Strongly suspect partner has Aspergers

Hi, I am new and am looking for advice, reassurance and support.  I strongly suspect my partner of the past 5 years has Aspergers.  Here is a bit about my situation:-

I am a 46 year old mum of 3 almost grown up children, I divorced 6 years ago after 18 years of marriage.  five years ago I met my current partner Davey, a 49 year old fireman.  I love him very much but he has tested my very being to the core, and in desperation, I typed some of his "traits" into google and I am fairly certain he has Aspergers.  This has been so hard for me to deal with as I am a very loving and communicative person and at times until I realised that Davey possibly has this condition, I have felt that I have been going mad.

Davey finds it very hard to show his emotions and he cannot seem to emphathise with people.  He has some OCD traits (neatness, lining things up etc), he has a very over sensitive sense of smell and even when relaxing, his leg has to move at all times, I think this is called stimming?  

Davey has never married or had children.  When we met he was sharing his home with a former partner, they had split up after 18 months together but had never got around to actually splitting up!  She just went into the spare room and stayed there for the next 15 years until I came along!  She had problems with depression and coupled with his condition, they just stayed in limbo like this.  He told me he knows he should have asked her to leave but because they both had "issues" this never happend.  He instead, just threw himself into renovating his house and garden and his passion which is anything to do with cars - mainly classic ones.  As well as being his passion, cars are also his obessession, driving them, watching F1, renovating them, visiting car shows etc etc 

Long story short, we got together, and obviously I wasn't happy that he lived with his ex so with my help, he found her alternative accommodation, and she moved out, he sold up and moved in with me, which is where we find ourselves today.  

During my relationship with Davey the only way I can describe it is that it constantly feels like trying to "fit a round peg into a square hole".  

Some aspects of our relationship are a joy, he is very tidy and neat, and because I am a fairly houseproud type of person, this is great, especially compared to my untidy ex husband!  However, other aspects, mainly due to the fact that I am a loving and fairly romantic person, I find very difficult to deal with.

Davey cannot ever say he loves me.  He is not bothered about sex at all, happy if we have it or happy if we don't.  There is no tenderness or intimacy in our relationship.  Warning signs did occur when he told me that his relationship with his ex stopped being sexual 18 months into their relationship when she moved into the spare room.  They then lived alongside each other for the next 15 years with no physical contact at all, and during that time, Davey never had any other sexual relationships.  

It isn't so much the lack of sex, it is the lack of tenderness and romance.  Don't get me wrong I don't want hearts and flowers all the time, but it would be nice ocassionally to be told that I am loved and to feel desired.  Unfortunately, all this is made worse for me, as my ex husband was very loving, tactile and romantic!  Davey doesn't like to hold hands, and if I stroke his arm or caress him, he pulls away, telling me he doesn't like it.  

Until recently, Davey's behaviour hurt me greatly, it was only when I thought perhaps he had Aspergers that I realised it isn't me that is at fault.  However, my self esteem has been on the floor at times over his behaviours.  I know he doesn't like "fat women" - he told me this when we first met, so I diet all the time, so I don't get fat, obsessing at times, almost to the point of an eating disorder.  I know he likes the house tidy, so I go to work then come home and sometimes do housework until I am on the point of exhaustion to make him happy.  I constantly try to make him happy but I get nothing back.  If I ask him, do you love me, his reply is "I am here aren't I"!  

Before, I met Davey, I was strong and confident, vivacious and optomistic, I now feel that as a result of his ways, I am no longer any of those things, I feel he has sapped me of the person I was.  Yet, I know I love him and I don't want to leave him.  I just need to know how to deal with him, and wish I could find someone to talk to who is also in this situation.

The incident that has lead me to write all this on here, is that the other night I was upset over something, crying and feeling very low, and I needed a hug, comfort, and I had to ask him to hug me, and he said he couldn't as he was feeling ill himself (he is getting over the flu), he said his body was too achey for him to turn over in the bed and hug me, instead he gave me a little pat!!!  At this point the light on our relationship went out for me and I am seriously despite my love for him, asking him to move out, I feel he is compromising my sanity the longer he stays.  In short, I feel in total turmoil.  Please if you can, give me some advice ......

  • Hi Hope

    I am sorry my situation is depressing for you, but I hope that one day you are able to find a partner. 

    Just want to point out that if I wasn't such a loving/romantic/affectionate type of person, then Davey's behaviours wouldn't have made such an impact on me and I would be able to cope better with him.  Sadly, we are just both at opposite sides of the scale and as much as I have tried, one person alone, just can't bridge the gap.  All this is no one's fault, it just means I would be better suited to a more loving, open person and he should look for someone who isn't too bothered about affection, hand holding, romance etc.   

    What I am trying to say in my clumsy way is don't give up ........ you may meet someone who is either able to lower their expectations to yours or doesn't have the expectation in the first place.  Try as I did, I just couldn't adapt my naturally affectionate nature to Davey's.

    Yes, I do know of a couple where the man has Aspergers and the women doesn't who have worked through their problems and are happy.  If you read "Asperger Syndrome - A Love Story" by Keith Newton and Sarah Hendrickx it is all in there.  I bought this book last year and all I can say is Sarah Hendrickx is a better woman than me, I thought after reading the book, I would be able to cope more successfully with Davey's behaviours but unfortunately for my own sanity (and my children) I feel now is the time to throw in the towel, I have given it over 5 years, long enough, I feel.

    Good luck. 

    Samjasliv

  • Hi Mum of 3

    I am the original poser.  Yes, I think you are right he has made some adaptations to be able to do his job, although during the 25 years he has served with the Fire Service, I believe "issues" have arisen.  He has spoken to me briefly about this, but I haven't pushed as he is clearly uncomfortable talking about these matters.  I only know what his ex told me, that there had been some "bullying issues" surrounding him.  This I believe to be other firemen at his station that found him a bit of an "odd ball" so perhaps mocked him etc leading to him submitting a grievance.  The Brigade operates a zero tolerance policy on bullying (quite right in my opinion) so obviously acted on the allegations and I believe investigations were put in place.  This all happened 10 years or so ago, and since then he has moved to another firestation within our county and as far as I know has worked here with no further problems which maybe due to Davey "adapting" his behaviour to try and fit in, or due to the fact that the firemen on this particular watch are more tolerant. 

    With regard to your friend, this morning, I am seriously considering doing the same ....... I am finding the lack of affection the most intolerable.  I am pleased to hear that your friend was able to move on and find happiness.  It gives me hope.

    Regards

    Samjasliv

  • Hi DaisyGirl

    I read your response with interest. I am not sure if Davey has the "God complex" manifestation of ASD, but him always doing what he wants to do, and having being able to do that especially during his previous relationship as she retreated from him anyway, does make sense. 

    He will quite often tell me I am being "demanding" when I am literally just having what most would consider to be a normal conversation with him!  He will tell me that Jill (the ex) made no demands on him, but he can't see that the reasons she made no demands were A) she couldn't stand him B) she thought he was an oddball and C) she didn't want to rock the boat as she was living with him almost rent free.

    Your last comment, really hit home, yes, it is bad for the whole family, and I really don't want to drag my children through this any longer.  I am seriously considering ending the relationship, I know I cannot live out the rest of my days in constant turmoil and frustration and without any affection from my partner.  I would rather be alone but be free to pursue a loving relationship in the future than trapped in this hell.  All my love for Davey is evaporating and whether he has this sad condition (Aspergers) or is just a nasty person, I just can't cope any longer.  I am exhausted from analysing whether he has the condition or not.  2013 is time to put me first, I have had 5 years of trying to work this man out.  Enough now!

    Thank you again for your advice. 

  • Reading this is all quite depressing. As a person with AS, I would love one day to have a partner. Being asexual and bisexual makes this a harder prospect, but I continue to hope that one day I will find the one for me. Can a relationship where one partner or the other has AS ever be a happy and long-term one?. Has anyone on this forum got a positive story to tell about relationships with someone on the spectrum?

  • Having read your second post I was wondering if the situation could be that your partner has a particular manifestation of Asperger's.

    Most people with ASDs have had a rough time, and especially by the time they are adults they have endured some or all of the following abuse or ignorance from their family/bullying at school or work/anxiety with their environment/loneliness and depression/poverty and negotiating the benefits system.

    However there are some people with ASD who have not had these problems, and consequently they have been able to fully indulge their ASD behaviours. They have not set up real coping strategies or "acts" to cope in the NT world. They simply do what they want to do, and if this continues into later life they can be extremely self centred, and their response is one of "I don't care what you think or do, I'm just going to do my thing". They have never considered their behaviours as being different from the NT world because they have not been confronted by the NT world. This is an unusual circumstance, but I wondered if this could be the case?

    I'm not at all sure what you could do about this because he will be certain he is right about everything. It's a sort of God complex.

    I am not saying it is wrong for people with ASDs to be themselves, but as someone with Asperger's who is beaten down by the NT world, but whose Dad has the ASD God complex I can see just how bad it can be for the family.

  • Thank you for all of your comments regarding my situation.  A couple of things that have  arisen from your comments are:

    I have spoken to Davey's mum at length about his childhood, and she said she definitely thought he was "odd".  He would sit alone as a toddler and play for hours with one brick.  He was at times in her words quite "locked in", however, he gave her no grief as he was happy to be alone and as she had two other children all under 5, she was just grateful that he was so low maintenance.

    I have also spoken at length to his ex partner, and unfortunately we share many similar experiences.  The difference being for her, she was never really that "in love" with him in the first place, they got together really for mutual convenience, she had just split from a previous partner and needed somewhere to live, she was an animal lover, and he had a dog at the time that needed a babysitter! Hence, as she didn't love him, his behaviour didn't really "hurt" her, she just thought he was an odd-ball but didn't want to rock the boat as she was getting a good deal, roof over her head etc (these are her observations, not mine).  

    Other points from your replies are:  Yes, I have tried to talk to him many times about how I feel.  He either a) shuts down (you can just see it, in his expression, he is there but not there, very odd) or b) physically runs away.  The first time this happened I was stunned, he literally cannot take any kind of discussion/confrontation.  It wasn't even a confrontation, I just told him our relationship needed a bit of work and we should discuss things as I wasn't happy, he listened for five minutes, then literally ran out saying he couldn't cope with it all!  He has got slightly better, during this latest "upset" he did stay and listen to what I had to say, but he just sat there completely "mute" - making no effort to converse at all, at several points in the discussion I had to say to him, "it is your turn to talk now".  This is extremely frustrating and bizarre behaviour, and I am at a loss as to how to deal with him.  I now find myself just completely shutting down too, meaning at the moment, there is virtually no communication between us, I just feel it is not worth the effort as I don't get a response anyway.  I am very demoralised by it all.  I am used to if there is an issue, being able to talk it through, this is very alien to me. 

    Lastly, I have told him I think he could have Aspergers.  I have said, I love him and am prepared to learn as much as I can about it and we will work through it together.  He says he has no feelings at all on whether he has it, he says perhaps he does or perhaps he doesn't, but even so, he is what he is!  A typical Davey response I am afraid.  For someone like me, who likes to get things sorted out if there is a problem, all I can say is his behaviour is immensely frustrating and at times heartbreaking.  

    Thanks again for all feedback, if my responses have brought up any further thoughts I would be grateful to hear them.  At the moment, I think I am just going to do what was suggested, and just let the dust settle and try and get back some of my  "strength" to be able to deal with the situation again.  I just feel totally wiped out by him at the moment.

  • Aspergers, and all autistic spectrum disorders are developmental, this means that the behaviours that are Aspergers like should be present from childhood. Do you know his past, what he was like as a child?

    Also, why can't you talk to him? Only people with ASDs who also have a learning disability are unable to engage in proper conversation. If he has Asperger's he should be able to discuss the situation logically.

    Asperger's traits are less important for understanding the condition than understanding the nature of the developmental condition. A lot of traits are the result of people with Asperger's having to live in the NT(neurotypical) world. This means those with other mental health conditions may appear to have Asperger's traits, but actually that is not the underlying diagnosis. The key is their development from early childhood (especially from about age 9 years onwards).

  • Can I advise generally, going back to basics.., you are looking for cause and effect for answers, which is fair enough (only human), however this can cause depression and anxiety due to the unclarity in the mind. You know the story of your own mind, so you have too untangle the web by stepping away from the web because you can get stuck on it. People behaviours are there own really, you can't change them, only your own.

    I use these three question for clarity, they may work for you:

    1.) What do you WANT ideally from the situation ? i.e hugs

    2.) What do you really EXPECT from the situation ? i.e he does not hug

    3.) What is the ACTUAL reality of the situation(want it is giving you) ? he does not hug.

     

    Some take that in the Aspergers question ?

    1.) WANT  - Do you want him to have Aspergers.

    2.) EXPECT - You expect him to have Aspergers.

    3.) ACTUAL - ? unknown useless professional assessment.

    Sometimes you can only part answer 1, 2 or 3. Hopefully you will get to answer all three over time.

    Thank for sharing such a personal story.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • hi - he may or may not have aspergers - googling in itself won't substitute for a proper diagnosis.  Saying that, it cannot do you any good at all to be at rock bottom, to drastically diet + clean the house till you're exhausted.  Have you explained to him how you feel + why?  If you decide you want to work at the relationship, then you could research aspergers a bit more (if you haven't already), making the presumption that he's an aspie, so you can understand.  There will be info on this site.  There are other posts on it from aspie partners which you cd read.  In the end you've got to decide whether you want to continue the relationship but it wd be best, in my opinion, to wait till the turmoil subsides.  Strong, mixed emotions are hard to deal with, so don't decide rashly 1 way or the other + then regret it.  When you feel calmer, think it thru, talk to him openly, think it thru again + then take your time to decide.  I know that's all much easier sd than done.  The nas helpline might be useful.  I don't agree with anyone staying in a relationship that is destructive to their well-being but maybe the 2 of you cd work things thru + achieve a level of emotional understanding?  Have you mentioned aspergers to him?  There are online tests that can be done which wd point to it.  bw 

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