A hard day yesterday

hi gina.

obviously you are not feeling very positive right now, but i wonder, what is it thats taken your hope this time?

from what you say here you seem to be less hopeful WITH a diagnosis (whether self diagnosed proffessonally) , why?

having the diagnosis is aq positive thing, it gives you a reason, and tho you will  have probably some cr*ppy memories related to autism, this puts them in their REAL perspective, what they REALLY were, if you get what i mean

you m eantion 'stigma' in you rother post, what about it?

i dont see how the stigma changes anything, you were the exact same before the diagnosis as you are now, the stigma will be there because people jude us, whether we have a reason or not for how 'different' we are (and i say we tho i am not autistic, because im talking about people in general, all people will any difference at all are judged, tho obviously its easy to see how autistics are judged somewhat harsher than non autistics)

my partner struggled, he struggled for a long time before the diagnosis, he still does now, but having the diagnosis put it in perspective, the reason and gave him that 'hope' that he now has an answer rather than just having to get on with it an dnot know why any of this happens or why he is the way he is and why others cant understand or accept him that way

you have no reason to feel bad about your post or how others are affected by it, you wer ehonest and that is actually a positive trait in autism for many people. 

obviously you have not got much support from family but neither did/does my partner, he has me, iterally only me because no other person gets autism or how it affects him

and all you need is that one person

your family NEED you, they love you and im sure they accept and appreciate you for who you are but that doesnt make autism easier to live with or undestand, i can say from experience i love my partner, more than anyone and even life, but his autism can be too much sometimes for me to cope with, that NEVER changs that i love him, but our relationship has had a lot of issues based around autism (along with other things obviously i will not say hes the sole blame)

your family know you, and dont expect anything from you that you cant give or be, 

but i think your problem is that YOU still expect them from youself, and that YOU dont yet accept yourself for who you are

No need to apologise, Gina.

I wish had some 'answers' for you, but I don't.

I think you have to find your own 'answers' to these kinds of problems.

Now, as for how and where I found my 'answers' - I don't really know - I always felt, looking back on my life, even before I was diagnosed with AS, that my life was on some kind of conveyor belt - things happened to me, rather than me having any say or control over what things happened. And then, for a while, and still at times, after the diagnosis it felt like someone had ripped up the conveyor belt and dumped my on some kind of Indiana Jones mine cart rollercoaster ride - speeding along, throwing me this way and that, and with levers to pull that would take me down one unknowable path or another! I'm not entirely sure how, but I seem to have managed to keep the cart on the tracks, and not hit any major problems. But then I have had help from my parents and various social/other workers.

But, I think the one thing I've finally learnt to start doing (even though it was something I've always tried to do) is to stop 'trying', and just 'being'. That is stop trying to be what I think other people expect me to be, just being myself, and being happy with that, instead.

It's not easy, I still have dark days, and I too often fear that I will never find real love, companionship, and am destined to live and die alone and lonely.

But those days are getting fewer, those fears are lessening, with help, and I am starting to feel like I'm beginning to learn to take control of the mine cart I've now found myself in, can start to see a pattern to the tracks, and perhaps even may soon be able to start throwing levers with some idea of where they will take me.

Morning Scorpion0x17

Many, many thanks for taking the time to reply with honesty and also apologies for the rawness of the my post that may have opened up some old wounds for yourself. This was not my intension to cause others pain due to my selfishness of being so self absorbed in myself. All I can plead is sheer desperation of  the longing to be able to divert my attention to the want of life rather than the ending of the one.

A little about my dysfunctional family. My parents split when I was 13. My mother took myself and the twins age 3 to a different part of the country. It was certainly a wise choice by the two adults to split as it was extremly violent and twisted, both adults to blame. My mother's Mum soon joined us, about the only adult I really ever remember truly loving myself and siblings and myself in turn only really ever admired and adored and I like to say loved as she gave me a glow and warm feelings. The twins have never seen to this day my father, initially due to the poision my mother spewed, however just as equally my father didn't try as hard as he should. The realtionship between my mother and I is a volatile one, to the extreme of we've spent more time not talking than talking, it's been 5 years since we last spoke and I have no intensions of contacting her as my life as complicated as it's been I had to decide the pro's and con's off having her in my life. Unfortunately, I've decided it's far kinder to us both to not be in one anothers life. My brother also does not talk to her or his twin for about 3 years.  My mother has always favoured his twin sister and the boy she had to the man she used after leaving my father. My daughter is close to my brothers twin and occasionally when my mother chooses to she will have some interaction with my daughter. My Nanna, (mothers mum) died some 18 years ago. So, that's my family my daughter, brother and me, my daughter having the added bonus of my sister and mother.

I whole heartly know the importance of a family, due to the lack of not having a close one, other than how I've explained it above. My daughter and brother have been very fortunate to have very loving partners with extended loving families that have accepted and welcomed them with open arms and made them a part of their family. I cannot express how truly thankful I am for this, as both my daughter and brother really do deserve the love that they are now surrounded by.

I feel like my unrational thinking of not needing myself around was/is due to the fact of their extended families. My daughter was an only child, which I raised on my own. I got sterilised when she was 6 as I found it so hard. I know I love her with all my inner being and strength, but found it incredibly hard to express. Up till her teenage years I bought her love, I couldn't go to her parents evenings, or friends parties anything that involved being social. Don't get me wrong I found ways, like her being accompined by another parent and such, but she did miss out on her mum being by her side. Once she started high school, I focused on getting her ready for when she left school of becoming independant. I made alot of mistakes along the way, as we all do, but I tried my best.

The findings of me being an Aspie has given us both alot of answers. As I said to her, it by no means excuses my behaviour at times, but at least we both have answers now to why things were the way they were at times. I know back then, 21 years ago, I still would off gone undiagnosed, however I do feel angry that if someone had known, maybe things could of been different. But I know as much as I do dwell on the past, I cannot change it and need to concentrate on the futre armed with the information I now do have.

She has took to motherhood like a duck to water. It's beautiful to see, the sheer thought of it makes my eyes water. She will have a big family, I have no doubt about that she has so much love to give her daughter, she seems to find it so easy to interact with her. I on the other hand, get silly excited when we arrange to meet up. Whilst I'm either driving to hers or waiting on her to come to mine I get very nervous and anxious and feel like that as soon as I see them I carn't wait to give them a hug. I'm not a hugging person, and unless invited I find it irritating and extremly awkward and an invasion of my space, and yes that's even by nearest and dearest. :-( I forget this until I'm approached for one. But I always feel like this is what I want to do with them and never let go when I get to see them, but what do I do, I shower them with smiles instead. After a short while I do force myself to cuddle my grand daughter and it's nice when she smiles it makes me smile. My daughter normally gets her hug when I leave. My journey home then normaly entails of me beating myself up for not being able to interact better with them. It's all very exhausting and drains the life out of me and instead of leaving me with the excited feeling when I was en-route to them I feel dissapointment in myself that I didn't try hard enough, when in reality I'm sure I did my best.

Apologies for the length and detail of my reply, but I'm trying to explain my irrational thinking of why I keep coming to the conclusion that I'd be better of out of their lives. It's not that I want to, as in some weird twist I feel like I'm not in it enough and often get angry at the amount of time both my brother and daughter spend with their now extended family and how little with me. I know, total contradiction's, on one hand I appreciate the space they give me but another I don't feel wanted, needed or loved by them, even though deep down I know they do. But I do tend to self torture myself, always been good at that.

I guess the above is to explain I do understand the importance of a family other than parents.

In reguards to your last two paragraphs. How did you and where did you find the erm? answers? to be able to understand yourself and life to be able to make it better? As for as remember I've always longed for to find peace in myself, to be happy and to be loved for whom I am. I feel very, very frightened about living the rest of my life without ever finding true love and spending life on my own, it scares the *** out of me if I'm honest. But on the other hand the jobs I do once I'm finished I feel like all I need is to recharge my batteries as I work with the public so much. I know I have too much going on, but with the current climate I have to. I teach pole fitness, I run my own fitness class not pole associated, I do joinery, painting and decorating when the work comes in. I aslo work part time in a farm shop in the cafe side, I also make querky bird houses and hedgehog houses for the farm shop I work at. I know it's far too much going on and it's extremly hard to focus on it all, but I have no choice if I want to survive and pay bills. But it all leaves me exhausted as your last paragraph states.

I'm over kind, because there is so many people I have to work alongside such as the fitness side, I have to motivate them, usually 9 to a pole class and upto 16 in my own fitness class. So obviously I get to know these people, I've gone through life that I could be sat on a bus next to a stranger and they seem compelled to tell me their darkest secrets without even asking for the information. So when they share sadness or happiness, I feel it like it's my own. This drains the hell out of me. So yeah I'm totally aware of the empathy and senstive side.

Apologies Scorion0x17 for the length of my reply, but I'm trying to explain my way of thinking as not been such a rash one, but just as equally the importance of my way of thinking of how important I know it is I should get rid of the negative feelings I have.

I really do hope I have made some sense.

Thank you for replying to me.

Gina D said:

But like I said to him when he pointed out the new life of these two girls and I should be around. They don't need me. They have their parents, that's all babies need is their parents.

Gina,

I grew up not knowing most of my grandparents - both my Dad's parents died when he was young, and so did my Mum's Dad. My Mum's Mum also remarried and though we lived very close to them, my step-grandad kept us very much apart, and so I too never really knew my Nan.

Now, why am I telling you this?

Well, because I can tell you from experience that children very much do need their wider families - and especially their grandparents. There is a hole inside of me that can never be repaired, which tears at my soul, and very nearly brings me to tears whenever I think about it (and, occasionally it does).

I also have Asperger's and was only diagnosed very recently, and so I understand what you may be going through, but please believe me, you do have something to live for. Your grandchild, and any future grandchildren, and your neice.

Also, I have found that, though I did go through a very dark patch shortly after the diagnosis, my life is much better now, now that I understand my self, and my life events, better.

Finally, be proud of who you are - people with Asperger's are wonderful, valuable, people - many of the wonders of modern life would not exist if it had not been for people with Asperger's. We are also some of the kindest, most sensitive, and most empathic people on this planet - despite what the so called 'experts' tell us.

Thank you Crystal12 for your very much appreciated reply. Firstly you said nothing at all wrong, you read my plea and you answered I'm presuming honestly and I think reading between my lines and me yours with some concern.

I can assure you I shall be making an appointment and going to see the doctors, as I really do want to carry on with life with all my heart.

I have suffered depression on and off for years. But this time yes you are right in thinking it was the discovery of having Aspergers that has caused this episode.

I worried I had done the wrong thing posting such a brutally honest post, but yes I am desperate for some answers, like you said it would be informative to me if other Aspies could contribute.

If I was of clear thinking and had come across this myself, I feel like I would also have been compelled to reply. But I've always been good facing other's problems in life, diverts me away from my own and besides I never seem to be able to make sense of my own. It's like within seconds my brain will reenact every possible scenerio and normally negative ones at that and then I feel as though these things will happen. I know it sounds crazy, but that is how it is.

When I came across the fact of being an aspie I did intially want to go see a doctor, but all I hear is not too, what's the point? What do you think you'll gain? Think about the stigma. It's now beyound that point, I know I have/need to now. I think I've also found a group near me that I may go along too.

I need to learn what triggers me into sometimes thinking a problem is like my world crashing in around me as well as many, many other issues.

My post was a scream for help in "hope" that someone could come along and tell me they know how I feel because they too have struggled with coming to terms with the discovery of being an aspie. I keep reading that many like being one. This confuses the hell out of me, what the hell is to like about it? At the moment I must admit all I see connected with it is negativity. It'd be reassuring to hear that maybe others struggled, but share their explanations of how they finally came to terms with it and how they cope now with it. What steps to take, where to turn, anything, just a glimmer of hope would be nice.

So once again, thank you for your reply.

Gina

hi Gina - Am I right in thinking that discovering you had aspergers started your depression?   I hope posters who have aspergers will contribute to this discussion.  Depression is a terrible.  You'll know that people who are severely depressed need help to get out of it.  So, despite how you feel, you shd try to get help.  I'll tell you why. There are people, your daughter, brother + their children who really do need you.  What makes you think these 2 little girls don't need you?  Or that your brother + daughter don't need you?   Children + adults always need love + not just from their parents.  You have 4 significant people (maybe more for all I know) who want you to stick around, who need you + love you.  Your brother + his family must be worried about their little girl.  He doesn't want to lose you.   Can I say something else, because this is a fact?  I think you'll know this :  depression can be selfish.  Many people get depressed, severely or not.   All they can think about are their own problems, which indeed may be v severe.  I'm not in any way discounting how bad you are feeling + suffering.  Depression is so v difficult to get out of.  You may be clinically depressed or it may be a reactive depression.  If it's reactive then changing things in your life, or your outlook on things in your life may help to ease things a bit.  As you say, you need a purpose, something you can give 100% to.   Something to absorb you.  Nobody can tell you what that may be, altho talking to somebody who is qualified to help people who feel the way you are feeling might help you to find a direction.  I read your post 4 times.  I was + still am unsure I'm doing the right thing by replying, because this is really serious for you.  What if I say the wrong thing?  I'm no expert, no qualifications in this area.  I feel a responsibility to reply.  I also feel my reply is inadequate.  I am concerned I may say the "wrong thing". I also think you shd be replied to.  Life changes.  Sometimes beyond our control.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.  Sometimes we change our lives ourselves for the better or worse, by making good or bad decisions.  Sometimes it's a mixture of all the above.  1 thing I do know is that life is precious.   Don't throw your life away, get some help asap.