  I just don't know what to do, haven't ever been this low .......  sorry so negative.  Sue x

Poo!!! I'm most annoyed. I didn't get the email notification to say that there had been any replies and so I thought I was billy-no-mates! That's pants. And I never thought to come on and check.

Well, I have moved along since we last spoke and I am now seeking professional help. I went to a RELATE counsellor last night who has some training in Aspergers/Autism. Next step is for us to go together which I think my partner is prepared to do. I am also trying to find a doc or cons who specialised in autism, for my other half to see [probably privately].

I have come to the end of the road with certain behaviours - particularly my partner's controlling attitude towards money which means that I am essentially a single parent supporting our son, even though he is on a good income. My partner thinks this is a perfectly acceptable way to conduct himself.

It's all toooooooooooo weird but I have had to shelve it whilst fighting for a statement for our son before he started school. Now that he is at least partially sorted, I must move on to the next challenge . I am not looking forward to it but there is no doubt in my mind that his Dad is on the spectrum. I think he is probably Aspergers. Been reading today and it sounds so much like him. 

Sue - It does indeed sound like your partner is the same. I remember very well the feeling like I was going mad. That passed for me, when the penny dropped that our son had it and his Dad probably had it too. Is your partner willing to seek help? I think that is probably the crucial question but it will most likely be you who has to do all the 'donkey' work, just like I am doing, if he is.

Love Rosemary P.S. Ha ha - I too am a size 12-14 - how funny! Made me smile.

Hi Joseyboy

Your post moved me so much .... it was enlightening to hear this from the man's point of view ..... and how I sympathise with you especially when you said that you also wear your heart on your sleeve and when you are in love give your love and devotion freely ... like me. This must have at times been heartbreaking for you when it seems like it is not reciprocated.  I cannot tell you the bewilderment I have felt during my relationship with Davey before I had the breakthrough moment when I thought perhaps he could have Aspergers.  

I guess all we can do as people loving Aspies is be there and support each other ... as Rosemary (the poster, above) said to me .... .remember, you are not alone.  It makes you wonder doesn't it, why God (or whoever/whatever you believe in) seems to make it that we super-romantic, affectionate souls seem drawn to be in relationships with people on the AS spectrum!  Someone up there, is having a laugh at our expense!

Sending you warm wishes .... stay strong.

Sue x

Hi Rosemary

Great to hear from you again, you don't know how good it is to hear I am not alone in my situation.  I would very much like to be a friendly ear of support for you, any time.  Like you say, friends can sympathise, but unless they are actually living this situtation day in day out, they can't really understand .... Asperger's throws up so many complex situations in relationships ....

My heart went out to you during your pregnancy and the way your partner acted.  I was so lucky, I was married to my ex husband during my pregnancies and he was very supportive, I dread to think how it would have been with D in that role! 

When I first met D, my marriage was breaking up, my husband and I,had been together 22 years since I was 19 and I think we just outgrew each other, sad but these things happen. I was very attracted to D, as, on the surface he was so different from my husband and at first this was a novelty and somewhat of a revelation.  

My husband was very "full on", passionate, lively, extremely outgoing, the life and soul of the party type, his motto in life was to "live every day as if it is your last".  Fine when you are single, but when you have a wife and three kids, he could  be extremely selfish and this along with me outgrowing him, caused problems in our marriage.  He couldn't understand that you just can't keep dragging three young kids out and about all the time, kids need routines etc etc

Anyway, long story short, when I met D, he was the opposite of this ,or so I thought.  He came across as quiet, calm, laid-back a little reserved, however I was attracted to him as he was a refreshing change to my "highly strung" ex.  D never put no pressure on me sexually, whereas my ex would pester me constantly and this really was, if I am honest, the straw that broke the camel's back, with regard to my marriage.  

So, you can see that I fell for D, and at first his "Asperger traits" were not evident to me, although, as I said previously, I did always feel like I was trying to push a round peg in a square hole with him at times.  But, I put this down to the fact that "it must be me", my fault that I was needy and insecure, perhaps it was to do with the fact that I had just come out of a long marriage?  I just kept on making excuses for D's behaviour and blaming myself, although deep down, I knew that I was always a confident, level-headed person, and I couldn't understand how being with D had changed me into this analytical, neurotic woman!  It got to the stage where I even thought he was behaving this way because I was too fat! (I am a 12/14!), all my rational thoughts went out the window.

It was only after having a long conversation with his ex-partner one day, and noting so many similarities in anecdotes that she told me, that I had the light bulb moment that perhaps there was something wrong with HIM and not me.  As I work in a school (I am office staff not teaching) I was able to access resources and talk to staff in our Learning Support department.  From here, I have come to the conclusion that he almost certainly has Aspergers.  I am 80% certain he has it, 20% thinks he may just be a nasty *** at times!  I don't know though, all this trying to work out if he has it or not actually in the words of my teenage kids "does my head in"!  I will probably never know if he does have it, as he wouldn't ever get diagnosed.

Iam still not sure where to go from here, some days I cope ok with it, other days, I feel really depressed thinking of a lifetime without affection and tenderness.  That is what I miss, there is no tenderness to our relationship.  My relationship with my ex husband was a nightmare at times in other ways, but underneath it all, I KNEW for sure that he loved me, and although we could be volatile together at times, there were always right up until we separated tender moments.  D never says he loves me, or I look nice or compliments me at all, my ex was very good at that.  D is very practical though, and can fix anything, the other day when the kitchen tap sprung a huge leak, he was right there on it ......... so I guess ........ every cloud!!  I think you have to look for the humour in this situation at times or you would go mad!

Bottom line, even though D has nearly sent me round the twist, I do still love him, whereas with my ex husband even though I loved him as the father of my kids, I wasn't in love with him, and for my sins, I am still in love with D .......and that is the bottom line ....and the reason I am still hanging on in there .... despite knowing the fact that he cannot ever change.

Sue x

PS. Your "Remote Man" comment made me laugh, my parents refer to D as "Cardboard Cutout Man"! 

I was watcing a movie last night when the topic of aspergers cropped up...im very familiar with aspergers as i know people with it, close friends. Anyhow i'd just had a conversation with my girlfriend (whom i love to bits) and id just told her that if i was placed in a metal box and fired into space i probably still wouldnt feel as lonely as i did being in love with her. I had the lightbulb moment! It all made sense.. all the behaviour traits.

I can totally relate with samjasliv, my sex life is practically non existent (not a trait of all aspergers i grant you) but loveless behaviour is in many, absolute lack of empathy, and yes it wears you down, as i said before its a very lonely place when you love someone who cannot express it back.

Reading your story has saddened me no end as i thought i might have the strength/courage/love to see it through, but im questioning this optimism now. I too tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and if i love someone they get all my attention and devotion. At first i thought my girlfriend just didnt love me, and i was ready to walk away, but i did talk with her, i was aware there were mental issues, and i managed to convince myself that she genuinely does love me (to the best of her abilities). I dont know why im writing this as i have no concrete plans set in my head. Ive only just joined the site after many many hours reading more about aspergers..We havent had a proffesional diagnosis, but like i said i am familiar with it...and when you know, well you just know ...170 out of 200 on the test (i scored 40). I'll try to tame the storm, i know i can never get rid of it, but..at least now i know what im dealing with and she feels much better knowing she aint mad. Since early childhood shes been branded "strange".. im quite bitter that this has never been investigated before, and im angry that medical people have got her on all sorts of drugs that may well not be required, or helpful..but im not a doctor and i hope im proven wrong. 

A man once told me "if you have love in your life, the rest just falls into place"..im guessing his wife didn't have aspergers :o)

i'll stay with the site, and with my girlfriend..truth be told..it's because shes so different from the norm i love her so much..

Hello, I am back again. I am sorry that I am posting in lots of short bursts and hope it won't seem like overkill. I have a lot to say but I will have to post in short sessions. Hope you [and everyone else reading] understands.

I quote you..."The incident that has lead me to write all this on here, is that the other night I was upset over something, crying and feeling very low, and I needed a hug, comfort, and I had to ask him to hug me, and he said he couldn't as he was feeling ill himself (he is getting over the flu), he said his body was too achey for him to turn over in the bed and hug me, instead he gave me a little pat!!!"

I have been here so many times and could give you so many examples. Here is one...

In November 2011 I was pregnant again, but I kept having bleeds and pain. I have 2 living children [I have a grown up son from a different relationship who has returned home after studying] and with both successful pregnancies [and an earlier failed one] I never had any bleeding so I was certain something was wrong.

My partner was totally dispassionate - he ignored the fact it was happening and my grief and anxiety. One night, we were going out with our young son, to have a meal with my friends and their similar aged daughter. It was early evening.

My back was really hurting, I was bleeding a little, I felt dreadful and I didn't want to go but it was my friend's birthday celebration and I love her and did not want to let her down.

On the way to the meal, I said to my partner "You won't leave me to look after **** [our toddler] on my own will you, because my back is killing me, I am bleeding again and I feel terrible." I had already said this but felt he needed reminding. He replied ...

..."YOU WON'T leave me to look after **** on MY own, will you?"!!!!

I miscarried soon afterwards.

I have tons of other examples. One in particular is devastating and very difficult to forgive. The inability to empathise and only to be able to see his interests in a situation, is a key problem to my partner maintaining a long term relationship.  

Oh and re your D being there, but not there - my partner is just the same. Before I realised he probably had a syndrome, I used to call him 'Remote Man'

Rosemary xx 

P.S. I forgot to say that my partner has a lot of other markers too that are associated with ASC/Aspergers. X

Hi, I am back again. I may well have to post in bite-sized chunks as I do not get blocks of time very often.

Just to fill you in a bit more - my little boy has it written in his statement by the Ed Psych and the Paed cons that, in their opinion, he is on the autistic spectrum. There is no doubt in my mind that he is and as such, I am not too stressed about waiting for a diagnosis.

The reason I am telling you this, is because I first researched Apergers and Autism in the summer of 2011 [My God! it feels like much longer ago] when I realised there was something amiss with my toddler son.

At the time, I was not convinced he had it [I was reading about Aspergers] but I was shocked when I saw that my partner had lots of markers.

I put it to one side, but a few weeks later I read extensively on this website about autism and everything fell into place.

I know my son has it and I know my partner has too [both very high-functioning] and I wanted to let you know that from what you have written, the similarities between D and my partner are quite extraordinary.

That is all I have time for right now, but I will be back to give you some examples of behaviour that I have experienced, just like you have and also, how I have coped so far. I am feeling steadier today, though still wondering what on earth to do???

From Rosemary x 

Hi again - I am just going out to work but noticed an email of notification, as I went to turn off the pc.

I'll reply properly just as soon as I can, maybe tonight. I am a very similar place to you emotionally, though there are some differences I think, between the issues our other halves have. I am also a similar age and feel the same way in the relationship sense - it is like a living death! Rather depressing.

Thank you so much for replying. Its an awfully lonely thing to go through - mutual friends are very uncomfortable when I try to say anything about our difficulties. I sense they do not want to be involved. I suppose it is understandable.

I am struggling much more with my partner than I am with our son. More later and hope we can perhaps support each other.

Regards from Rosemary x 

Hi Rosemary

Thank you for your response.  

I am sorry to hear about your son and I hope you get a formal diagnosis soon.

I am so glad I never had a child with Davey, if there is a chance the child would be like him and perhaps have Aspergers tendancies.  My three children are by my ex husband and until I met Davey AS had never featured in my life. 

It is a comfort to know there are other women going through similar experiences to me, and feeling similar emotions to mine.  At times, I have felt that I am going mad! Davey's behaviour at times leaves me feeling totally bewildered!   The frustration I feel is also hard to deal with.  

When he becomes uncommunicative it is very unnerving to say the least.

I am still in a quandry over what to do ....... so am doing nothing at the moment.  I just feel at 46 I am too young to live out the rest of my days in a partnership where there is no tenderness or affection ....... or am I asking too much of a relationship ..... I just don't know any more ....... I am in a total mess!

I don't really want to be alone either ..... but at times even though I am in a relationship it feels like being alone anyway.  

I just feel exhausted from 5 years of trying to work him out!  

I hope things get better for you Rosemary, I am sure now your son has the SEN Statement he will get the right help (I am a PA in a secondary school, so know a little about the SEN system).  

Take care and post again soon.

Samjasliv

Hi Samjasliv and everyone who has replied on this thread.

I am also new here and in a very similar situation to you. I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years, but we have a child together who has recently been given a statement of SEN and is thought to be on the AS. We await an official diagnosis.

It was only when our son got into the system and I began to research, that I realised that his father has it too.

Honestly, your post rang so many bells for me that I almost fell off my seat! Then I read DaisyGirl's God Complex paragraph and my eyes popped, as that is my partner to a tee.

Its very, very difficult. He is in denial and he too does not reply when you try to communicate with him on anything other than a superficial level. When you up the ante he becomes hostile and he can be vile.

He has said, done and perhaps most importantly, not done so many very damaging things during the course of our relationship that I am hanging onto it by a thread and I do not know where to turn. His relationship history is amazingly similar to Davey.

I've also posted on the carers thread. I'll be back when I have slightly composed myself, but its brought everything to the surface that I have been keeping submerged for so long. I have not been able to cope with my little son's needs and tackle this too. He has completely ignored our son's problems and given no support, only attending meetings if asked and then not speaking.

You are not alone. From Rosemary